Liberally Conservative

I had my first Calgary haircut today. I was more than a little nervous because while I have had some fabulous stylists (hi Yames, hi Elena!!) I have also had more than my fair share of not so fabulous stylists - remember the mullet?? To be fair it is possible that they were not so bad and it was just that my hair is particularly finicky but still. No one likes a bad hair cut.

I got advice from one of my co-workers ... (I seriously think they should write a book based on all of my questions, they would make a lot of money selling to new Calgarians who possibly have the same questions and also the businesses they recommend should give a little kickback because they would be swimming in new customers. And with good reason as my girls have never steered me wrong yet. ) But I was still worried, what if her hair wasn't as temperamental as mine? (likely) what if I got lost (even more likely) and was late thereby making a bad impression? what if we had nothing to talk about and I sat there for 2.5 hours and hoped for conversational inspiration and then hated my haircut? I could go on but seeing as how I should be getting ready for my company Christmas party I won't.

However, as usual (you'd think I would get the hint and stop worrying already), my fears were groundless. I didn't get lost, Will (my new STRAIGHT stylist - this is a first) was more than fabulous and my hair is ... how did we decide to put it ... Liberally Conservative. He assures me that if I have any problems I can come back and he will do a touch up for free and that he cut just enough off so that I can go my customary 3 months before visiting him again. Plus he informed me several times that I was absolutely gorgeous, that I would be stunning at my party tonight, that I have an amazing personality to go with my super good looks, that I am generally amazing and intelligent and wonderful. If you think his flurry of compliments earned him a nice tip you would be right. But I honestly think he was being genuine and it was nice to feel pampered and appreciated for a couple of hours.

Suddenly (like magic) I float

Apparently the trick to making something part of your routine is to do it daily for a minimum of 28 days. You have to really concentrate for the first little while but then suddenly like magic it's old hat. One of the things I want to make part of my daily life again is writing - here, in my journal, somewhere, just writing. Unfortunately with the very long list of things I want to change and the equally long list of things that are changing without my consent writing has been pushed to the back of the line. Maybe next month I keep telling myself. And the days go by and I don't write and it gets easier and easier. But I feel as though by shoving the writer in me into a dark corner I am not being entirely true to myself. So here I go, attempting to begin again, to find the words that I have been meaning to say.

I went to my second Calgary yoga class today. I took yoga for 2 years in Edmonton with my dad but this class is very different. For one thing, it is just me. But then everything in Calgary is pretty much just me at the moment. So it is kind of weird to not go with my dad and not see the same people that I saw every Monday, and not have it be my old instructor. And it has been almost 6 months since my last class so I feel very rusty and out of practice ... for the first time I feel like I am at the weak link in the class. Everyone else seems more flexible, more focused, more everything. Which I shouldn't even be thinking about because part of the mentality of yoga is to honor your own body, to listen to your own body, to accept your own body. I am especially not very good at the last one. I am sure all that I had learned in my previous practices will come back to me (apparently I have very good muscle memory) and my body will begin to stretch out once again and my mind will find focus and until that point I will just do my best to block out the white noise from the rest of my week.

One of the things I love about yoga, or I guess that I love about myself in yoga practice is that at some point the rest of the world just melts away. It doesn't matter that there is a work crisis that I will have to deal with on Monday, it doesn't matter that I got caught up in the crisis and left work late and was almost late for class, it doesn't matter that I have 4 million things to do before I head home for Christmas and only 7 more days to do them in, it doesn't matter that I am worried that I am going to be lonely with my one new very good friend in New Zealand for a month ... all that matters is my breathing and my body ... all that I have to concentrate on is being strong and breathing deep and listening to my inner rhythm. All I have to do is be. Be present in the moment, in the stretch (or asana), in myself. And I float. When it has been a particularly good class I float for hours after and life is good and I am at peace.

I didn't think I would miss yoga as much as I did and I am very excited to have found a class that fits into my schedule and that is challenging for me. I was a little worried that it was too challenging but my instructor assures me that while there are a few areas that are definitely tight and need tweaking my practice is strong and I should do just fine. It seems like a bit of a younger crowd and the studio is warm and inviting and the other people who take the class seem very nice. So maybe I might even meet a few people.

Outside of my comfort zone ...

People keep asking me why I moved away. And it's not an easy question to answer. There are so many answers and all of them feel like half-truths.

I guess in its simplest form the truth is this: I moved because some voice deep inside told me that I had to. I moved to gain some distance and perspective, to carve MY life for MYself, to take a job opportunity that had presented itself. But mostly I moved because I couldn't not move. Or I couldn't stay where I was. However you want to put it.

People keep telling me that I am so brave to have moved. To have come to a strange city where I really know no one. To have come by myself, for myself, with only myself to rely on. That I am brave and adventurous to be exploring the city, finding the gyms and the stores and the classes and the places (and hopefully eventually the friends) that I want in my daily life. Most days it doesn't feel brave at all. Some days it feels like I ran away from a lot of problems I didn't want to deal with and I am not sure where the bravery is in that. I ran to a better and safer and healthier place but I still ran. I'm changing myself but I'm not changing the realities I left behind. Is there really bravery to be found here?

I guess the fact that I am aware that there are still problems from my past to be faced counts for something. I am gathering strength to deal with them when they rear their ugly heads as I am sure they will. I am gathering happiness and positive moments and inner peace. And when the time comes I will deal the best way I know how. And I will pick up my pieces and move forward with what is left when the time comes.

One of the things BW always said to me was that I had to push myself, I had to live outside of my comfort zone, I had to try as hard as I could and then I had to try a little bit harder than that. Not because I am not good enough the way that I am but because I deserve more than I could ever imagine. I think those words (or at least my paraphrase of his words) will be with me forever. I hear them at the gym when I feel too tired to run another minute or do another set or try a harder exercise. I hear them every morning when I get up and face another day on my own. I hear them when I am too scared to try and find a new place or meet a new person or try something new. Those words are like a battering ram that chip away at my inhibitions and make me into a better person. They are my mantra, my driving force, my will to keep growing and changing one day at a time.

A New Beginning

One of my goals, now that I have regular internet access that is not work based, is to start writing here again. Although now that I have stopped for a while, and to be truthful was never really good at updating almost the whole year I lived at home ... well the idea of writing here again seems a little daunting. How to express myself, what to share, how to capture exactly what I am feeling and thinking and doing. I know that with practice the skills of self expression will come back, will improve. I guess I just have to accept (and ask you to accept) that this may be little more than a laundry list as I get the hang of things again. Assuming I ever had the hang of things in the first place. But if writing here (anywhere) is as important to me as it seems to be I have to let go of the fear and just breathe and let it all out.
And yes, I have goals here. And to-do lists that reach as far as next Christmas and dreams that stretch further than I can imagine right now. I am slowly building a life for myself here. More slowly than I would like some days but for the most part I am happy and content. So happy and content that I am almost not sure it is actually me living my life. Things are not perfect by any means, and there are moments of intense homesickness but there are also moments of feeling like this is exactly where I should be, this is what I should be doing, this is who I should be becoming. So while my moving away from everything and everyone I have ever loved has been a very big ending, in many ways it has been an even bigger beginning.

Quick note ...

I just wanted to say that things are going really well and I love my job and I will write more frequently and in more detail hopefully starting in a month once I have regular internet access again.

I'll find my way ...

Maybe not always, but for as long as I can remember I have always been waiting for that bolt of inspiration to hit me. I've believed somehow (who really knows where beliefs come from?) that one day I would wake up and know who I was and where I fit in and what I wanted to be when I grew up and just exactly how to get there. But it seems that everytime I start to think that maybe it is coming together; maybe I have an idea of what the big picture would look like; maybe this is who I am and what I want and where I am going ... well then in one big explosion of chaos everything changes and I'm back at square one again and things look a little different. Or a lot different. Or practically unrecognizable.

So I am moving in a week. Giving up my job which I know and well, don't exactly love but KNOW. Giving up my room and my city and my routine and my friends and everything else that seems to make up any semblance of how I know myself. And I wonder: Will I be different in a different city? Will I be happy? Will I make new friends and find new routines? Everyone else seems to be so sure that I will be just fine. Everyone else has always seemed to believe in me more than I have ever believed in myself. And I don't think it is low self-esteem exactly ... I've just never really thought of myself as having a major impact on the world - I get up, I go to work, I do my thing. I don't change lives, I just do the best that I can and often feel like my best is not enough because people are always always always asking me to give more.

Only now that I am leaving it is occuring to me that maybe I make more of an impression than I thought ... Everywhere I go people are telling me how sorry they are to see me leave - the ladies at the bank, customers I didn't even realize knew my name, my parents' neighbours, my dr, my therapist ... they all tell me that I am a wonderful and amazing woman and wish me the best of luck. And it is sort of bizarre to me and I keep wondering how exactly I managed to fool so many people ... My mom says I need to get a better grip on reality - it's like when I was in Gr 1 and on the honor roll but in tears because I didn't think I was smart (honor roll equals smart) or now when I ask if I look fat (size 4 does not equal fat) - and of course I am wonderful and amazing (Cara equals wonderful and amazing) see how this works? And my therapist says that when the negative thoughts start creeping around and trying to take root that I just need to tell them to stop - stop creeping, stop niggling, stop worrying. Which, let me tell you, is a lot easier in theory than in practice.

I've come a long ways. Maybe you wouldn't believe that from this entry. But the fact that I am writing about how scared I am right now should be some sort of proof because mostly I try to keep those tiny cracks in my armor to myself. Which maybe you also wouldn't believe if you've dealt with my drama and my confusion - big sweeping problems I am good with sharing. But believe me: I've come a long ways. And I'm going places - even if I don't know where they are or how to get there. I'll find my way.

Deja Vu

It's like my first day of Gr 9 ... I'm freaking out about everything under the sun (hi, have we met? I over react and blow things out of proportion .. but in all honestly Summer of 1994 was one of the worst in recollection) and I show up at school only to find out that my 3 best friends are in one class and I'm all alone in the other.
Of course back in Gr 9 I was able to pull some strings and get moved into my friends French class to help ease the transition ... today there are no strings to pull, no safety nets ....
And I know that these are great changes and I am going to be a better person for all of it - one of the best things that came from the big split up is my friendship with B - and I also know that just because things are going to be different it doesn't mean they're going to be OVER - look at my friendship with Niki ... but I still can't help wishing my life didn't feel like such a freefall at the moment.
But I'll fix a smile on my face and fake it til I make it ... not a lot of other choices at the moment.

#30 - Find a new job

I start September 5!!!

And I am so excited you don't even understand.

I would promise a more substantial update but right now there are too many words and too many changes.

Here's a secret ...

Sometimes I lie. And I'm not always proud of that fact because it usually makes me feel like I have something to be ashamed about. And I wish that I could be stronger and tell the truth all the time. And I wish even more that I could always be the person everyone else seems to want me to be because then maybe I would feel like I belong again. And by everyone else I probably mean no one because it's all in my head.

But the thing with lying ... well, I usually do it because a)I am not sure what the truth actually is or b) I feel like the truth would rock the boat too much. And when people accept my lie - when I know they know it's a lie - then it feels (to me) like they are giving me permission to continue lying. Like they are agreeing that the truth would rock the boat and it is better that I keep up the pretense that my lie is the truth. So my one little lie grows into several and at the end of the day does anybody really know me anymore? Do I even know myself?

I want to be secure in the knowledge that no matter how many times I screw up (and I know better than anyone that it's a lot) there will be people in my life who will stand by me and help me pick up the pieces. Even if (and maybe especially when) they know/feel that I am wrong to choose the path I'm taking. I'd like to be trusted to make my own mistakes. And maybe that's a lot to ask and maybe it's more a matter of trusting myself and plowing ahead and maybe it's all just an illusion.

Note to Self

Self: Please, please, please, please, please, please (please?) learn that whenever a guy tells you that he really likes you but he doesn't want to date anyone right now what he really means is that he doesn't want to date YOU and the likelyhood of him turning around and dating someone else in about 2.5 nanoseconds and then bitching to you about it when it doesn't work out because you're friends right? is about, oh, roughly .. 100%.

I'm so done.

GREECE!!

The Parthenon at the top of Athens Acropolis
For all intents & purposes, we stayed on the Mediterranean side

of Rhodes, so this is the Mediterranean Sea.

An olive grove - olives are very important to Greece
My mom's Octopus Salad. You probably had to be there but

hearing her go on about the "squiggly bits" was pretty

hysterical. Also, Mythos, the local Greek beer.

An ancient stadium at Delphi to give you a taste of some ruins

A donkey ride up to the Acropolis at Lindos.

Learning how to Greek dance.

49 in 540

February 5, 2005 to November 2, 2007

1.Finish my Europe Scrapbook

2.Make a CD for Kristy

3.Have coffee with Terry

4.Rewrite my resume - completed April 16, 2005

5.Go to the strippers with B & Neil - completed April 16, 2005

6.Continue working out minimum of 2x per week (preferably 4x) for all 1001 days

7.Read a minimum of 50 new books by January 23, 2006:
50 down; 0 to go - completed January 23, 2006

8.Buy a condo

9.Save for & go to Greece – completed April 26 to May 6, 2006

10.Make the skirt that Chantal and I bought fabric for in October 2003

11.Pay off my edited to line of credit

12.Take a class – cooking, dance, pottery, photography, whatever: completed October 2005 - I've been taking step classes at the local gym

13.Visit Dave (I’ve only been promising for 2 years)- completed October 19-23,2005

14.Take a road trip - completed July 30 - August 3, 2005

15.Replace the battery in my watch/buy a new watch - completed March 19, 2004

16.Date someone for more than 2 seconds

17.Get a (at least one) professional massage - accomplished April 20, 2005

18.Learn a little HTML – I would be happy if I could add links in/to my entries - completed October 21, 2005

19.Do a perfect squat: completed July 21, 2005

20.Read something by Jane Austen

21.Drink an entire beer without once making my patented “This is terrible!” face - completed June 24, 2005

22.Renew my passport - completed July 27, 2005

23.Watch Season 7 of Buffy with B - completed March 25, 2005

24.Make cabbage rolls

25.Make perogies

26.Donate to 4 charities: 5 down 0 to go - completed September 16, 2005

27.Read 10 non-fiction books
5 down; 5 to go

28.Return the 4 books that have been sitting on my shelf waiting to go home for ages - completed May 11, 2005

29.Go to Vegas with the Trio of Trouble

30.Find a new job

31.Make a pie

32.Go to the zoo - completed July 30, 2005

33.Go to a museum – completed April 28, 2006

34.Go houseboating (even if I have to be in charge of organizing it)

35.Buy more pillows for my bed - completed February 12,2005

36.Buy a book of blender drinks - completed February 9, 2005

37.Buy (and use) shoe racks - completed February 19, 2005

38.Go skinny dipping

39.Buy fun new sheets

40.Learn how to drive stick

41.Try snowboarding

42.Eat at 6 new restaurants
a)Bulgogi House: February 10,2005
b)Dynasty (Dim Sum): February 20, 2005
c)Culina: May 28, 2005
d)Mongolie Grill: June 1, 2005
e)Langano Skies: November 2, 2005
f) I'm counting this done cause I went to a trillion new restaurants in Greece

43.Visit Donna & Foreman (not Wisconsin)

44.Visit Warmer than Here

45.Buy a plant - completed February 19, 2005

46.And keep it alive for at least 6 months: completed August 19, 2005 (yes it is still alive today)

47.Have brunch with Stan: completed November 2, 2005 (technically it was supper but I'm counting it cause the goal was to spend time with Stan)

48.Clean out/organize drawers & closet - completed August 7, 2005

49.Play in the park: completed August 20, 2005

50.Fly a kite

51.Have a picnic lunch

52.Get drunk with Emily and swing on the swings in Gyro Park

53.See 5 plays - completed November 9, 2005
a)The Salon of the Talking Turk - March 4, 2005
b)Romeo & Juliet - July 5, 2005
c)Songs for a New World - August 24, 2005
d)Mamma Mia! - September 7, 2005
e)Chicago - November 9, 2005
f)At the Xenith of the Empire - November 10, 2005

54.Go on ebay

55.And actually buy something

56.Watch a porno

57.Make garlic toast that doesn’t make B gag - completed March 18, 2004

58.Go on an overnight hike

59.Take my used books to a used book store

60.Get a pedicure: completed May 18, 2005

61.Take a strippercise class with B - completed June 30, 2005

62.Go horseback riding – completed May 3, 2006 (technically it was a donkey but I’m counting it)

63.Go bowling

64.Watch the second half of Sex in the City Season 6 with Kristy - completed April 26, 2005

65.Go to the beach 3 times
a)Lake Invermere - July 31, 2005
b)Wasa Lake - August 2, 2005
c)Michelon Lake - August 21, 2005

66.Go camping: completed July 1-3, 2005

67.Get a library card - completed February 21, 2002

68.Buy something from a sex toy party/store

69.Make seafood crepes

70.Have a chocolate fondue night: completed January 6, 2006

71.Spend a full day at the spa

72.Get a new makeup bag - completed February 19, 2005

73.Buy a new TV

74.Drink a Hurricane

75.Go for a dress up supper

76.Do an entire crossword without getting help once: completed August 22, 2005

77.Watch Gone With the Wind

78.Clean out my car - completed August 4, 2005

79.Buy Season 1 of CSI - completed June 10, 2005

80.Replace the mats in my car with plastic ones

81.Throw a dinner party: completed December 18, 2005 (I am deciding that Pseudo Christmas counts)

82.Buy flowers for someone, just because - completed April 7, 2005

83.Buy myself flowers - completed April 2, 2005

84.Fix my frog prince (Greg did this for me)- completed November 11, 2005

85.Send 10 pieces of fun mail: 10 down;0 to go - I am considering this done cause I mailed out way more than 10 Christmas cards with personal notes and all. completed December 9, 2005

86.Go skiing

87.Buy a dress coat - completed November 11, 2005

88.Spend an afternoon shopping on Whyte Ave - completed April 2, 2005

89.Have a date with Beth & Melly & Terry

90.Eat Gelato – completed May 3, 2006

91.Go to a wine tasting – completed May 1, 2006

92.Go see a psychic/palm reader

93.Volunteer somewhere

94.Take a roll of black & white photos

95.Watch the sun rise

96.Take pictures of the city skyline from my current balcony: completed May 29, 2005

97.Go stargazing

98.Go skating

99.Go canoeing

100.Have a waterfight

101. Have hair long enough to put in braids again – completed May 4, 2006

* italics denote works in progress

In Loving Memory

We remember a life today

and all that made her who she was -

all that delighted her,

that made her laugh

or moved her to tears,

calling to mind her story,

and the many lives she touched along the way

We honor a life today -

her outlook,

her inner strength,

and the things that she believed in -

recognizing her goodness,

her uniqueness,

her own special gifts

shared generously with the rest of the world.

We celebrate a life today

and her connections with family and friends

and all who loved her -

feeling enriched for having known her

and so grateful for our time with her,

for the way she affected us ...

inspired us ...

and affirmed for us

that this is how a beautiful life should be lived.

Comfortably Numb

I suppose the upside to being at work today is that the more times I tell the story the more real it seems. I don't know that that makes it easier but I've reached a point of numb acceptance. As long as I don't have to look at my dad or my grandfather because then the tears threaten to flow in earnest. I guess, in all honesty, we don't know with 100% certainity how this will all play out until they take her off life-support tomorrow morning but I think that everyone has come to terms (as much as you can ever come to terms) with the fact that we have to let her go. But for now it is a bit of a waiting game. And we all know how good I am with waiting.

One week ago today we were together celebrating my grandfather's 80th birthday.

Today we are together at the hospital celebrating my grandmother's life in its final moments.

What a difference one week can make.

If you want to find me ...

I'll be at the gym. I have mostly finalized my spring schedule and here is what it looks like:
Monday: yoga
Tuesday: training session
Wednesday: drop in step class & pilates
Thursday: training session/hardcore cardo & buns/bellies class
Plus I try to go to the gym on Saturday & Sunday to do a drop in class or my own workout (but honestly even after a year and a half I am still a little scared of Solo Gym Time)

The good news is that each class works a different area of my body so it is at least a well rounded schedule. Plus I am starting to meet people AND not hate how my body looks in the mirror.

I honestly can't believe how much I enjoy the whole gym thing. Definitely when I started it was partially because I had a crush on a boy but it didn't take long for my gym time to become way more than that. I'm learning about my body and how it functions and it is fascinating in a weird sort of way. Frustrating sometimes because my balance can still be sucky and my scoliosis sometimes interferes with some of the shoulder exercises and I am still not great at squats. But every day I get better and stronger and faster and I feel like I am accomplishing something. Maybe I will never run a marathon or participate in a triathalon but I feel like I could if I wanted to and trained hard enough. (Except for maybe the swimming part because I have always had a problem with the proper breathing technique.)

And the whole body image ... I can't even begin to explain how huge that is for me.

No surprises here

My poor girl B. She hurt her foot in a dance class back before Christmas and despite staying off it (mostly :p) and doing intense physio and all that other jazz it still hasn't healed properly. They finally referred her to a sports doctor who put her in a boot cast (3 months later!) and is referring her to an orthopaedic surgeon. Not exactly the news she wanted to hear, but at least now things will hopefully start to mend.

In other news, I kind of went on a coffee date on Monday. Which everyone seems to know about without me actually informing them so I'm sure the above is no shocker. I guess I just feel like I should make some sort of reference to it before the rumors get thoroughly out of hand because it was just a date. In fact to be even more specific, it was just 2 friends hanging out. We had coffee. We talked. End of story. And I mean, it was nice, don't get me wrong. It was good to hang out with someone I didn't really know and who I think is pretty cute and feel like I was making a decent impression. It was nice to not feel like I should have been prettier or smarter or more interesting or less talkative or whatever. For me, there were a lot of positive things that came out of the experience. But anyone who was expecting the beginnings of some epic romance is going to be sorely disappointed. Thankfully, for once in my life, I am not in that group ... in fact I think things went exactly the way they needed to. I still have a lot of stuff to work out. Again. Some more. And I look at that date and it shows me how much progress I have actually made and it makes me feel good about myself and it gives me some hope that more things will start falling into place and my life will start to mirror my vague envisionings of how it should be. So even though B says I need to move on from some stuff I am not quite ready to let go of and even though I know I need to move on ... well even though they are teeny tiny steps I have taken they are finally steps in the right direction. Whatever that actually means. I'm sure I'll figure it out.

My secret

I really like Kraft Dinner. It's almost obscene how much I like Kraft Dinner (or, to switch things up, noodles with Cheez Whiz). Talk about probably one of the least nutritive things you could ever eat - although lately they have been advertising it as a high source of iron and calcium. Or something. And that flourescent orange powder. Logically it should be digusting. And yet there are some days when I really feel like I could eat Kraft Dinner all day every day.

Handle with Care

I don't know how to write about this without sounding totally morbid .. but I am pretty sure my neighbour died last night. Something woke me up around 1 am and I looked out the window to see my dad shovelling the walks and an ambulance across the street. It all seemed so surreal, one minute I was sure it was an ambulance, the next a moving truck, the next not even positive that I had seen a vehicle at all, so I thought that maybe it was just a dream. But when I asked my mom this morning if I had really seen my dad out shovelling the walks in the wee hours she confirmed my initial suspicions. And it makes me a little sad, even though we had just received the news that his cancer was spreading. I lived across the street from him for almost my entire life. It goes without saying that my thoughts are with his family today. As well as with my "big sister" P's family because they have been struggling with the illness of her oldest son since mid-January and no matter what the outcome their lives are forever changed by the events of the last couple of months. It's like whatJo said the other day: Life is fragile and unpredictable.

Ch ch ch changes ...

So I fully admit that when it comes to cars I am probably one of your stereotypical girls. I mean, I know the basics: how to pump my own gas, how to check the pressure in my tires (although I am slack-ass about actually doing that one), how to check my oil, how to fill up the windshield washer fluid. With everything else my attitude is pretty much "if it's not making a funny noise it's not worrying me."

I do love my Jellybean though so every couple of months I take it for an oilchange and engine flush and tire rotation and whatever else those more mechanically inclined people feel like doing in exchange for my money. (Just for the record I am not so naive as to let myself get screwed over and do talk about any major repair work with unbiased people more in the know than I am.) I've been taking the Jellybean to the same place for a while there and I have pretty much dealt with this guy, Steve, the whole time. The last few times there has been this other guy (Not Steve) who has helped me but Steve has always been reassuringly in the background, or else Not Steve will answer the phone and set up the appointment but then Steve is there to walk me through everything else. Steve is my car guy. But then today I went in for my oilchange and there was a New Guy. No Steve. No Not Steve. And I felt very lost and wanted to ask the guy where Steve was because that was where I was taking my car. Which is irrational because it's not like Steve was the guy who worked on my car, and I am sure the mechanics do the same good job whether it is Steve or Not Steve or New Guy who is running things up front. But I want Steve (in case it wasn't already clear where exactly my loyalty lies).

More good news

Suddenly things are starting to gel.

A cute card from Melly & Roscoe complete with fun frog facts & pictures ... I picked my favorites and they were all Tree Frogs & Poison Dart Frogs. Who knew?
And also there is a fruit that has my name.
There you have my 2 Fun Facts for the day.

Plus ... My Greece trip is finally booked! As of about 5 minutes ago! So I am officially allowed to be just a little bit excited and start researching and figuring out exactly how I want to spend my time. Looks like 3 days in Athens and almost a week on Rhodes from April 26 - May 6. I already know I want to do a day trip to Delphi and a day trip to Crete and I think we are going to try and spend a day on either Santorini or Mykonos.

!!!

Have you been to Greece? Leave a comment if you have any suggestions on things I should see or do.

Trade?

I have one dripping sniffy nose that I will very willingly trade for a non-drippy sniffless one.
Any takers??

Somehow I didn't think so.

In other more positive news I got an e-mail from an old friend, managed to put some extra money into my RRSP before March 1 which makes me feel moderately fiscally responsible and got told how fabulous I am looking. Maybe there will be a break in my CrankFest sooner than expected.

Also with no more Thursday night Alias and total OC suckage I am apparently watching Survivor this season ... kind of half heartedly between the pages of the latest book I am reading .... and I have to say Shane? Is CRAZY. and if I was on his tribe I would be purposefully losing challenges so that I could vote him out that much faster. Sadly I am not sure that the other members of his tribe have entirely caught on to the extent of his craziness as witnessed by last weeks blatant refusal to vote him out. Maybe they are kind of crazy too.

Ok. So the point of moving over here was that I would update more. But then my brain sort of imploded on itself and I have not been able to motivate myself in any sort of remotely creative fashion because I am too busy being all "I have a plan!!" then "This plan sucks and is totally unrealistic" and back to the drawing board to "I have a new plan!!" to "this plan is also flawed" and it is so dull and tiresome that I want to poke my own eyes out with sticks never mind subject other people to my self-imposed insanity.

I blame post January blahs and pre April allergies. And possibly the Tim Hortons commercial about hockey that makes me cry everytime I see it.

One Year In

56 in 638 (I think. Bad Math. Bad.)

1.Finish my Europe Scrapbook

2.Make a CD for Kristy

3.Have coffee with Terry

4.Rewrite my resume - completed April 16, 2005

5.Go to the strippers with B & Neil - completed April 16, 2005

6.Continue working out minimum of 2x per week (preferably 4x) for all 1001 days

7.Read a minimum of 50 new books by January 23, 2006:
50 down; 0 to go - completed January 23, 2006

8.Buy a condo

9.Save for & go to Greece

10.Make the skirt that Chantal and I bought fabric for in October 2003

11.Pay off my edited to line of credit

12.Take a class – cooking, dance, pottery, photography, whatever: completed October 2005 - I've been taking step classes at the local gym

13.Visit Dave (I’ve only been promising for 2 years)- completed October 19-23,2005

14.Take a road trip - completed July 30 - August 3, 2005

15.Replace the battery in my watch/buy a new watch - completed March 19, 2004

16.Date someone for more than 2 seconds

17.Get a (at least one) professional massage - accomplished April 20, 2005

18.Learn a little HTML – I would be happy if I could add links in/to my entries - completed October 21, 2005

19.Do a perfect squat: completed July 21, 2005

20.Read something by Jane Austen

21.Drink an entire beer without once making my patented “This is terrible!” face - completed June 24, 2005

22.Renew my passport - completed July 27, 2005

23.Watch Season 7 of Buffy with B - completed March 25, 2005

24.Make cabbage rolls

25.Make perogies

26.Donate to 4 charities: 5 down 0 to go - completed September 16, 2005

27.Read 10 non-fiction books
4 down; 6 to go

28.Return the 4 books that have been sitting on my shelf waiting to go home for ages - completed May 11, 2005

29.Go to Vegas with the Trio of Trouble

30.Find a new job

31.Make a pie

32.Go to the zoo - completed July 30, 2005

33.Go to a museum

34.Go houseboating (even if I have to be in charge of organizing it)

35.Buy more pillows for my bed - completed February 12,2005

36.Buy a book of blender drinks - completed February 9, 2005

37.Buy (and use) shoe racks - completed February 19, 2005

38.Go skinny dipping

39.Buy fun new sheets

40.Learn how to drive stick

41.Try snowboarding

42.Eat at 6 new restaurants
a)Bulgogi House: February 10,2005
b)Dynasty (Dim Sum): February 20, 2005
c)Culina: May 28, 2005
d)Mongolie Grill: June 1, 2005
e)Langano Skies: November 2, 2005

43.Visit Donna & Foreman (not Wisconsin)

44.Visit Warmer than Here

45.Buy a plant - completed February 19, 2005

46.And keep it alive for at least 6 months: completed August 19, 2005

47.Have brunch with Stan: completed November 2, 2005 (technically it was supper but I'm counting it cause the goal was to spend time with Stan)

48.Clean out/organize drawers & closet - completed August 7, 2005

49.Play in the park: completed August 20, 2005

50.Fly a kite

51.Have a picnic lunch

52.Get drunk with Emily and swing on the swings in Gyro Park

53.See 5 plays - completed November 9, 2005
a)The Salon of the Talking Turk - March 4, 2005
b)Romeo & Juliet - July 5, 2005
c)Songs for a New World - August 24, 2005
d)Mamma Mia! - September 7, 2005
e)Chicago - November 9, 2005
f)At the Xenith of the Empire - November 10, 2005

54.Go on ebay

55.And actually buy something

56.Watch a porno

57.Make garlic toast that doesn’t make B gag - completed March 18, 2004

58.Go on an overnight hike

59.Take my used books to a used book store

60.Get a pedicure: completed May 18, 2005

61.Take a strippercise class with B - completed June 30, 2005

62.Go horseback riding

63.Go bowling

64.Watch the second half of Sex in the City Season 6 with Kristy - completed April 26, 2005

65.Go to the beach 3 times
a)Lake Invermere - July 31, 2005
b)Wasa Lake - August 2, 2005
c)Michelon Lake - August 21, 2005

66.Go camping: completed July 1-3, 2005

67.Get a library card - completed February 21, 2002

68.Buy something from a sex toy party/store

69.Make seafood crepes

70.Have a chocolate fondue night: completed January 6, 2006

71.Spend a full day at the spa

72.Get a new makeup bag - completed February 19, 2005

73.Buy a new TV

74.Drink a Hurricane

75.Go for a dress up supper

76.Do an entire crossword without getting help once: completed August 22, 2005

77.Watch Gone With the Wind

78.Clean out my car - completed August 4, 2005

79.Buy Season 1 of CSI - completed June 10, 2005

80.Replace the mats in my car with plastic ones

81.Throw a dinner party: completed December 18, 2005 (I am deciding that Pseudo Christmas counts)

82.Buy flowers for someone, just because - completed April 7, 2005

83.Buy myself flowers - completed April 2, 2005

84.Fix my frog prince (Greg did this for me)- completed November 11, 2005

85.Send 10 pieces of fun mail: 10 down;0 to go - I am considering this done cause I mailed out way more than 10 Christmas cards with personal notes and all. completed December 9, 2005

86.Go skiing

87.Buy a dress coat - completed November 11, 2005

88.Spend an afternoon shopping on Whyte Ave - completed April 2, 2005

89.Have a date with Beth & Melly & Terry

90.Eat Gelato

91.Go to a wine tasting

92.Go see a psychic/palm reader

93.Volunteer somewhere

94.Take a roll of black & white photos

95.Watch the sun rise

96.Take pictures of the city skyline from my current balcony: completed May 29, 2005

97.Go stargazing

98.Go skating

99.Go canoeing

100.Have a waterfight

101. Have hair long enough to put in braids again

* italics denote works in progress

THINKING ...

1. that I am an IDIOT for doing major leg workouts 2 days in a row (I blame BW)

2. that everytime I visit the Television without Pity website I am reminded how pissed I am that no channel that I get picked up Veronica Mars and although CTV will likely pick it up again for the summer season it was such a schmoz last summer that I am likely to be annoyed until I can get the entire season on DVD next Christmas.

3. that I need to stop getting 10 steps ahead of the game re: my meeting tomorrow (stop it)

4. that our new mail guy at work is really super cute. (no seriously. Super Cute) But I am not entirely sold on our "new" courier. I miss Kevin. He brought me a cinnamon bun.

5. I'm still thinking about the mail guy ...

Skepticism

Apparently I am getting a wee bit skeptical.

I am so used to having people call "emergency" when it is totally nothing of the sort.
"I spilled a glass of water."
"I need your fax number."
"I need to know what time you are open until."
"I moved 4 months ago."
"I stubbed my toe."
"I need to know your companies protocol if I were to die overseas AND suffer a Cat loss the same day." (And we thought I overthink things.)
These are not emergencies.

So of course today when a lady called up and claimed to have an emergency I rolled my eyes so hard they nearly popped out of my head. Only this time there actually was an emergency. Le sigh.

I am an asshole sometimes. Let's keep it our little secret.

Dreams

I often have very vivid dreams which are remembered in varying amounts of detail the next day. Sometimes they are so disturbing that I have to sleep the rest of the night with my door open or my light on - because I am 5 and rendered afraid of the dark. Sometimes they seem so real that they are disturbing on an entirely separate level, like the dreams I have where I am sleeping beside some gorgeous hunk of a man and then when I wake up I look around and wonder where my boyfriend/husband is and usually say to myself "oh he must have had to work early today" and it takes me until I get into the shower to realize that it was just a dream and I have no boyfriend/husband and there is still 74.5 years to go on The Plan so shut up stupid dream. I have one recurring dream usually when I am super stressed and it involves me being in school but never actually going to class or doing my assignments and fully intending to drop my class and suddenly I realize that it is the day of my final exam or the day my final project is due and I am still enrolled in the class and man am I screwed. The funny thing is that I never had this dream while I was actually in school.

I just remembered the dream/half awake panic I had last night wherein I was desperately trying to remember the name of a former co-worker and I kept listing of names of people I currently work with and then reminding myself that I wanted the name of someone who used to work with me and then being convinced that her name started with the letter D and listing all the D names I could think of until I fell asleep again, lather rinse repeat. And I just remembered her name which is what brought back the dream to me and it totally does not start with the letter D at all. And I kind of wish that I could have had a good deep sleep instead of worrying about not remembering her name.

Scrapbooking

6 of us spent the weekend at a fabulous B&B on a scrapbooking retreat. It was really wonderful to get away to the quiet of the country and to be spoiled rotton all weekend by our hosts. Seriously. Everytime we turned around there was some new freshly baked treat awaiting. So it is probably a good thing that I am determined that my gym schedule will get back on track after the total screweduppedness of December & January.

But it was also nice to have some time totally dedicated to working on my Europe scrapbook which is quickly becoming the Longest Project Ever. Karen got to do a happy dance after finishing her wedding guest book; I am decreeing a happy evening of dancing when I finally finish my project. I am at 54 pages and counting and have been working on them for at least a year and a half. Most everyone else has finished at least 1 book in that time. They all make the creative process look so effortless and beautiful while I feel like I have to sweat blood and tears for the same effect. I am really happy with how my book is coming along but man. It is HARD. And I feel really needy because I crave positive commentary and ego stroking like some people crave crack cocaine. I think in some ways it is because I have always been told that I am unartistic to the Nth degree - I can't draw, paint, sculpt, or do other traditionally artistic things. I am all thumbs with the occasional faceplant into dismal atrocities. And it is only starting to occur to me that not being an artist in the traditional sense doesn't mean that I am not creative. And of course now that I have under-utilized the creative side of my brain it is taking more than a gentle kick start to get into gear. Working with pictures is one of the ways I have chosen to try and relate more with my creativity and although it is frustrating a lot of the time because I just don't feel like it comes naturally it is also something I hope to explore more of and maybe find other creative outlets. Just add it to my ever growing list of goals and aspirations.

New Beginnings

So I've kind of decided to move my random scribblings to this location. In some ways it feels like jumping on the bandwagon but lately I've found that I occasionally have only a few quick things to say and my current format just isn't conducive to the shorter posts. It's great when I want to blather on for a while but that's about it. And in the end that is deterring me from writing on a more regular basis. I'm not going to swear that the move will definitely change things but I am hoping that it will. In the end, this space is more for me than for anyone else, a place to jot down the chaos that swims in my brain and hopefully gain some perspective from the writing excercise.

More of the Same

I don't know if it is leftover lethargy from being sick or the January blahs or what but I feel like if I were to be compared to a flavor I would be Plain. And since the only thing I can think of that comes in a Plain flavor is yoghurt I would be Plain Yoghurt. I tried to explain this analogy to BW last night using Vanilla but I actually kind of like Vanilla. And regardless he only laughed at me and told me I couldn't be plain anything because I was way too crazy. I think that was supposed to make me feel better.

But it is true. I am feeling utterly Plain Jane. I am ballet (without the beauty and grace) instead of hip-hop; dry history instead of action-adventure; planning and predictable instead of spur of the moment; Prim & Proper. And that's fine I guess. Only right now I am rebelling against myself. I don't want to be who I am but I don't know how to be anybody else. And also when I do have my moments of slight risktaking I a)find rejection right quick and b)feel guilty for days and weeks and sometimes even months. It's who I am and who I have always been but lately in ways I can't quantify I am not happy with myself. I want to be different. I want to be noticed in a crowd. I want to be someone people call. I want to be somone people respond to. I want to be someone people remember. I want to have exciting news. I want to do interesting things (and not spend days sick in compensation). Instead, I have my little routine that I rarely deviate from and little things to look forward to that don't really change the grand scheme of anything ever.

Maybe I'm NOT Sorry

I've been sick for what feels like a million years (actual time span: one week of moderate cold; 3 days of hell on earth bronchial infection) and have been ignoring ... well pretty much everything other than couch, bed, kleenex box. I hate being sick. I hate the Hot Mouth thing I inevitably get going that makes me feel thirsty all the time so I am drinking gallons of water and spending so much time in the bathroom that I might as well make a little nest and move in permanently and yet no amount of liquid actually quenches my thirst or cools off the hellfire that is burning at the back of my throat. I hate the raw red nose look I get going because I have gone through a big box of kleenex in less than 24 hours. I hate the achy bones and muscles and sensitive nerve endings that make the slightest touch feel like you are being dipped in molten lava. I hate the inability to find a perfect temperature - I am either so hot there is literally smoke wafting off my body or I am so cold there are icicles.

I usually hate going to the doctor so it is a sign that I am feeling pretty icky when I voluntarily call to make an appointment (I think I still blame doctors for telling me that penicillin tasted like bananas - which I loved - and then the medicine tasted like ass and because I associated it with bananas, bananas began to taste like the medicine. For years I couldn't eat bananas without an instant gag reflex (I still don't do well with banana flavored liquids) and still when I am sick I get that medicine taste in my mouth and I want to die). Right ... Doctors. But the good thing about my new doctor is that when I called Tuesday morning I got an appointment for Tuesday afternoon (!!) and didn't have to wait in an overcrowded medicentre for several hours. So far I am pretty impressed with my new doctor. Very short wait times, able to be seen when you need to be seen and not 3 weeks later, pays attention when I am talking, answers my questions. All good things.

I'm not usually one to acknowledge that I deserve to be treated better but a lot of the time I do. I'm so good at making excuses: oh they're busy or they have patients who are sicker than I am or they're having a bad day or I'm being too sensitive or whatever. And I don't think that my excuse-making is going to stop overnight - I've had 25 years to develop a fairly complicated system of pretending everyone else is more important than I am 99% of the time - but I think it is something I need to look at and address. Because I don't ALWAYS have unreasonable expectations. And I'm not ALWAYS being overly sensitive. Sometimes the problem actually is exterior to myself and in those situations I need to be able to a)recognize them as such and b)say "I'm sorry. It's not me, it's YOU. We're done here." (Maybe even without the I'm sorry part. A girl can dream.)

Pete the Perch

I keep thinking about an episode of Gilmore Girls that B and I watched recently where Lorelai goes fishing and then keeps the fish she catches in her bathtub. It made me think about spending summer weekends out at the lake with Niki and her family and the one time we went fishing. Which, like most things Niki and I did together, ended up being quite the comedy routine. We did catch a fish that was too small and had to be thrown back but not before we grew thouroughly attached and named the poor thing - Pete the Perch. I think.

Man we had a lot of fun. Making up card games like Sluff the Maid, playing real card games, eating yummy Baba baking, tube rides and boat rides and seadooing, being allowed a drink or two even though we were under age, and always always lots of laughter. And of course the incessant dicussions about the 10 boys I had a crush on that weekend, none of whom I had ever really talked to. But we had theories and schemes and jokes and more theories and we talked until we were blue in the face.

So many things have changed since those hazy lakeside days. But one constant is the amount that Niki and I can talk when we are together. Not always about boys these days but they still feature when it is warranted. There aren't many people I can talk to the way I talk to Niki - some people come close but they still don't get me to divulge quite everything on every topic. I can't think of anyone else that I could spend an afternoon with and then 2 hours on the phone in the evening and still have more to say. Of course these days the phone marathons are warranted because we don't talk every day ... It's just sort of hit me how much I miss her. We have secret plans about how we can arrange to live in the same city again. God willing they'll actually be feasible one day.

Randomness

The good news is that while I haven't been writing anything here the last few days, I have been writing. Sometimes you want to share your life with the internet, other days, not so much. Actually I haven't felt much like sharing anything with anybody lately and when I have opened my mouth I've been talked over and just plain not heard and I figure I didn't have anything important or life altering to say anyways so ... I'm finding lately that I am much more at home in smaller groups where I can play an integral role in the conversation. Which doesn't mean I dislike all large group activities because sometimes I do just like to listen. It's all about finding a balance I guess. Historically I have had a lot of problems with balance (literally and figuratively) ... I tend to hit one extreme or the other. So I am trying to fine tune but there is not always a lot of precision. It's not like physical balance where I can just think "tight abs, tight abs" and my left tilt corrects itself just so. Ah well. If life was easy I would probably get bored.

I've actually been talking to my brother a lot. We went through a really rough patch in the fall cause I was a little bit snappish what with the broken heart and all and he was a little bit snappish what with the lack of gainful employment ... but now he has a job and my heart is a lot less shattered and things are much better. Which is good. My brother is one of the people that I know believes in me no matter what, unconditionally. And that's kind of an amazing thing. (For what it is worth, I believe in him too.)

I've been hanging out a lot with B too, trying to get lots of time in before she goes away. Although she had an interview at the Stollery yesterday so if she gets that job she might delay the travelling for another year. I'm not sure which I hope for more - both would be amazing opportunities for her. The first would mean a week's holiday for me; the latter would mean my best friend stays a few blocks away for a little longer - both would be good things.

Things feel really random right now ... I have a few tentative plans for the coming months (Greece!!) but nothing set in stone until July 7,2007. I know that in the next few days things are going to solidify but at this second my future feels foggy and uncertain. I have a lot of decisions coming but for the next few days I can put them off and pretend that I am not about to stray from my beaten path. Maybe it is too late and I have already strayed. That sounds like I am about to do something risky and exciting and I'm really really not. But I am making choices that will upset the delicate balance of my life as is. I suppose any decision changes things. Perhaps I just feel very conscious of change today. How eloquent of me :p

Blast from the Past

I got a phone call today from my very first boyfriend. I think it has been almost 10 years since I last talked to him. And I just ... I don't know what to say. I picked up the phone as usual and said "Thank you for calling My Workplace, Gwyn speaking" and he said "Gwyn?" and I said yes and he said "that's a name I haven't heard in a long time. Do you know who this is?" and I honestly thought it was one of my dad's friends or someone from one of the other offices just being silly so I made some smart comment and he said "from the way you just said that I know you're who I think you are. This is ..." Our jobs are sort of tenuously connected and he came across my name in some of his paperwork and thought he would check it out. I didn't have a lot of time to chat being at work and all but I gave him my cell # and maybe we will go for coffee or something and catch up.

It's weird but also a little bit wonderful to hear from him. I mean, it's been 10 years and I don't think about him all the time but he was someone I cared a lot about at one point and every once in a while I wonder how he is and what he is doing and wish that I knew how to get in touch with him. And now here we are. He's married and has 2 kids and it's crazy and strange to contemplate. Maybe he will never call again, or maybe after all this time we'll have nothing in common but today was still nice.

It fit in kind of nicely with some of the stuff that has been rolling around in my brain these last few days about friends and friendships in general and how sometimes you drift away from people you always thought would be right beside you. And I think a lot of the time the drift is unintentional ... maybe it's an inherent laziness of mostly spending time with the people who are in closest proximity, maybe it's the natural progression of things. I'm thinking about the other people I was close with 10 years ago and how I thought we would always be friends or at least keep in generic touch, a card at Christmas or whatever ... and the only people really around from those days are B & Niki (although Chnaners and Jo entered the picture right around then) and I wonder what makes my friendships with those 2 girls different, why we lasted and continue to last, especially given that there have been big blowouts that could have ended things. How have we held on? Maybe I shouldn't think about it too much other than to be thankful every day that we have. But I can't help wondering how it all works. I think of the people I am close with today and how I can't imagine not being close with them and a part of me wonders who will still play a role in my life 5 years from now, 10 years from now. Wonders if I can do anything to make sure we are still in touch, to make sure they know how much they touch every moment of my life and how much that matters and in some ways will always matter.

That's what todays phone call made me realize. That yes, people drift apart, but the effect of those important people is never truly forgotten. I still remember that first kiss, I still remember the look he had that was reserved just for me, I still remember all the laughter and good times - maybe not the specifics of it all but the general feeling of comfort and good will. I remember the tears and the rough patches and the learning experiences. And while that time 10 years ago, and those people from back then, are no longer the focal point of my map, they're still an indelible part of who I was and who I have become.

It's hard to stay in touch with everyone that I want to. Even with e-mail at my finger tips, I often talk myself out of writing to the people I care about because nothing super interesting is going on or I can't think of anything witty to say. But I am going to work on it. I am going to try and keep in better touch, even if it just ends up being a quick e-mail or a card to say "I'm thinking about you" or "you're important to me". Because I don't want to wake up 5 years from now or 10 years from now and wonder where my friends went and wonder if I could have tried a little bit harder to keep them in my life.