Outside of my comfort zone ...

People keep asking me why I moved away. And it's not an easy question to answer. There are so many answers and all of them feel like half-truths.

I guess in its simplest form the truth is this: I moved because some voice deep inside told me that I had to. I moved to gain some distance and perspective, to carve MY life for MYself, to take a job opportunity that had presented itself. But mostly I moved because I couldn't not move. Or I couldn't stay where I was. However you want to put it.

People keep telling me that I am so brave to have moved. To have come to a strange city where I really know no one. To have come by myself, for myself, with only myself to rely on. That I am brave and adventurous to be exploring the city, finding the gyms and the stores and the classes and the places (and hopefully eventually the friends) that I want in my daily life. Most days it doesn't feel brave at all. Some days it feels like I ran away from a lot of problems I didn't want to deal with and I am not sure where the bravery is in that. I ran to a better and safer and healthier place but I still ran. I'm changing myself but I'm not changing the realities I left behind. Is there really bravery to be found here?

I guess the fact that I am aware that there are still problems from my past to be faced counts for something. I am gathering strength to deal with them when they rear their ugly heads as I am sure they will. I am gathering happiness and positive moments and inner peace. And when the time comes I will deal the best way I know how. And I will pick up my pieces and move forward with what is left when the time comes.

One of the things BW always said to me was that I had to push myself, I had to live outside of my comfort zone, I had to try as hard as I could and then I had to try a little bit harder than that. Not because I am not good enough the way that I am but because I deserve more than I could ever imagine. I think those words (or at least my paraphrase of his words) will be with me forever. I hear them at the gym when I feel too tired to run another minute or do another set or try a harder exercise. I hear them every morning when I get up and face another day on my own. I hear them when I am too scared to try and find a new place or meet a new person or try something new. Those words are like a battering ram that chip away at my inhibitions and make me into a better person. They are my mantra, my driving force, my will to keep growing and changing one day at a time.