Sometimes I lie. And I'm not always proud of that fact because it usually makes me feel like I have something to be ashamed about. And I wish that I could be stronger and tell the truth all the time. And I wish even more that I could always be the person everyone else seems to want me to be because then maybe I would feel like I belong again. And by everyone else I probably mean no one because it's all in my head.
But the thing with lying ... well, I usually do it because a)I am not sure what the truth actually is or b) I feel like the truth would rock the boat too much. And when people accept my lie - when I know they know it's a lie - then it feels (to me) like they are giving me permission to continue lying. Like they are agreeing that the truth would rock the boat and it is better that I keep up the pretense that my lie is the truth. So my one little lie grows into several and at the end of the day does anybody really know me anymore? Do I even know myself?
I want to be secure in the knowledge that no matter how many times I screw up (and I know better than anyone that it's a lot) there will be people in my life who will stand by me and help me pick up the pieces. Even if (and maybe especially when) they know/feel that I am wrong to choose the path I'm taking. I'd like to be trusted to make my own mistakes. And maybe that's a lot to ask and maybe it's more a matter of trusting myself and plowing ahead and maybe it's all just an illusion.
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2 comments:
I'll always be here for you. No matter what.
It's kind of hard to make a comment about this (I've been trying to think of one for WEEKS now and have been unable to), but this is my best shot.
Comedy Reply:
Yes, but how do I know you're not lying right now????
Sincere Reply:
You can lie or tell the truth to me whenever you need to. As long as I get to see you every once in a while, I don't care what you tell me.
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