There are no words

I think one of the worst feelings in the world is consciously realizing you have outgrown a friendship. Especially a friendship that means the world to you, a friendship that has held you together through so many storms and made you feel safe and whole and loved unconditionally. But I have realized over the last little while that because of all of those things I have come to have unrealistic expectations about that friendship. And I have to let those go. I am ok with letting those go. But I am also scared because I know that it means our friendship will never be what it once was. Maybe, given time, we will find a new rhythm, a new closeness, a level of intimacy that will actually work for the long run. But right now I think I need to step back, gain some perspective and move on without that kind voice offering words of encouragement, without those warm hands holding mine, without that unwavering belief in me pushing me forward. And that terrifies me. Even while I know that I can't keep using this friend as a crutch, that I can't keep the past level of intimacy without keeping the unrealistic expectations and the hurt that goes along with every realization that they are unrealistic. Even while I am propelled forward by this person, a part of me is held back, hoping that if I can recreate those perfect moments they will become an always reality. And that part of me needs to move forward. Even though I don't know what that actually means or will look like.

I find friendships/relationships confusing. I don't understand why some people are forever friends and some are friends for a moment and some are never truly friends. I don't understand why some friendships end with a blowout, some just fade away entirely, others fade in and out and still others are a comforting constant. But I found this blurb and while not entirely satisfying it does make me feel like I am not alone in the ups and downs of the people who make up my life.

The author is anonymous but the words ring true to me right now.

A Reason, A Season Or A Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a god-send, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, your desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real—but, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.