Between a Rock & a Hardplace

I'm not sure how to write about this. Even thinking about writing about this feels like a betrayal of sorts. So even though it may be obvious to some who I am talking about I am going to try as best I can to not be overly specific, to not name names or relationships. Because I think I need to write about this.

I have been trying very hard over the last couple of years to cut the negative out of my life. To walk away from those people who consistently make me feel badly about myself, from those people who belittle me or treat me without dignity and respect. To tell myself that I deserve people in my life who want only good things for me, who are willing to support me, who are positive influences.

But there is one person in my life that I don't think I can walk away from. Even though his screaming at me to fuck off and that he hates me and that he never wants to see me again cuts deeply. Even though his comments that I am fat and ugly, meant to be hilarious because in actuality I am neither fat nor ugly, hit all the right nerves every time because I have such issues with how I look. Even though he picks me and hangs me upside down or carries me bodily out of the room because he feels like it and I scream at him to stop, not because he is physically hurting me but because he is making me feel helpless and powerless.

I know that something is wrong with him. Emotionally, psychologically. Something is wrong. He is too angry too much of the time for there to be nothing wrong. And everytime I realize that I can do nothing to help him because he does not want my help, because my concern only serves to anger him further, another piece of my heart breaks. And everytime someone tells me not to take it personally, not to let him ruin my night or my self-confidence, because although his anger and rage might be directed at me it is not because of me, I wonder how they can make that distinction. I think of all the times he has been sweet and gentle and kind and I wonder where that boy goes and I wonder where all the anger comes from and I wish more than anything that there was something I could do.

But I can't keep being the target he lashes out at.

Moving to Calgary has brought some distance but it hasn't solved the problem, only made me feel like I am running away, hoping each time that I go back to Edmonton that things will be different. I know that if something is wrong I will feel overwhelmed by guilt for not knowing how to help, for not being strong enough to make him get help, for being selfish by looking out for my own fragile psyche and staying as much out of his way as possible. From todays vantage point it feels absolutely like a lose lose situation.