Project Buy Property

I think I was a little bit scared to come back to Edmonton last weekend. I knew that I had to have a big talk with my parents about exactly how much financial help they were willing and able to give me to get Project Buy Property up and running and I wasn't entirely sure how that would go. I knew that they were more than willing, I just wasn't entirely sure what that meant in real numbers and I felt guilty (feel guilty) that I was even asking this of them. (They offered, I asked, it all boils down to the same thing really) I tried to do a lot of budgeting and planning before I got here so that I could give them options and proof of what I was going to do to make things work but I just wasn't entirely sure how the conversation was going to go.

Thankfully better than expected. And then we met with 1 bank on Tuesday and I am officially pre-approved for a mortgage. Which was all kinds of scary and not scary at the same time. Because now I have to think about a fixed or floating mortgage and maybe talk to at least one other bank to see what kind of rate they will give me and ... really it is so many numbers my head is still spinning. But the lady at the bank said she thought that I was going about things very logically. Which made me wonder for a moment if she was entirely crazy because most of the time I feel like I have no idea what I am doing and like things are happening at warp speed and without my actually having time to think things through. (Which is maybe a good thing). Take the bank for example - I popped in on my lunch break to make an appointment for Thursday and they were all, well Thursday won't work but how does now sound? Can you pop in now? (OMG).

But there is a plan in place and it involves a 1 bedroom or a 1 bedroom +den and no roommate and a mortgage payment that is going to make my financial life more dreary than my sex life (is that even possible?) but I will have a home and it will be my own. And when I am not completely terrified I am actually rather excited.

Next stop: a meeting with my boss tomorrow to discuss the overtime hours I am going to start working.

There are no words

I think one of the worst feelings in the world is consciously realizing you have outgrown a friendship. Especially a friendship that means the world to you, a friendship that has held you together through so many storms and made you feel safe and whole and loved unconditionally. But I have realized over the last little while that because of all of those things I have come to have unrealistic expectations about that friendship. And I have to let those go. I am ok with letting those go. But I am also scared because I know that it means our friendship will never be what it once was. Maybe, given time, we will find a new rhythm, a new closeness, a level of intimacy that will actually work for the long run. But right now I think I need to step back, gain some perspective and move on without that kind voice offering words of encouragement, without those warm hands holding mine, without that unwavering belief in me pushing me forward. And that terrifies me. Even while I know that I can't keep using this friend as a crutch, that I can't keep the past level of intimacy without keeping the unrealistic expectations and the hurt that goes along with every realization that they are unrealistic. Even while I am propelled forward by this person, a part of me is held back, hoping that if I can recreate those perfect moments they will become an always reality. And that part of me needs to move forward. Even though I don't know what that actually means or will look like.

I find friendships/relationships confusing. I don't understand why some people are forever friends and some are friends for a moment and some are never truly friends. I don't understand why some friendships end with a blowout, some just fade away entirely, others fade in and out and still others are a comforting constant. But I found this blurb and while not entirely satisfying it does make me feel like I am not alone in the ups and downs of the people who make up my life.

The author is anonymous but the words ring true to me right now.

A Reason, A Season Or A Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a god-send, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, your desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real—but, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Moving on (again)

I'm in the middle of a freakout. Or rather, I was in the middle of a freakout. I am (I think) currently in the calm post decision pre storm.

So a couple entries back I made a (very) brief reference to the fact that Chels (my roomie) and I had had a discussion about our living situation. It went something like this:
Me - Are you planning on selling this place and moving in with your boyfriend?
Her - Nope. If we do move in together I'll keep this place as a rental. Feel free to plan to stay as long as you want.

This was barely two weeks ago. Fast forward to last night.
Her - So remember how I told you I wasn't moving in with the boy and selling this place? I'm moving in with the boy and selling this place.

Huh. Awesome.

And it's not that I don't understand or think that it is the best decision for her. But I am really tired of moving. And I am even more tired of moving because other people say I have to. And I would really really like to live somewhere for more than 6 months.

So I think that I am going to buy. Hence the freak out. Because the I think I am going to buy is more like I am 99.9% sure I am going to buy and yes it really is the best decision but holy crap I arrived at it over night and I have to buy a place by May 1 instead of leisurely taking my time over the fall of 2008 as I had planned. (I had also planned to be married and have 2.5 kids by the time I was 25. Sometimes shit happens.)

I'm going to have to find a roommate obviously. And my parents are on board financially otherwise I could never pull it off in this economy. And I have the option to buy this place, which would be nice because I really like the area and the layout of the condo and I wouldn't have to move everything, but I am going to try and look at 3 other places (maybe more) over the weekend just to see. And then my dad and I will have to sit down and meet with the bank and start putting all the paperwork together ... but I can't think that far ahead (2 weeks) because I start to hyperventilate a little.

It makes sense to do this now though. Because I do want to buy in the near future anyways and I don't want to move now (AGAIN) and move in the fall (AGAIN) and with a roommate my mortgage payment will be the equivalent or very close to the rent I would pay to live on my own. So if I am going to be house poor I would rather actually own a house.

But it is a HUGE step and one I am not entirely sure I am ready for. I feel guilty that I am asking my parents for so much money, even though they are offering, even though my dad told me not to even take that into consideration. I almost burst into tears when he said that they would do what they had to to make sure I got what was best for me. I am not sure I deserve that, especially not in such a large monetary sum. And I guess it just feels weird to be taking this step on my own. I had always envisioned buying my first home with the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Never once did it occur to me that I might still be single, that I would have to search for a roommate, that it would be all me, all the time, all alone. The ideal that I should be taking this step with someone else is a hard one to let go of. But I don't have a lot of options and I certainly can't let not having a man in my life keep me from making the best decision for me in this moment.

And so it goes.