Dreams

I often have very vivid dreams which are remembered in varying amounts of detail the next day. Sometimes they are so disturbing that I have to sleep the rest of the night with my door open or my light on - because I am 5 and rendered afraid of the dark. Sometimes they seem so real that they are disturbing on an entirely separate level, like the dreams I have where I am sleeping beside some gorgeous hunk of a man and then when I wake up I look around and wonder where my boyfriend/husband is and usually say to myself "oh he must have had to work early today" and it takes me until I get into the shower to realize that it was just a dream and I have no boyfriend/husband and there is still 74.5 years to go on The Plan so shut up stupid dream. I have one recurring dream usually when I am super stressed and it involves me being in school but never actually going to class or doing my assignments and fully intending to drop my class and suddenly I realize that it is the day of my final exam or the day my final project is due and I am still enrolled in the class and man am I screwed. The funny thing is that I never had this dream while I was actually in school.

I just remembered the dream/half awake panic I had last night wherein I was desperately trying to remember the name of a former co-worker and I kept listing of names of people I currently work with and then reminding myself that I wanted the name of someone who used to work with me and then being convinced that her name started with the letter D and listing all the D names I could think of until I fell asleep again, lather rinse repeat. And I just remembered her name which is what brought back the dream to me and it totally does not start with the letter D at all. And I kind of wish that I could have had a good deep sleep instead of worrying about not remembering her name.

Scrapbooking

6 of us spent the weekend at a fabulous B&B on a scrapbooking retreat. It was really wonderful to get away to the quiet of the country and to be spoiled rotton all weekend by our hosts. Seriously. Everytime we turned around there was some new freshly baked treat awaiting. So it is probably a good thing that I am determined that my gym schedule will get back on track after the total screweduppedness of December & January.

But it was also nice to have some time totally dedicated to working on my Europe scrapbook which is quickly becoming the Longest Project Ever. Karen got to do a happy dance after finishing her wedding guest book; I am decreeing a happy evening of dancing when I finally finish my project. I am at 54 pages and counting and have been working on them for at least a year and a half. Most everyone else has finished at least 1 book in that time. They all make the creative process look so effortless and beautiful while I feel like I have to sweat blood and tears for the same effect. I am really happy with how my book is coming along but man. It is HARD. And I feel really needy because I crave positive commentary and ego stroking like some people crave crack cocaine. I think in some ways it is because I have always been told that I am unartistic to the Nth degree - I can't draw, paint, sculpt, or do other traditionally artistic things. I am all thumbs with the occasional faceplant into dismal atrocities. And it is only starting to occur to me that not being an artist in the traditional sense doesn't mean that I am not creative. And of course now that I have under-utilized the creative side of my brain it is taking more than a gentle kick start to get into gear. Working with pictures is one of the ways I have chosen to try and relate more with my creativity and although it is frustrating a lot of the time because I just don't feel like it comes naturally it is also something I hope to explore more of and maybe find other creative outlets. Just add it to my ever growing list of goals and aspirations.

New Beginnings

So I've kind of decided to move my random scribblings to this location. In some ways it feels like jumping on the bandwagon but lately I've found that I occasionally have only a few quick things to say and my current format just isn't conducive to the shorter posts. It's great when I want to blather on for a while but that's about it. And in the end that is deterring me from writing on a more regular basis. I'm not going to swear that the move will definitely change things but I am hoping that it will. In the end, this space is more for me than for anyone else, a place to jot down the chaos that swims in my brain and hopefully gain some perspective from the writing excercise.

More of the Same

I don't know if it is leftover lethargy from being sick or the January blahs or what but I feel like if I were to be compared to a flavor I would be Plain. And since the only thing I can think of that comes in a Plain flavor is yoghurt I would be Plain Yoghurt. I tried to explain this analogy to BW last night using Vanilla but I actually kind of like Vanilla. And regardless he only laughed at me and told me I couldn't be plain anything because I was way too crazy. I think that was supposed to make me feel better.

But it is true. I am feeling utterly Plain Jane. I am ballet (without the beauty and grace) instead of hip-hop; dry history instead of action-adventure; planning and predictable instead of spur of the moment; Prim & Proper. And that's fine I guess. Only right now I am rebelling against myself. I don't want to be who I am but I don't know how to be anybody else. And also when I do have my moments of slight risktaking I a)find rejection right quick and b)feel guilty for days and weeks and sometimes even months. It's who I am and who I have always been but lately in ways I can't quantify I am not happy with myself. I want to be different. I want to be noticed in a crowd. I want to be someone people call. I want to be somone people respond to. I want to be someone people remember. I want to have exciting news. I want to do interesting things (and not spend days sick in compensation). Instead, I have my little routine that I rarely deviate from and little things to look forward to that don't really change the grand scheme of anything ever.

Maybe I'm NOT Sorry

I've been sick for what feels like a million years (actual time span: one week of moderate cold; 3 days of hell on earth bronchial infection) and have been ignoring ... well pretty much everything other than couch, bed, kleenex box. I hate being sick. I hate the Hot Mouth thing I inevitably get going that makes me feel thirsty all the time so I am drinking gallons of water and spending so much time in the bathroom that I might as well make a little nest and move in permanently and yet no amount of liquid actually quenches my thirst or cools off the hellfire that is burning at the back of my throat. I hate the raw red nose look I get going because I have gone through a big box of kleenex in less than 24 hours. I hate the achy bones and muscles and sensitive nerve endings that make the slightest touch feel like you are being dipped in molten lava. I hate the inability to find a perfect temperature - I am either so hot there is literally smoke wafting off my body or I am so cold there are icicles.

I usually hate going to the doctor so it is a sign that I am feeling pretty icky when I voluntarily call to make an appointment (I think I still blame doctors for telling me that penicillin tasted like bananas - which I loved - and then the medicine tasted like ass and because I associated it with bananas, bananas began to taste like the medicine. For years I couldn't eat bananas without an instant gag reflex (I still don't do well with banana flavored liquids) and still when I am sick I get that medicine taste in my mouth and I want to die). Right ... Doctors. But the good thing about my new doctor is that when I called Tuesday morning I got an appointment for Tuesday afternoon (!!) and didn't have to wait in an overcrowded medicentre for several hours. So far I am pretty impressed with my new doctor. Very short wait times, able to be seen when you need to be seen and not 3 weeks later, pays attention when I am talking, answers my questions. All good things.

I'm not usually one to acknowledge that I deserve to be treated better but a lot of the time I do. I'm so good at making excuses: oh they're busy or they have patients who are sicker than I am or they're having a bad day or I'm being too sensitive or whatever. And I don't think that my excuse-making is going to stop overnight - I've had 25 years to develop a fairly complicated system of pretending everyone else is more important than I am 99% of the time - but I think it is something I need to look at and address. Because I don't ALWAYS have unreasonable expectations. And I'm not ALWAYS being overly sensitive. Sometimes the problem actually is exterior to myself and in those situations I need to be able to a)recognize them as such and b)say "I'm sorry. It's not me, it's YOU. We're done here." (Maybe even without the I'm sorry part. A girl can dream.)

Pete the Perch

I keep thinking about an episode of Gilmore Girls that B and I watched recently where Lorelai goes fishing and then keeps the fish she catches in her bathtub. It made me think about spending summer weekends out at the lake with Niki and her family and the one time we went fishing. Which, like most things Niki and I did together, ended up being quite the comedy routine. We did catch a fish that was too small and had to be thrown back but not before we grew thouroughly attached and named the poor thing - Pete the Perch. I think.

Man we had a lot of fun. Making up card games like Sluff the Maid, playing real card games, eating yummy Baba baking, tube rides and boat rides and seadooing, being allowed a drink or two even though we were under age, and always always lots of laughter. And of course the incessant dicussions about the 10 boys I had a crush on that weekend, none of whom I had ever really talked to. But we had theories and schemes and jokes and more theories and we talked until we were blue in the face.

So many things have changed since those hazy lakeside days. But one constant is the amount that Niki and I can talk when we are together. Not always about boys these days but they still feature when it is warranted. There aren't many people I can talk to the way I talk to Niki - some people come close but they still don't get me to divulge quite everything on every topic. I can't think of anyone else that I could spend an afternoon with and then 2 hours on the phone in the evening and still have more to say. Of course these days the phone marathons are warranted because we don't talk every day ... It's just sort of hit me how much I miss her. We have secret plans about how we can arrange to live in the same city again. God willing they'll actually be feasible one day.

Randomness

The good news is that while I haven't been writing anything here the last few days, I have been writing. Sometimes you want to share your life with the internet, other days, not so much. Actually I haven't felt much like sharing anything with anybody lately and when I have opened my mouth I've been talked over and just plain not heard and I figure I didn't have anything important or life altering to say anyways so ... I'm finding lately that I am much more at home in smaller groups where I can play an integral role in the conversation. Which doesn't mean I dislike all large group activities because sometimes I do just like to listen. It's all about finding a balance I guess. Historically I have had a lot of problems with balance (literally and figuratively) ... I tend to hit one extreme or the other. So I am trying to fine tune but there is not always a lot of precision. It's not like physical balance where I can just think "tight abs, tight abs" and my left tilt corrects itself just so. Ah well. If life was easy I would probably get bored.

I've actually been talking to my brother a lot. We went through a really rough patch in the fall cause I was a little bit snappish what with the broken heart and all and he was a little bit snappish what with the lack of gainful employment ... but now he has a job and my heart is a lot less shattered and things are much better. Which is good. My brother is one of the people that I know believes in me no matter what, unconditionally. And that's kind of an amazing thing. (For what it is worth, I believe in him too.)

I've been hanging out a lot with B too, trying to get lots of time in before she goes away. Although she had an interview at the Stollery yesterday so if she gets that job she might delay the travelling for another year. I'm not sure which I hope for more - both would be amazing opportunities for her. The first would mean a week's holiday for me; the latter would mean my best friend stays a few blocks away for a little longer - both would be good things.

Things feel really random right now ... I have a few tentative plans for the coming months (Greece!!) but nothing set in stone until July 7,2007. I know that in the next few days things are going to solidify but at this second my future feels foggy and uncertain. I have a lot of decisions coming but for the next few days I can put them off and pretend that I am not about to stray from my beaten path. Maybe it is too late and I have already strayed. That sounds like I am about to do something risky and exciting and I'm really really not. But I am making choices that will upset the delicate balance of my life as is. I suppose any decision changes things. Perhaps I just feel very conscious of change today. How eloquent of me :p

Blast from the Past

I got a phone call today from my very first boyfriend. I think it has been almost 10 years since I last talked to him. And I just ... I don't know what to say. I picked up the phone as usual and said "Thank you for calling My Workplace, Gwyn speaking" and he said "Gwyn?" and I said yes and he said "that's a name I haven't heard in a long time. Do you know who this is?" and I honestly thought it was one of my dad's friends or someone from one of the other offices just being silly so I made some smart comment and he said "from the way you just said that I know you're who I think you are. This is ..." Our jobs are sort of tenuously connected and he came across my name in some of his paperwork and thought he would check it out. I didn't have a lot of time to chat being at work and all but I gave him my cell # and maybe we will go for coffee or something and catch up.

It's weird but also a little bit wonderful to hear from him. I mean, it's been 10 years and I don't think about him all the time but he was someone I cared a lot about at one point and every once in a while I wonder how he is and what he is doing and wish that I knew how to get in touch with him. And now here we are. He's married and has 2 kids and it's crazy and strange to contemplate. Maybe he will never call again, or maybe after all this time we'll have nothing in common but today was still nice.

It fit in kind of nicely with some of the stuff that has been rolling around in my brain these last few days about friends and friendships in general and how sometimes you drift away from people you always thought would be right beside you. And I think a lot of the time the drift is unintentional ... maybe it's an inherent laziness of mostly spending time with the people who are in closest proximity, maybe it's the natural progression of things. I'm thinking about the other people I was close with 10 years ago and how I thought we would always be friends or at least keep in generic touch, a card at Christmas or whatever ... and the only people really around from those days are B & Niki (although Chnaners and Jo entered the picture right around then) and I wonder what makes my friendships with those 2 girls different, why we lasted and continue to last, especially given that there have been big blowouts that could have ended things. How have we held on? Maybe I shouldn't think about it too much other than to be thankful every day that we have. But I can't help wondering how it all works. I think of the people I am close with today and how I can't imagine not being close with them and a part of me wonders who will still play a role in my life 5 years from now, 10 years from now. Wonders if I can do anything to make sure we are still in touch, to make sure they know how much they touch every moment of my life and how much that matters and in some ways will always matter.

That's what todays phone call made me realize. That yes, people drift apart, but the effect of those important people is never truly forgotten. I still remember that first kiss, I still remember the look he had that was reserved just for me, I still remember all the laughter and good times - maybe not the specifics of it all but the general feeling of comfort and good will. I remember the tears and the rough patches and the learning experiences. And while that time 10 years ago, and those people from back then, are no longer the focal point of my map, they're still an indelible part of who I was and who I have become.

It's hard to stay in touch with everyone that I want to. Even with e-mail at my finger tips, I often talk myself out of writing to the people I care about because nothing super interesting is going on or I can't think of anything witty to say. But I am going to work on it. I am going to try and keep in better touch, even if it just ends up being a quick e-mail or a card to say "I'm thinking about you" or "you're important to me". Because I don't want to wake up 5 years from now or 10 years from now and wonder where my friends went and wonder if I could have tried a little bit harder to keep them in my life.