Saturday Six

Things that made me happy this week

1. Late night chatting with Niki
2. Late night hanging out with Simone/Tyler/Erik
3. Long phone call with Melly
4. Long phone call with Erica
5. Home deal being finalized
6. FINALLY introducing myself to the cute boy at the gym

It is Official

My condo deal went firm today!

The week was not as housewise hectic as anticipated but I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I am (not so secretly) super anal and on the ball. Monday was brutal because I made all my phone calls first thing and then had to wait impatiently for everyone else to get their lives in order and get back to me. But by the end of Tuesday I had all my financing approved and all my appointments set up and felt pretty good about life. So now all I have to do is talk to the lawyer (beginning of April), pick paint colors, pack and move. Everything has fallen into place and I can't help wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. But every time that negativity, those thoughts that my life can't be totally fabulous, creep up on me I take a deep breath and say no, I deserve to be happy, I deserve good things to happen to me, and I can deal with any minor bumps along the way. It's not a fool proof plan but it is keeping me moving forward with a smile on my face.

I had my inspection this afternoon and got to see the place knowing that it was mine and it was an awesome feeling walking through the door and thinking, I own this place! It still smelled like old man and still doesn't show well but I have a vision and think that once I paint and nest and make it my own I am really really going to love it. I noticed all kinds of little things I missed in the terror of trying to make a good decision, like the lights over the breakfast bar and how huge the balcony really is. I am excited over really nerdy things like how much storage space there is and the nook with the built in computer desk and the insuite laundry. Not to mention the walk-in closet and the breakfast bar and the decent sized bedroom and the underground heated parking.

My posession date is April 15 and it is going to come quickly. But I am ready and I am excited and I truly believe that everything is going to work out. I will be poorer than a churchmouse but I will have a home and I will feel like there is somewhere I finally belong in this city. Somewhere that I can come home to as a sanctuary. Somewhere that is mine all mine, from the furniture to the decorations to the sweat labour that will go into the paint job. I can hardly wait.

#7. Save for/buy property – conditional as of March 7, 2008

I conditionally own property!! And once I officially own property I will provide a few more details of said property. Pictures to follow if I a)buy a camera before I move in or b) (more likely) borrow my parents camera.

It is exciting and nervewracking and stressful and a whole lot of emotions all at once. Mostly good. But there is so much to do before the end of Friday that I am not sure how it is all going to come together in time. I have to call my investor to release my personal RRSP money and fill out a form to send away for my work RRSP money and talk to the bank to find out if the drop in interest rates changes anything or if my dad has to make a decision about loaning me a little bit more money or co-signing. I have to arrange for my inspection - which seems silly for a 600 sq ft condo built in 2006 but I know a guy and it is free so why the heck not. I have to meet with the people who are going to review my condo documents to make sure there is nothing funky up front that I need to know about. Plus working, working overtime, and um maybe some more overtime so that when I start hemmoraging money like there is no tomorrow there will actually be said money in my bank account.

The thought of everything I have to spend money on now is keeping me awake at night. So I am going to make a bit of a list right now in the hopes that once it is officially written somewhere my brain will turn off and let me sleep. (ha ha ha) There are lawyers fees and the cost of the condo review and possibly a repayment of taxes if the guy who currently lives there paid in advance. I need to paint so there will be the cost of paint etc. I need living room furniture (which I think I am buying 2nd hand and have mostly under control). A toaster and a kettle. And silverware. A vaccuum. And possibly a million other odds and ends, so I am really wishing I remembered exactly what is in the boxes I have packed up at my parents. Some of it is not going to be urgent purchases but there is enough that needs to be bought in the fairly immediate future that I am feeling slightly panicked and also unreasonably wanting to spend money on frivolous things. (Shopping calms my nerves. I am trying to find something free to calm my nerves and in the meantime beating down the urge to spend money unnecessarily.)

I think once the hectic and the money spending is over (I know the money spending will never actually end but the initial outpouring will slow to a trickle) I will be really excited. I'm in a great area of town, I really like the place I bought and I am SO excited to live on my own as previously mentioned. A little (or a lot) of financial frugality never killed anyone. Did it?

Saturday Six

Food Related

1. I first tried Apricot Stilton cheese when I was in England almost 5 (OMG) years ago and fell madly in love. I have searched every grocery store I have ever been in since and have failed to find it in Canada. But Thursday I got a hot tip that they sell it at Sunterra and there is now a hunk of delectable yumminess in my fridge. It was better than I remembered.

2. I always thought that the bagel switch on toasters was to widen the toaster slots so the bagel would fit better. Apparently it actually turns off the heat on one side so you only toast the front of the bagel. I prefer my bagels toasted on both sides.

3. Shopping for yogourt stresses me out. I don't want aspartame and I don't want too much artificial sugar but the label doesn't indicate how much sugar is artificial vs natural and ... and I try to eat yogourt every day so finding one that meets all of my requirements and is not uber-expensive would be a really good thing.

4. I don't like yogourt with fruit on the bottom

5. I am starting to really enjoy onions. Even raw. I think the world may be close to ending.

6. I love wraps. I think you could put almost anything in a wrap and it would be fabulous. Yesterday I had a flatbread wrap with hummous, artichoke, olive, fresh veggies and feta. I could have died happy after that meal.

Stepping Stones

I'm feeling a bit more on an even keel today. Still a little scared, still a little stressed, but more confident that I will be able to handle things. I think all I needed was a good nights sleep, a few deep breaths and a little perspective. I think it was the right decision not to make an offer yesterday.

Surprisingly, the person who has helped me calm down and rationalize the most is my mother. I know. No one is more shocked than I am. But everytime I have felt like things were getting out of control she has been the voice of reason, she has somehow said all the right things to make me step back and confirm that this is what I want. Last night she told me (and I am paraphrasing here) that people could say what they wanted and I could take or leave their advice but the most important thing was for me to have enough confidence that I was capable of making the best decision possible. And she is right. Even though I am scared that I might make a mistake, it will not be a mistake I can't recover from. I am not going to pay too much for my place. I am not going to buy a lemon. I know what my finances are like and what I can afford and what I have to do to make it work. And if the bottom of the market falls out, well, I am not going to be alone in that experience. All I can do is gather as much information and make as informed a decision as possible. As a Smart & Beautiful Girl(tm) I am more than qualified to take this step. More importantly I am ready to take this step.

I know that I don't love the place I am thinking about putting an offer on. But I do like it. I can see that it has potential with a little paint and my own personal touches. It is somewhere I will be able to afford and it is somewhere I think I will be happy for the next 2 to 5 years (Thanks Karen). It is not my dream house, but, as I have said before and as I may have to keep reminding myself, it is a stepping stone to get there.

I am going to look at a few more places on Thursday, just to make sure that there isn't something that meets all my qualifications that I do LOVE the minute I walk in the door. Depending what I find we'll take it step by step from there.

Not Knowing

I didn't put an offer in. I almost did. But then I didn't.

And I am frustrated, confused and feeling rather stupid because there are so many things I don't know and I am not one who likes to negotiate and everyone has about 4 million opinions about what I should do and how I should do it and ... and I just don't know.

I know that I need to move. I know that I want to buy rather than rent. I know that I want a one bedroom so that I can live on my own. I know that it is a buyers market right now.

But I don't know what the market is going to do. And I don't know what a fair price actually is given that even offering "low" is still considerably high for what a place is actually worth. Except that what a place is actually worth is driven by the market and ...

I have looked at 12 places (the only 12 in my price range in the SE/SW and not on the ground floor) and liked 2 of them. Not loved. And there are things that I don't like about both places. So does that mean I should widen my search or does that mean I should be more ok with offering low and sticking low. And how does my realtor fit in? Because obviously she is in it for the commission and the more I pay the more she makes. But she says she wants me to love the place I make an offer on and that if I am not willing to move much off my starting point then that means I don't love it and won't be happy so we should keep looking. But then other people say that even if I did love it I should still start low and stay firm because it is a buyers market and the seller should come as close to my price as possible. They say it is like a game of chicken and if the sellers place has sat long enough without any bites then they have to be getting nervous so even if I am nervous because I have a deadline for when I have to move by I still have the upper hand.

It doesn't really feel like the upper hand. It feels like I don't know. And like I should know. And like I have to make a decision only how do I know if I am making the right decision and ...

Have I mentioned the frustrated and stressed part?

I am trying to stay positive and believe that things will work out the way they are supposed to and that I will find a place I love and can afford. It is really hard to do today.

Opinionated? Who Me?

Wednesday officially started the condo hunt. My realtor (Kim) and I had gone out a couple of times before my stint in Edmonton but that was before I had really decided what I wanted and knew what I could afford. So Wednesday was the deluge of 1 bedrooms.

We saw 9.

And I liked 1.

I haven't decided if that is good or bad yet. We are going tomorrow afternoon to see the place I liked again and 4 others. I am pretty sure if I don't like any of the other 4 I will be putting in an offer. Tomorrow. In less than 24 hours. Send a brown bag for me to hyperventilate in kthanks.

Here is what I have learned from my search: a lot of people who design condos do not have the functionality of a small space in mind. I apparently feel strongly that if I am going to be living in 600sq ft or less it NEEDS to be functional. There should be closets. The masterbedroom/walk in closet should not be bigger than the rest of the living area. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the idea of a walk-in closet. The very girly part of me wept for joy when I walked into that bedroom. My dreamhouse has several walk-in closets. But I am not buying my dreamhouse. I am buying a stepping stone towards my dreamhouse and the practical side of me would much rather trade a bigger bedroom with walk in closet for a kitchen I can actually cook in and a living area that will fit more than 2 people without guests having to resort to sitting on top of one another.

I am starting to get really excited to live on my own. To know that on days when I get home tired and stressed out and wanting to be alone no one will be there unless I have invited them. I won't have to play nice with people I hardly know. I will know that I can cook in the kitchen when I am hungry. I will know that if I had food in the fridge it will still be there unless I ate it/threw it out. I can have a bath whenever the mood hits. I can sleep with my bedroom door open. I can clean on my own schedule and know that if there is a mess it is because I made it. I think it will be glorious.

Saturday Six

Things I am Grateful For

1. Drinks with Shannon & Lori-Ann last night

2. Getting through month end mostly unscathed

3. Long phone calls with B

4. Emails from my mom

5. Being able to keep my nails for as long as I have

6. Niki's help/support during my condo hunt

Between a Rock & a Hardplace

I'm not sure how to write about this. Even thinking about writing about this feels like a betrayal of sorts. So even though it may be obvious to some who I am talking about I am going to try as best I can to not be overly specific, to not name names or relationships. Because I think I need to write about this.

I have been trying very hard over the last couple of years to cut the negative out of my life. To walk away from those people who consistently make me feel badly about myself, from those people who belittle me or treat me without dignity and respect. To tell myself that I deserve people in my life who want only good things for me, who are willing to support me, who are positive influences.

But there is one person in my life that I don't think I can walk away from. Even though his screaming at me to fuck off and that he hates me and that he never wants to see me again cuts deeply. Even though his comments that I am fat and ugly, meant to be hilarious because in actuality I am neither fat nor ugly, hit all the right nerves every time because I have such issues with how I look. Even though he picks me and hangs me upside down or carries me bodily out of the room because he feels like it and I scream at him to stop, not because he is physically hurting me but because he is making me feel helpless and powerless.

I know that something is wrong with him. Emotionally, psychologically. Something is wrong. He is too angry too much of the time for there to be nothing wrong. And everytime I realize that I can do nothing to help him because he does not want my help, because my concern only serves to anger him further, another piece of my heart breaks. And everytime someone tells me not to take it personally, not to let him ruin my night or my self-confidence, because although his anger and rage might be directed at me it is not because of me, I wonder how they can make that distinction. I think of all the times he has been sweet and gentle and kind and I wonder where that boy goes and I wonder where all the anger comes from and I wish more than anything that there was something I could do.

But I can't keep being the target he lashes out at.

Moving to Calgary has brought some distance but it hasn't solved the problem, only made me feel like I am running away, hoping each time that I go back to Edmonton that things will be different. I know that if something is wrong I will feel overwhelmed by guilt for not knowing how to help, for not being strong enough to make him get help, for being selfish by looking out for my own fragile psyche and staying as much out of his way as possible. From todays vantage point it feels absolutely like a lose lose situation.

Saturday Six

Nice Things My Boss Said Yesterday

1. That she gets a lot of feedback about my work and it is always positive

2. That she sees me as her go to girl and knows that anything she asks of me will be done and done well.

3. That audits of my work all come back impeccable which means not only am I efficient I am also effective.

4. That my agents see me as a team player

5. That my agents know that even if I have to say no I will a)explain myself and b)try to provide an alternative solution

6. That I always come across as professional, even when having conversations that could easily go another way.

Project Buy Property

I think I was a little bit scared to come back to Edmonton last weekend. I knew that I had to have a big talk with my parents about exactly how much financial help they were willing and able to give me to get Project Buy Property up and running and I wasn't entirely sure how that would go. I knew that they were more than willing, I just wasn't entirely sure what that meant in real numbers and I felt guilty (feel guilty) that I was even asking this of them. (They offered, I asked, it all boils down to the same thing really) I tried to do a lot of budgeting and planning before I got here so that I could give them options and proof of what I was going to do to make things work but I just wasn't entirely sure how the conversation was going to go.

Thankfully better than expected. And then we met with 1 bank on Tuesday and I am officially pre-approved for a mortgage. Which was all kinds of scary and not scary at the same time. Because now I have to think about a fixed or floating mortgage and maybe talk to at least one other bank to see what kind of rate they will give me and ... really it is so many numbers my head is still spinning. But the lady at the bank said she thought that I was going about things very logically. Which made me wonder for a moment if she was entirely crazy because most of the time I feel like I have no idea what I am doing and like things are happening at warp speed and without my actually having time to think things through. (Which is maybe a good thing). Take the bank for example - I popped in on my lunch break to make an appointment for Thursday and they were all, well Thursday won't work but how does now sound? Can you pop in now? (OMG).

But there is a plan in place and it involves a 1 bedroom or a 1 bedroom +den and no roommate and a mortgage payment that is going to make my financial life more dreary than my sex life (is that even possible?) but I will have a home and it will be my own. And when I am not completely terrified I am actually rather excited.

Next stop: a meeting with my boss tomorrow to discuss the overtime hours I am going to start working.

#22. Make Seafood Crepes

And I actually made them this time, instead of just eating them.

For future reference here is the recipe:

Crepes
1 cup all purpose flour
2 eggs
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup water
1/4 tsp salt
2 tablespoons butter/margarine (soft/melted)

Place ingredients in blender in order given. Blend 30 seconds. Stop and stir down sides. Blend 30-60 seconds until smooth. Refrigerate ~ 1 hour. Makes about 16 crepes.
Note to self: Mom usually does 1.5 recipe. 1 cup milk and 1/2 cup water will make thinner crepes.

Filling:
In a frying pan saute butter, mushrooms, onion and celery.
In a large pot melt 1/4 cup butter, whisk in 1/2 cup flour & salt to make a roux. As thickens add: soup stock/milk/wine (~2-1/2 cups total liquid). Add generous amount of worchestershire sauce. Salt to taste. Add in saute mixture.
Cook shrimp, scallops, crab/other seafood in butter and lemon juice.
Add to pot until thick and bubbling.
Allow to cool and fill crepes.

So it is not an exact science but it sure is yummy.

There are no words

I think one of the worst feelings in the world is consciously realizing you have outgrown a friendship. Especially a friendship that means the world to you, a friendship that has held you together through so many storms and made you feel safe and whole and loved unconditionally. But I have realized over the last little while that because of all of those things I have come to have unrealistic expectations about that friendship. And I have to let those go. I am ok with letting those go. But I am also scared because I know that it means our friendship will never be what it once was. Maybe, given time, we will find a new rhythm, a new closeness, a level of intimacy that will actually work for the long run. But right now I think I need to step back, gain some perspective and move on without that kind voice offering words of encouragement, without those warm hands holding mine, without that unwavering belief in me pushing me forward. And that terrifies me. Even while I know that I can't keep using this friend as a crutch, that I can't keep the past level of intimacy without keeping the unrealistic expectations and the hurt that goes along with every realization that they are unrealistic. Even while I am propelled forward by this person, a part of me is held back, hoping that if I can recreate those perfect moments they will become an always reality. And that part of me needs to move forward. Even though I don't know what that actually means or will look like.

I find friendships/relationships confusing. I don't understand why some people are forever friends and some are friends for a moment and some are never truly friends. I don't understand why some friendships end with a blowout, some just fade away entirely, others fade in and out and still others are a comforting constant. But I found this blurb and while not entirely satisfying it does make me feel like I am not alone in the ups and downs of the people who make up my life.

The author is anonymous but the words ring true to me right now.

A Reason, A Season Or A Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a god-send, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, your desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real—but, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Saturday Six

Six of my Favorite TV Boyfriends

1. Greg from CSI - important to note that while I have a fondness for CSI Greg it is lab tech Greg that I truly love.

2. Luke from Gilmore Girls - but not asshat Luke from Season 6

3. Vaughn from Alias - can we say HOT

4. McDreamy/Dr Shepherd from Grey's Anatomy

5. Reid from Criminal Minds

6. Oz from Buffy

Don't be my Valentine

I've been trying to get my thoughts on Valentines Day in some sort of coherent order.

I wouldn't exactly say I am anti-Valentine but the day doesn't exactly inspire or thrill me either. Maybe it is fair to say that while I appreciate the concept I dislike the commercialization?

I don't like to talk about it a lot because I've gotten the whole "you're just bitter because you're single" response one too many times. And while I won't totally write that off as irrelevant, I also think that I would feel the same way if I was in a relationship. Proof being that the one year I was in a relationship I held my ground.

I think it is important to tell the person/people that you love how you feel. But I'm not entirely comfortable that we have a day that makes people feel like if they don't make some sort of grand gesture for their significant other then they're assholes. I don't like the radio and TV ads that make it all about men doing something big for their ladies. I don't think that not doing something on Valentines Day negates all of the sweet moments and memories you've created the rest of the year. And I don't like that single people feel excluded and/or herded into some singles night because clearly Valentines Day is the day you will meet someone as desperate as you are.

Is that cynical? Because I don't mean it to be. I am all about the romance and the prince charming and the white knight sweeping me off my feet. Just don't do it on Valentines Day. Or at the very least don't make me feel like you HAD to do it on Valentines Day.

When I was little my mom only worked part time. And every Valentines Day she would make seafood crepes and a rice dish and a special dessert and we would light candles and use the good china and eat in the dining room. I looked forward to that meal all year. We had gotten out of the habit but last year I was home around Valentines and I made a special request for crepes and this year I will be home and I actually get to help make the crepes. So I am pretty stoked about that. (See? Not entirely cold and heartless)

The bottom line is waaaaay down

This whole trying to buy property thing is really really really stressing me out.
Mostly because it is so much money. And I have so very little money. And I honestly crunched numbers and it is going to take a lot of sacrifice to make this work. A lot.
Like no more personal trainer twice a month. Like no travel at all this year or any other time that somehow relates to soon. Very little eating out. Little to no new clothes. My list could go on but it just serves to depress me more.

But I still feel committed to taking this step, I still feel like putting my money towards property I own is better than throwing the same amount of money at a landlord. I just hyperventilate every time I look at the bottom line.

I very definitely need a roommate.

And I am going to have to either a)work more hours at my current job or b)get a second part time job.

Consider 2008 forward all about the scrimping and the saving and the finding free/cheap ways to entertain myself.

I just really hope it is as worth it as I think it is going to be.

And that I can keep up the positive affirmations and the faith that the universe is going to help me achieve my goals in a (mostly) affordable manner if I just believe hard enough.

Saturday Six

Six Things I do that are apparently Not universal

1. At the gym - I put back what I take. If I take a ball from the main weight room, I return it to the main weight room.

2. In public washrooms - I make sure the toilet has flushed prior to leaving the stall

3. I check my bank statements/balances. I always have a fairly good idea as to how much money is in my account at any given time and what I am expecting to come out of my account in any given time frame. I go over everything with a fine tooth comb once every two weeks when I get paid just to make sure nothing out of the ordinary is going on.

4. I update my address when I move.

5. I turn off my alarm clock, especially if I am not going to be in my own bed the next time it is set to go off.

6. I tell people who might be concerned (roommates, parents) if I am going to be gone for an extended period of time.

Moving on (again)

I'm in the middle of a freakout. Or rather, I was in the middle of a freakout. I am (I think) currently in the calm post decision pre storm.

So a couple entries back I made a (very) brief reference to the fact that Chels (my roomie) and I had had a discussion about our living situation. It went something like this:
Me - Are you planning on selling this place and moving in with your boyfriend?
Her - Nope. If we do move in together I'll keep this place as a rental. Feel free to plan to stay as long as you want.

This was barely two weeks ago. Fast forward to last night.
Her - So remember how I told you I wasn't moving in with the boy and selling this place? I'm moving in with the boy and selling this place.

Huh. Awesome.

And it's not that I don't understand or think that it is the best decision for her. But I am really tired of moving. And I am even more tired of moving because other people say I have to. And I would really really like to live somewhere for more than 6 months.

So I think that I am going to buy. Hence the freak out. Because the I think I am going to buy is more like I am 99.9% sure I am going to buy and yes it really is the best decision but holy crap I arrived at it over night and I have to buy a place by May 1 instead of leisurely taking my time over the fall of 2008 as I had planned. (I had also planned to be married and have 2.5 kids by the time I was 25. Sometimes shit happens.)

I'm going to have to find a roommate obviously. And my parents are on board financially otherwise I could never pull it off in this economy. And I have the option to buy this place, which would be nice because I really like the area and the layout of the condo and I wouldn't have to move everything, but I am going to try and look at 3 other places (maybe more) over the weekend just to see. And then my dad and I will have to sit down and meet with the bank and start putting all the paperwork together ... but I can't think that far ahead (2 weeks) because I start to hyperventilate a little.

It makes sense to do this now though. Because I do want to buy in the near future anyways and I don't want to move now (AGAIN) and move in the fall (AGAIN) and with a roommate my mortgage payment will be the equivalent or very close to the rent I would pay to live on my own. So if I am going to be house poor I would rather actually own a house.

But it is a HUGE step and one I am not entirely sure I am ready for. I feel guilty that I am asking my parents for so much money, even though they are offering, even though my dad told me not to even take that into consideration. I almost burst into tears when he said that they would do what they had to to make sure I got what was best for me. I am not sure I deserve that, especially not in such a large monetary sum. And I guess it just feels weird to be taking this step on my own. I had always envisioned buying my first home with the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Never once did it occur to me that I might still be single, that I would have to search for a roommate, that it would be all me, all the time, all alone. The ideal that I should be taking this step with someone else is a hard one to let go of. But I don't have a lot of options and I certainly can't let not having a man in my life keep me from making the best decision for me in this moment.

And so it goes.

Loud voices I Wish I could silence once and for all.

You told me that it was ok if I said no, but you would break up with me. You broke up with me anyways.

You told me out of 10 you would give me a 6 and that would be generous of you because you would take my great personality into account.

You told me you didn't want to wreck our friendship. You didn't want to date long distance. You followed up by dating 3 girls who lived farther away than I did. I'm glad I kept your jacket.

You told me I had one physical flaw you couldn't get over, that all your friends thought I was ugly, and you had to go with group opinion on that one.

You made mean comments about my nose everytime you saw me. Did you think I needed your help to hate the way I looked?

You disappeared from my life and then randomly called me 4 months later to tell me how guilty you felt for dating a girl you didn't really like to prove to your friends that you could have a long term relationship.

You told me we could have sex but you would be thinking about my best friend.

You told me lie after lie after sweet little lie and I desperately wanted to believe you.

You told me you just wanted to be friends, you didn't want to date anyone. 3 weeks later you cried on my shoulder about the girl you really wanted to date who would have nothing to do with you.

You slept in my bed, we talked about hanging out in the future, then you told everyone it was weird that I had followed up with a phone call.

40 Days of No Excuses for Not Exercising

I realized yesterday that with Easter being so early this year, Lent starts next week. Now I am the first to admit that I am not a very good Catholic. I don't go to church regularly, I don't agree with a lot of the church teachings, and I feel like there should be a third point to round things out but I don't have one. But I do have faith, whether it fits nicely in with an organized religion or not. Mostly not. And Catholicism is the way I was brought up to express that faith. And I guess whatever failings I might find with the church itself there are still some aspects that I like, there are times of the year that bring back very strong memories associated with being in a church, and there are rituals that are very much a part of who I am.

The first thing I did this morning was pull out the pancake recipe that I found online some weeks ago. Because I am bound and determined that there will be pancakes this Tuesday so I had to make sure I picked up anything I needed at the grocery store. I am not sure why the pancakes are so important to me this year. It's certainly not anything my family has made a regular habit of doing, but I remember last year really wanting pancakes and when I realized it was going to be Lent I really wanted pancakes, therefore pancakes will be had.

Then I started thinking about what I should give up for Lent. Lots of people give up chocolate or fast food or desserts ... but for the most part I am already mostly cutting those out of my life so that didn't work. But this morning at the gym, after more than a week of sloth (meaning no gym/exercise) it hit me. Instead of giving something up I am going to take something on. So starting Wednesday it will be 40 days of No Excuses for Not Exercising. Obviously there may have to be some excuses - if I get injured or viciously ill or have a migraine like I did last Wednesday. But no wimp-ass "I'm tired" or "I worked late" or "I'm in a bad mood". Because you know what? as soon as I get there the exercise takes all those excuses and kicks them to the curb and I am always glad that I made myself go. Getting through the door is 90% of the battle and it is always worth it. For my good health.