Trying

Every time I sit and stare at this blank page I think about how hard it is to start again. I think about how many thoughts and feelings and ideas I have to fill up this space, about which blip of conciousness I am going to choose to share, about how many moments I choose not to share. I think about how much easier it seems to close the window and make this blank page go away.

I have learned, over and over again it seems, that shutting my eyes and pretending doesn't freeze time, doesn't make the pain less painful, doesn't make the happy less joyous, doesn't mean things won't change. I am still learning this, still blindly hoping that the good moments will freeze and the bad ones will fast forward on by ... all the while acknowledging that without those bad moments I would not have grown, would not be the person that I am becoming.

I think in some ways I have always felt a little bit like expressing myself here was a bit of a cop-out, a way of avoiding expressing myself in person. I didn't (and don't) want anyone that I care about reading something here and thinking "I really wish she would have told me that she felt that way". I don't want this to be the crutch I use when I am too scared or nervous to say something face to face. That being said, I don't want to feel like I shouldn't write because I am scared that what my stream of conciousness brings to the paper will be a major revelation. I am going to work on trying to balance those two extremes.

I have been thinking a lot about friendships lately. About why some people stay in my life and why some people fade into the background, about why some friendships are ok with long gaps of not talking and others need daily attention, about how some people know me on a deep level and others know me on a totally superficial one and how sometimes it seems totally backwards that the people who know me deeply (or have the potential to know me deeply)are who they are.

I have been re-connecting with people from my past over the last month or so and that has left me pondering how much I have really changed over the last 10 or so years. I know that I have changed, I know that I am not the same person that I was when I went to camp or when I spent time in University courses with these people. But I am starting to think that it is not so much that I have changed on a fundamental level but that I have changed in how I express those values and ideals that I have always had. I guess what I mean is that the core of who I am is not different, but my level of acceptance of myself and my ability to stay true to myself has changed. I am less likely (although it is not out of the realm of possibility) to do something or say something just to fit in. I am trying to mean what I say and say what I mean. With an emphasis on the trying.

There are no words

I think one of the worst feelings in the world is consciously realizing you have outgrown a friendship. Especially a friendship that means the world to you, a friendship that has held you together through so many storms and made you feel safe and whole and loved unconditionally. But I have realized over the last little while that because of all of those things I have come to have unrealistic expectations about that friendship. And I have to let those go. I am ok with letting those go. But I am also scared because I know that it means our friendship will never be what it once was. Maybe, given time, we will find a new rhythm, a new closeness, a level of intimacy that will actually work for the long run. But right now I think I need to step back, gain some perspective and move on without that kind voice offering words of encouragement, without those warm hands holding mine, without that unwavering belief in me pushing me forward. And that terrifies me. Even while I know that I can't keep using this friend as a crutch, that I can't keep the past level of intimacy without keeping the unrealistic expectations and the hurt that goes along with every realization that they are unrealistic. Even while I am propelled forward by this person, a part of me is held back, hoping that if I can recreate those perfect moments they will become an always reality. And that part of me needs to move forward. Even though I don't know what that actually means or will look like.

I find friendships/relationships confusing. I don't understand why some people are forever friends and some are friends for a moment and some are never truly friends. I don't understand why some friendships end with a blowout, some just fade away entirely, others fade in and out and still others are a comforting constant. But I found this blurb and while not entirely satisfying it does make me feel like I am not alone in the ups and downs of the people who make up my life.

The author is anonymous but the words ring true to me right now.

A Reason, A Season Or A Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a god-send, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, your desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real—but, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.