Fantasy vs Reality

I haven't been able to tell B why I am ... I am not even sure if I can articulate exactly what I am feeling ... why I am scared? nervous? stressed? ... about our high school reunion.

I can tell her parts of what is going on in my head, that I am worried about being judged - on who I am now, on who I was back then. That I feel pressure to look my best and think of interesting things to say and put on a worthy performance. Which is crazy because, for the most part, the people I care about from high school are people I see and they know and love me for who I am and all those other people don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. And yet, in some ways, I am hell bent on impressing them and I am in a head space where I am not even impressing myself so it seems like a mission destined for failure.

I think it is June that does it to me. My birthday is a reminder that I am not where I said I would be when I got here. And even though I am happy - I love my job, I love my condo, I am making new friends and enjoying time with old - I still want those things I have always wanted, that seem at times like I will never be good enough to get. I wonder why I don't have them, what I did wrong, what I am doing wrong. I wonder if I will ever be able to accept myself as I am and be appreciative of what I have instead of condemning myself for what I don't.

Our reunion is a week away and it is another reminder that I am not where I thought I would be.

But the real story, the one I haven't been able to talk to B about, is that all through my teens I swore that at my high school reunion I would prove a point. I would show all those people who were mean to me in jr high because my mom didn't give them the grade they thought they deserved or my mom was strict with them or because I was smart or whatever other logic jr high meanness has behind it, that I was someone. I would be stunningly beautiful and married to someone who obviously adored me and we would have beautiful children and in my spare time I would have done something wildly successful and ... Of course there was one boy in particular that this was directed at, a boy who I was crazy in love with in the way that only 12 year old girls can be crazy in love. A boy who tormented me and rocked my self esteem to its very core. A boy who would be fat and ugly and gross at our reunion and who would beg for a moment of my attention and I would stare haughtily down at him and walk away. A boy who is not currently fat or ugly or gross. Which is kind of fitting since I am none of the things I swore I would be either. And even though it doesn't matter anymore, it is still a reminder that I thought/hoped my life would be different.

I can look honestly at my life and say that I am glad I am where I am, but that doesn't mean I don't feel disappointment that the life I thought I wanted was all just a fantasy.

Saturday Six

On Sunday ... cause I'm a day late and a dollar short ...

Inspired by the couples I was hanging out with last night and their insistence that I date a boy I am not in the least attracted to simply because he is nice and has a pile of money.

Things I am looking for in a boy I might consider dating

1. He should be single. Really, truly, actually single. As in no girlfriend. No wife. No girl he is a)sleeping with consistently or b)actively pursuing but willing to settle for me in the meanwhile.

2. He should be someone I find attractive - for whatever reason he should peak my interest. If this is not immediate, he should be someone I see often enough that his less obvious charms become evident.

3. He should be interested in his own good health, preferably physically active, and not because I pressure him into a gym membership/otherwise force him to take an interest.

4. He should be someone I can have an intelligent conversation with, not a genius necessarily but someone who can hold his own, and have opinions and not think that he has to agree with every word that comes out of my mouth.

5. He should challenge me - whether to try new things or think about old things in a different way.

6. He should be someone that I have fun with and who makes me laugh.

If a = b and b = c then a must = c. right?

I would pay good money for a boy-decoder ring.

I wish that my "I'm not sure what to think" default wasn't set to probably an asshole.

I wish that I wasn't so broken, so trained to believe that any boy I might be interested will a)turn out to have a girlfriend/like someone else and b)lie to me about it.

I am tired of being told by boys that have girlfriends that if they didn't have girlfriends they would totally date me and that they don't know why the single boys aren't lining up at my feet. Because when those boys are single - surprise! - they don't want to date me either.

I am tired of being told to think positive, that I will find love when I least expect it, that my turn is coming, that I should stop looking.

I am tired of being single, of wondering why I am single, of being scared of what life would be like if I wasn't single.

There is this boy at the gym and I think he is super cute and I think that he flirts with me/might be interested but I have NO idea how to get past the idle chit chat, how are you? stage.
Part of my issue is that he is not just some random guy at the gym he is one of the guys that works at the gym and that I have to interact with to get passes to my class and skipping ropes and other things from so I am scared that if I do anything too obvious and I have totally been reading him wrong then it will make me not want to go to the gym. Which would be bad on so many levels.

But mostly I am just not sure if he is actually flirting with me or just a friendly guy or I just desperately want someone to notice me so I am making up that he does.

Here's the story ... I had kind of noticed him around once in a while. And then I started going to a spin class on Saturday mornings and we started to have to get passes because it is a popular class. The first Saturday we need a pass I show up and he is handing them out but I forgot to bring something to exchange for the pass. He tells me I need collateral and I say "crap" or something along those lines because I am later than I would like and now have to go back to my locker on the other side of the gym. He says sorry and I say no, I knew I needed that, I'll be right back. When I get back he tells me he was saving a card for me. And then after class, before I even hand him my card (they're numbered) he says "Number 12! I remember!" And at that moment I realize that I think he is cute and am thereafter totally tonguetied and moronic around him.

So I pretty much see him every Saturday I am in Calgary and we make the abovementioned idle chit chat and now I also see him almost every other time I am at the gym and I am pretty sure ... not that he stares at me ... but he notices when I am around. And there is the odd wave or nod of acknowledgement when one or both of us is busy and we can't really say hey. And then a couple of weeks ago I saw him as I was leaving the weight room and he says "how's it going" and I say "good" and he says "I haven't seen you in a while. Well, I've seen you, but I haven't talked to you." which I followed up with a really lame comment that doesn't bear repeating and went on my merry way.

I finally got up the courage to introduce myself last Wednesday, after many pep talks from my girls and many false starts on my part. I think I flustered him a little, he blushed at any rate. I saw him again today and he said "hey, how's it going" and I said "good!" and then he frowned and knew he got my name wrong but was close. And part of me wants to think he tried to remember my name and that's a good thing. But the part of me that defaults to asshole thinks that he didn't remember my name even if he was close. And the very tired part of me thinks this shouldn't be this hard. Ironically, if it wasn't this hard I would probably have lost interest by now.

Saturday Six

Six of my Favorite TV Boyfriends

1. Greg from CSI - important to note that while I have a fondness for CSI Greg it is lab tech Greg that I truly love.

2. Luke from Gilmore Girls - but not asshat Luke from Season 6

3. Vaughn from Alias - can we say HOT

4. McDreamy/Dr Shepherd from Grey's Anatomy

5. Reid from Criminal Minds

6. Oz from Buffy

Loud voices I Wish I could silence once and for all.

You told me that it was ok if I said no, but you would break up with me. You broke up with me anyways.

You told me out of 10 you would give me a 6 and that would be generous of you because you would take my great personality into account.

You told me you didn't want to wreck our friendship. You didn't want to date long distance. You followed up by dating 3 girls who lived farther away than I did. I'm glad I kept your jacket.

You told me I had one physical flaw you couldn't get over, that all your friends thought I was ugly, and you had to go with group opinion on that one.

You made mean comments about my nose everytime you saw me. Did you think I needed your help to hate the way I looked?

You disappeared from my life and then randomly called me 4 months later to tell me how guilty you felt for dating a girl you didn't really like to prove to your friends that you could have a long term relationship.

You told me we could have sex but you would be thinking about my best friend.

You told me lie after lie after sweet little lie and I desperately wanted to believe you.

You told me you just wanted to be friends, you didn't want to date anyone. 3 weeks later you cried on my shoulder about the girl you really wanted to date who would have nothing to do with you.

You slept in my bed, we talked about hanging out in the future, then you told everyone it was weird that I had followed up with a phone call.