Girls

I just got home from watching Sex & the City with my best girl B.

It made me think about a lot of things, not the least of which is that I have been living in my own head way too often these last few months and I need to push myself to get it out somewhere even if it is in half formed sentences and incoherent thoughts, even if it does make people realize that I have moments of incredible insecurity and am sometimes neurotic. I think most people who know me are already aware of both those things. Because living in my head makes what is in reality very small and insignificant seem larger than life and tremendously scary. So maybe if I talk about it the dragons in my head and the monsters in my closet will shrink down to a reasonable size.

But that is not what this post is about.

Watching Carrie and her girls on the big screen made me think about my girls. Women really. And the myriad ways in which they have touched my life, have shaped who I have become, have given me images of where and who I want to be. They come in many different packages, have many different titles - my sisters, my trio of trouble, my breakfast buddy, my smart and beautiful girls -, and bring many different things to my life. But what they all have in common is that they inspire me on a daily basis.

I am truly blessed to have so many women in my life who love me despite (or perhaps because of) my quirks and many failings. Who have seen me at my best and at my worst. Who have tried to save me from myself, and failing that, stuck around to put me back together when I finally pulled my head out of the sand. They have danced, sang, laughed and cried with me. They have let me share their special moments and have had a hand in creating many of mine.

I may want a man in my life, but I NEED my girls. At different times and in different ways but also at all times and in all ways.

Stepping Stones

I'm feeling a bit more on an even keel today. Still a little scared, still a little stressed, but more confident that I will be able to handle things. I think all I needed was a good nights sleep, a few deep breaths and a little perspective. I think it was the right decision not to make an offer yesterday.

Surprisingly, the person who has helped me calm down and rationalize the most is my mother. I know. No one is more shocked than I am. But everytime I have felt like things were getting out of control she has been the voice of reason, she has somehow said all the right things to make me step back and confirm that this is what I want. Last night she told me (and I am paraphrasing here) that people could say what they wanted and I could take or leave their advice but the most important thing was for me to have enough confidence that I was capable of making the best decision possible. And she is right. Even though I am scared that I might make a mistake, it will not be a mistake I can't recover from. I am not going to pay too much for my place. I am not going to buy a lemon. I know what my finances are like and what I can afford and what I have to do to make it work. And if the bottom of the market falls out, well, I am not going to be alone in that experience. All I can do is gather as much information and make as informed a decision as possible. As a Smart & Beautiful Girl(tm) I am more than qualified to take this step. More importantly I am ready to take this step.

I know that I don't love the place I am thinking about putting an offer on. But I do like it. I can see that it has potential with a little paint and my own personal touches. It is somewhere I will be able to afford and it is somewhere I think I will be happy for the next 2 to 5 years (Thanks Karen). It is not my dream house, but, as I have said before and as I may have to keep reminding myself, it is a stepping stone to get there.

I am going to look at a few more places on Thursday, just to make sure that there isn't something that meets all my qualifications that I do LOVE the minute I walk in the door. Depending what I find we'll take it step by step from there.