Things: A Meme

There is this meme floating around on Facebook but I decided to do it here because Facebook is not exactly the place I go to share my deepest thoughts and secrets. It is a place where I share bits and pieces of my life but not necessarily the big stuff, the real stuff. You know?
So I have seen a few examples and it is unclear just how many things you are supposed to share, some say 10, some are 19, some are 25 ... I guess I am just going to share until I get tired and that will be how many things you will have learned about me today.

1. My name means friend. My parents chose it because Friend was my mom's last name and there were only daughters in her family. I try to emulate my name and what it means to be a part of that family. I am not sure I always do a good job, or that trying is enough. But there it is.

2. I lost 3 of the people I loved most in the world in 2008. I thought that losing those people would kill me. But I am still here. Taking things day by day, trying to put my pieces back together. A numb shell of my former self. I am not sure anyone notices the difference.

3. I keep telling myself that despite what I lost, despite that void feeling so very huge and black and despairing, there are good things in my life. And I know that this is true. There are things and people that I love. There are moments of happiness, however fleeting. There are things like New Orleans and Vegas and a summer wedding to look forward to. There are reasons to wake up and get through the day. And so I do.

4. I have a recurring dream where I have lost something and I am crying and searching desperately to find it. Do you know how it feels to wake up and realize that what you lost was something that you never actually had?

5. I often overthink things. I often feel guilty about things over which I have no control. I remember in great detail times when I have hurt people in the past and I wish that my actions had never caused those people pain. I know that in life it is impossible not to hurt people but I wish it was easier to always treat people excellently while treating yourself excellently as well.

6. I caved in to peer pressure and tried online dating. I guess technically I am still trying it since I haven't taken my profile down. But I haven't really enjoyed the experience. I'm not really interested in IMing someone I hardly know, I feel like I don't have enough time (or energy to make time) for the people who are important to me so why would I want to waste any of that precious time on a guy who can barely construct a sentence let alone spell half the words in said sentence. And then when I meet them - there was the guy who lied about who he was, the guy with the dead grandma, the guy who made me feel like if I misrepresented myself even just a little bit he would leave me on a street corner. Seriously. Not my thing at the moment.

7. Loud noises scare me and make me uncomfortable. My mom likes to tell the story about how she would call out the window to my dad and she would have to raise her voice so he could hear her over the lawnmower and this would inevitably lead to me sobbing uncontrollably. Despite being uncomfortable, I am friends with a lot of loud people.

8. I am terrified of caterpillars. I am convinced that one day I will be sitting under a tree, minding my own business and a caterpillar will fall on my head and crawl in my hair. This might be irrational. But I try not to sit under trees just in case.

9. I am terrified of needles. But my friend Simone convinced me to donate blood on her behalf while she was pregnant and now I try to do so on a regular basis. Even though I know it is not so bad or so scary in real life I am still nervous every time. I miss being able to go with Simone and her family and having someone there to hold my hand.

10. I am usually very good at remembering faces and usually names. I almost always assume that the people I recognize will not remember me.

11. I have issues with commitment. I think it is because I am scared that if I let someone get too close they will eventually figure out something horrible about me and decide that they can't be friends with me because of it. I have yet to figure out what that horrible thing is. My alternate explanation for my commitment phobia is that I am convinced, based on past experiences, that anyone I let get close will eventually find someone better than me and they will leave.

12. I am struggling to find balance and peace in my life. I know that writing more would make me feel better but I also know that putting my thoughts and feelings into words will make them real.

Saturday Six

Reasons it is hard to live away

1. Miss my family

2. Miss having people I know and who know me around

3. Miss important events like births and birthdays and baptisms

4. When my mom does something like break her arm I am not around to help out

5. Worrying about my Baba and not being around to help out with her

6. The above mentioned people miss important events in my life

Reasons I like living in Calgary

1. Better relationship with my parents

2. Love my job

3. Meeting new people

4. Testing my limits

5. Learning who I am outside of the group

6. Good friends like Niki & Simone & Crystal & Shannon

Saturday Six

On Sunday ... cause I'm a day late and a dollar short ...

Inspired by the couples I was hanging out with last night and their insistence that I date a boy I am not in the least attracted to simply because he is nice and has a pile of money.

Things I am looking for in a boy I might consider dating

1. He should be single. Really, truly, actually single. As in no girlfriend. No wife. No girl he is a)sleeping with consistently or b)actively pursuing but willing to settle for me in the meanwhile.

2. He should be someone I find attractive - for whatever reason he should peak my interest. If this is not immediate, he should be someone I see often enough that his less obvious charms become evident.

3. He should be interested in his own good health, preferably physically active, and not because I pressure him into a gym membership/otherwise force him to take an interest.

4. He should be someone I can have an intelligent conversation with, not a genius necessarily but someone who can hold his own, and have opinions and not think that he has to agree with every word that comes out of my mouth.

5. He should challenge me - whether to try new things or think about old things in a different way.

6. He should be someone that I have fun with and who makes me laugh.

Saturday Six

Things that made me happy this week

1. Late night chatting with Niki
2. Late night hanging out with Simone/Tyler/Erik
3. Long phone call with Melly
4. Long phone call with Erica
5. Home deal being finalized
6. FINALLY introducing myself to the cute boy at the gym

#7. Save for/buy property – conditional as of March 7, 2008

I conditionally own property!! And once I officially own property I will provide a few more details of said property. Pictures to follow if I a)buy a camera before I move in or b) (more likely) borrow my parents camera.

It is exciting and nervewracking and stressful and a whole lot of emotions all at once. Mostly good. But there is so much to do before the end of Friday that I am not sure how it is all going to come together in time. I have to call my investor to release my personal RRSP money and fill out a form to send away for my work RRSP money and talk to the bank to find out if the drop in interest rates changes anything or if my dad has to make a decision about loaning me a little bit more money or co-signing. I have to arrange for my inspection - which seems silly for a 600 sq ft condo built in 2006 but I know a guy and it is free so why the heck not. I have to meet with the people who are going to review my condo documents to make sure there is nothing funky up front that I need to know about. Plus working, working overtime, and um maybe some more overtime so that when I start hemmoraging money like there is no tomorrow there will actually be said money in my bank account.

The thought of everything I have to spend money on now is keeping me awake at night. So I am going to make a bit of a list right now in the hopes that once it is officially written somewhere my brain will turn off and let me sleep. (ha ha ha) There are lawyers fees and the cost of the condo review and possibly a repayment of taxes if the guy who currently lives there paid in advance. I need to paint so there will be the cost of paint etc. I need living room furniture (which I think I am buying 2nd hand and have mostly under control). A toaster and a kettle. And silverware. A vaccuum. And possibly a million other odds and ends, so I am really wishing I remembered exactly what is in the boxes I have packed up at my parents. Some of it is not going to be urgent purchases but there is enough that needs to be bought in the fairly immediate future that I am feeling slightly panicked and also unreasonably wanting to spend money on frivolous things. (Shopping calms my nerves. I am trying to find something free to calm my nerves and in the meantime beating down the urge to spend money unnecessarily.)

I think once the hectic and the money spending is over (I know the money spending will never actually end but the initial outpouring will slow to a trickle) I will be really excited. I'm in a great area of town, I really like the place I bought and I am SO excited to live on my own as previously mentioned. A little (or a lot) of financial frugality never killed anyone. Did it?

Saturday Six

Food Related

1. I first tried Apricot Stilton cheese when I was in England almost 5 (OMG) years ago and fell madly in love. I have searched every grocery store I have ever been in since and have failed to find it in Canada. But Thursday I got a hot tip that they sell it at Sunterra and there is now a hunk of delectable yumminess in my fridge. It was better than I remembered.

2. I always thought that the bagel switch on toasters was to widen the toaster slots so the bagel would fit better. Apparently it actually turns off the heat on one side so you only toast the front of the bagel. I prefer my bagels toasted on both sides.

3. Shopping for yogourt stresses me out. I don't want aspartame and I don't want too much artificial sugar but the label doesn't indicate how much sugar is artificial vs natural and ... and I try to eat yogourt every day so finding one that meets all of my requirements and is not uber-expensive would be a really good thing.

4. I don't like yogourt with fruit on the bottom

5. I am starting to really enjoy onions. Even raw. I think the world may be close to ending.

6. I love wraps. I think you could put almost anything in a wrap and it would be fabulous. Yesterday I had a flatbread wrap with hummous, artichoke, olive, fresh veggies and feta. I could have died happy after that meal.

Saturday Six

Nice Things My Boss Said Yesterday

1. That she gets a lot of feedback about my work and it is always positive

2. That she sees me as her go to girl and knows that anything she asks of me will be done and done well.

3. That audits of my work all come back impeccable which means not only am I efficient I am also effective.

4. That my agents see me as a team player

5. That my agents know that even if I have to say no I will a)explain myself and b)try to provide an alternative solution

6. That I always come across as professional, even when having conversations that could easily go another way.

Saturday Six

Six of my Favorite TV Boyfriends

1. Greg from CSI - important to note that while I have a fondness for CSI Greg it is lab tech Greg that I truly love.

2. Luke from Gilmore Girls - but not asshat Luke from Season 6

3. Vaughn from Alias - can we say HOT

4. McDreamy/Dr Shepherd from Grey's Anatomy

5. Reid from Criminal Minds

6. Oz from Buffy

Saturday Six

Six Things I do that are apparently Not universal

1. At the gym - I put back what I take. If I take a ball from the main weight room, I return it to the main weight room.

2. In public washrooms - I make sure the toilet has flushed prior to leaving the stall

3. I check my bank statements/balances. I always have a fairly good idea as to how much money is in my account at any given time and what I am expecting to come out of my account in any given time frame. I go over everything with a fine tooth comb once every two weeks when I get paid just to make sure nothing out of the ordinary is going on.

4. I update my address when I move.

5. I turn off my alarm clock, especially if I am not going to be in my own bed the next time it is set to go off.

6. I tell people who might be concerned (roommates, parents) if I am going to be gone for an extended period of time.