#94. Dentist in Calgary

I have had the same dentist for as long as I can remember. He is a friend of my uncle's from highschool. They played football together and when I was younger he would always tell me that I was braver and tougher than any football player he knew. I had to go through a lot of dental work in order to make my adult teeth fit in my very small mouth. You may not know this about me, but I am actually short 4 teeth.

When I saw him last spring he told me I should see a dentist in Calgary post haste because he thought I might be starting to grind my teeth. And then I chipped one of my front teeth in Mexico and I thought about seeing someone about that ... but somehow a whole year had passed since my last checkup and I hadn't managed to make time to find anybody here. So when I got the reminder call that I was due for an appointment I spurred myself into high gear.

My new dentist seems nice enough but he is no Dr S. Plus I kind of hold it against him that he managed to find 5 cavities on my first visit. Even though I know they have probably been there awhile, and should probably hold it against Dr S for not finding them one at a time. Loyalty is funny like that. Apparently he only found them due to new laser technology - I guess the old technique, wherein the dentist poked the top of your molars with a pointy instrument and if the point went through a soft spot it meant you had a cavity (I am so scientific), was no longer effective as everyone has much stronger tooth enamel these days. So my new dentist has this laser that they hover over your teeth and it emits a reading (0-99) and a high pitched squeal when it senses decay. It went pretty crazy in my mouth.

I have never had a cavity in my life so to go from 0-5 in a matter of moments was pretty shocking. And filled me with dread. Because the thought of having to hold my very small mouth open wide for over an hour while it was filled with a ton of instruments was enough to make me want to gag. The reality was not a lot better than the horror scene in my imagination. They have some spit sucking machine that helps to prop your mouth open while holding back your cheek and tongue ... I am sure that is the only way my mouth stayed open as long as needed. But it didn't stop my jaw from spasming. And they only did one side, so I get to go through this joyous experience all over again in about 2 weeks time.

And seriously, the freezing. I was trying to concentrate on breathing slowly through my nose and on not panicking and part way through the procedure I noticed that the right side of my nose (the side that was frozen) didn't feel like it was breathing properly, which did not help to ease me away from my proximity to hyperventilation. It was only as the freezing started to wear off that I realized that was because my nostril was also frozen. It was also the oddest experience to be able to see all of these instruments being passed around and knowing that they are in my mouth and being able to hear them but not actually being able to feel them. Talk about sensory overload.

Suffice to say that I am determined to never ever ever have another cavity for as long as I live, amen. Which means it is a good thing that I have also accomplished #87 on my list - 30 consecutive days of nightly teeth brushing. (I've heard that if you can do something 30 times in a row it starts to become a habit. AND I even managed to continue my new good habit outside of my normal environment and in an environment - my parents - at which I habitually relax my standards.) I was so lax in my night time routine, often so tired by the time I was getting into bed that it was so much easier to just crawl into bed and think I would just make up those 2 minutes in the morning. I have also added flossing and a mouth rinse. Lazy about my oral health no more.

Happiness

I've been thinking lately about what it means to be happy. Because I think that I am happy. And I want to qualify what is making me happy, as if I think that I could put these moments in a bottle and open it up at a later date to recreate this feeling of contentment.

There are things that are stressors in my life but they are by far overshadowed by the things that seem to be going well lately, by the feeling that I am starting to belong somewhere, by the occasional whisper of my psyche saying "yes! yes! life is good!". It has been a long time since I have been happy. Over the last year and a half I have been happier. But the way I feel right now - this is different. And I am scared that it will be fleeting and that I can't make it last. Part of me knows that I just have to enjoy this time for what it is, and believe that things will keep going well for me, that I will be able to handle anything that threatens to mar my happiness, that on days when I struggle there will be people there to help me through.

Part of me feels guilty for being so happy. Because what have I done to deserve this? Why are blessings befalling me while others are having a harder time? And then I think about the hard times (real or imagined) that I have so recently left behind and I convince myself again to just enjoy this time. To revel in the fact that walking through the door of my condo is enough to make me smile, that laughing and smiling in general comes much easier these days.

I think about all I have to look forward to in the next few months and I think that I am happy and I think that I shouldn't analyze how or why or when I should just smile and thank God for these moments.

Dreamtime

I have two recurring dreams that are (or should be) a sign that I am stressed out.

The first hasn't really made an appearance for a while. In it I either wake up and realize that I have slept in or I am in the middle of doing something and realize that I am late for an exam/handing in a big project that is due. I also realize that I haven't done any of the course assignments, haven't been to class in weeks, haven't read the course work, meant to drop the class before the drop class deadline but totally spaced out on actually dropping the course and now I have to walk in late for an exam that I am not at all prepared for/hand in a project that is totally unresearched and incomplete. I wake up panicked and flustered and it takes several moments of deep breathing to realize that I haven't been in school for almost 4 years now, that I did in fact drop all my classes 4 years ago, that I have no exam that I am late for, no project that I haven't researched.

The second dream is the one I have had most lately. I don't remember the dream so much as my actual waking moments after the dream. I am always searching for something I have lost. And the feeling of having lost something is so strong and so real that I am often on my feet out of bed digging in a drawer or peering under a shelf before I realize that I don't own/gave away a long time ago/never had what I am looking for. It used to be my retainer, sometimes it is something non-descript - a book, a key, lately it is a wedding band or an engagement ring (I wake up rubbing my left ring finger and panicking because there is no return caress of cold metal).

Is that weird? Do any of you have recurring/stress related dreams?

One Week

It has been a week today since I have been in my very own home. I still don't think it has entirely sunk in yet. I have had many moments of realizing that I live here and I own this place and it is mine to do what I want in and every time it feels like a new realization. I still feel like at any moment now someone is going to wake me from a very good dream. But that isn't going to happen. This isn't a dream.

I am loving living on my own. I am loving that this whole space is a reflection of my tastes, of my hard work. I am loving that I can come home at night and no one has touched my stuff, no one is in the kitchen or the bathroom or doing laundry when I want to be, everything is exactly how I left it when I went to work in the morning. I don't have to feel guilty about leaving something out or not cleaning up right away. I don't have to rush through my meal prep or my laundry so that someone else can use the space. I can do what I want when I want. Or not. It is awesome.

I knew that I was stressed about my living situation but I had no idea how stressed until suddenly that stress wasn't there.

It was a lot of work to get to this point. I got possession last Tuesday and there were more than a few moments when I wondered if I had made the biggest mistake of my life. My realtor and I had access just prior to possession to do a walk through and make sure nothing was majorly wrong, that all the appliances worked etc. The seller was supposed to have vacated the premises and surrendered all his keys to the building. Part way through the walk through he showed up, still having a set of keys. He had just happened to be in the neighbourhood and noticed that the lights were on so he figured he had better check it out - and he wasn't giving up his keys until his money was in his pocket (creepy!). Needless to say my first phone call was to a locksmith. I couldn't do anything about the main doors but I could certainly make sure he wouldn't have access to my suite. My realtor (and his) were both appalled and advised that in all their years of selling homes this had never happened.

Creepy Old Guy also felt it appropriate to share that he was moving to the Phillipines (might it have something to do with the on-line dating printouts of younger women he left lying around when we did our initial home inspection? My realtor and I have money on him having found some child mail order bride. Also creepy.) And then he tried to tell me that he had the living room carpets cleaned (not so much). He felt bad for two reasons - one, because he didn't think they had done a very good job (Because they didn't show up!) and two, because he didn't realize that he should also have had the bedroom carpet done - he had never opened the curtains so he didn't realize they were dirty, but that black spot right there? that was from his feet. (Creepiest) Needless to say, I was very glad that I had arranged with a co-worker to borrow her steamcleaner.

I knew that I would want to do my own cleaning before painting/moving in. In the back of my mind I think I realized that it wasn't like moving into an apartment where they are pretty much cleaned before you move in (although not so much in the place B and I lived together). But I had no thoughts that Creepy Old Guy would not have cleaned at all. In fact I am in serious doubt that he ever cleaned at all, maybe the odd wipe of the countertops but that was about it. It was disgusting. Think about a moment when you have found some bizarre and hard to clean corner of your own home and realized that you have missed cleaning it for a while. Now imagine that it is 600 sq ft of missed spots and it is not even your own dirt. I wanted to vomit and then call my mother. It wasn't the dirtiest place I have ever seen and it wasn't like he went out of his way to leave a major mess - there were no bottles or flies or anything of that nature. It just wasn't clean. And the floors were sticky. And there were splashes of coffee all over the kitchen. And the toilet had never been cleaned. And the fridge & microwave stank. (Vinegar is my new best friend) I bought rubber gloves and and arsenal of cleaning supplies and went to town for a good 7 hours. Plus the 2 hours it took to steam clean the rugs.

Then we spent 2 days painting. I had never painted before so I had no idea how that would go. And it is a little daunting to look at a very small paint sample and imagine how you think a whole room will look in that color and then hope that you are right. But I love my colors (Cappuccino in the living room/kitchen & Light Mocha in the bed/bathroom) so I guess it turned out all right in the end. The most awkward parts were painting around the sink and toilet in the bathroom. The sink because you kind of have to crouch on the countertops and paint in the dark because the lights are too hot (we rigged up an alternate lighting system) and the toilet because it is just awkward all together. Unless maybe you drained all the water and took off the tank? I managed to earn a well played from my cousin for getting out of back of the toilet duty on the second coat.

Finally it was moving day. In a snowstorm. And then a lot of shopping and hours spent putting things together. Thank god for Gerg - he more than made up for my dad's lack of handyman skills. I love my father, but task oriented and handymanesque he is not.

So here I am. Surrounded by all (well most) of my own things. Arranged how I like them. And I am almost ready to believe that I might just be happy.

Saturday Six

Reasons it is hard to live away

1. Miss my family

2. Miss having people I know and who know me around

3. Miss important events like births and birthdays and baptisms

4. When my mom does something like break her arm I am not around to help out

5. Worrying about my Baba and not being around to help out with her

6. The above mentioned people miss important events in my life

Reasons I like living in Calgary

1. Better relationship with my parents

2. Love my job

3. Meeting new people

4. Testing my limits

5. Learning who I am outside of the group

6. Good friends like Niki & Simone & Crystal & Shannon

Saturday Six

On Sunday ... cause I'm a day late and a dollar short ...

Inspired by the couples I was hanging out with last night and their insistence that I date a boy I am not in the least attracted to simply because he is nice and has a pile of money.

Things I am looking for in a boy I might consider dating

1. He should be single. Really, truly, actually single. As in no girlfriend. No wife. No girl he is a)sleeping with consistently or b)actively pursuing but willing to settle for me in the meanwhile.

2. He should be someone I find attractive - for whatever reason he should peak my interest. If this is not immediate, he should be someone I see often enough that his less obvious charms become evident.

3. He should be interested in his own good health, preferably physically active, and not because I pressure him into a gym membership/otherwise force him to take an interest.

4. He should be someone I can have an intelligent conversation with, not a genius necessarily but someone who can hold his own, and have opinions and not think that he has to agree with every word that comes out of my mouth.

5. He should challenge me - whether to try new things or think about old things in a different way.

6. He should be someone that I have fun with and who makes me laugh.

Quickie

There is so much to do and the days in which to do it in are flying by. It has been only a month and a half or so since this whole home buying plan got put into action but it feels like about three years. I think back to something that happened yesterday or last week and think was it only yesterday? Feels like a month ago. If the stress doesn't kill me it will only make me stronger right?

There is so much to say and yet the words to say it with elude me. The energy to sit in front of my computer and pour out my heart and be honest with myself and with you is sitting in a little well that is being covered up with lists upon lists of things to do and people to call and places to be. And when I do think about writing all I want to do is be ranty and fixate on things that don't really matter because the things that do matter? Scary doesn't even begin to describe it.

Everything feels larger than life and overwhelming. Work, the thought of painting my new place, keeping my current place tidy for showings, trying to fit in family and friends and appointments and me time, keeping up the gym ... the last one is SO important because I think the hour that I spend there on a (mostly) daily basis is what is keeping me sane. That hour of sweat pouring down my face and back, that hour where all I can think about is taking that next step, lifting that next weight and breathing, always always breathing. Everything else falls away for that hour and I feel like I might not drown, not yet, not today.

Saturday Six

Easter Related

1. Trivia: This is the earliest Easter can be. It will not be this early for another 250 years. Apparently Easter falls on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Spring Equinox. Who knew?

2. Good Friday is my favorite church service.

3. When I was little and we actually went to the Easter Vigil in our small town church, they used to have an actual bonfire at the back of the church. It is not a very solid memory but it is an important one.

4. I love me some Cadbury Mini-eggs.

5. My dad & I bought my mom tulips to celebrate Spring & Easter.

6. The Easter Bunny is going to be good to me - I know, because I got to pick out the chocolates :p. (I think the Easter Bunny & Santa Clause MIGHT stop coming for me when I have kids of my own. Good thing that is not likely to happen in the very near future.)

If a = b and b = c then a must = c. right?

I would pay good money for a boy-decoder ring.

I wish that my "I'm not sure what to think" default wasn't set to probably an asshole.

I wish that I wasn't so broken, so trained to believe that any boy I might be interested will a)turn out to have a girlfriend/like someone else and b)lie to me about it.

I am tired of being told by boys that have girlfriends that if they didn't have girlfriends they would totally date me and that they don't know why the single boys aren't lining up at my feet. Because when those boys are single - surprise! - they don't want to date me either.

I am tired of being told to think positive, that I will find love when I least expect it, that my turn is coming, that I should stop looking.

I am tired of being single, of wondering why I am single, of being scared of what life would be like if I wasn't single.

There is this boy at the gym and I think he is super cute and I think that he flirts with me/might be interested but I have NO idea how to get past the idle chit chat, how are you? stage.
Part of my issue is that he is not just some random guy at the gym he is one of the guys that works at the gym and that I have to interact with to get passes to my class and skipping ropes and other things from so I am scared that if I do anything too obvious and I have totally been reading him wrong then it will make me not want to go to the gym. Which would be bad on so many levels.

But mostly I am just not sure if he is actually flirting with me or just a friendly guy or I just desperately want someone to notice me so I am making up that he does.

Here's the story ... I had kind of noticed him around once in a while. And then I started going to a spin class on Saturday mornings and we started to have to get passes because it is a popular class. The first Saturday we need a pass I show up and he is handing them out but I forgot to bring something to exchange for the pass. He tells me I need collateral and I say "crap" or something along those lines because I am later than I would like and now have to go back to my locker on the other side of the gym. He says sorry and I say no, I knew I needed that, I'll be right back. When I get back he tells me he was saving a card for me. And then after class, before I even hand him my card (they're numbered) he says "Number 12! I remember!" And at that moment I realize that I think he is cute and am thereafter totally tonguetied and moronic around him.

So I pretty much see him every Saturday I am in Calgary and we make the abovementioned idle chit chat and now I also see him almost every other time I am at the gym and I am pretty sure ... not that he stares at me ... but he notices when I am around. And there is the odd wave or nod of acknowledgement when one or both of us is busy and we can't really say hey. And then a couple of weeks ago I saw him as I was leaving the weight room and he says "how's it going" and I say "good" and he says "I haven't seen you in a while. Well, I've seen you, but I haven't talked to you." which I followed up with a really lame comment that doesn't bear repeating and went on my merry way.

I finally got up the courage to introduce myself last Wednesday, after many pep talks from my girls and many false starts on my part. I think I flustered him a little, he blushed at any rate. I saw him again today and he said "hey, how's it going" and I said "good!" and then he frowned and knew he got my name wrong but was close. And part of me wants to think he tried to remember my name and that's a good thing. But the part of me that defaults to asshole thinks that he didn't remember my name even if he was close. And the very tired part of me thinks this shouldn't be this hard. Ironically, if it wasn't this hard I would probably have lost interest by now.

Saturday Six

Things that made me happy this week

1. Late night chatting with Niki
2. Late night hanging out with Simone/Tyler/Erik
3. Long phone call with Melly
4. Long phone call with Erica
5. Home deal being finalized
6. FINALLY introducing myself to the cute boy at the gym

It is Official

My condo deal went firm today!

The week was not as housewise hectic as anticipated but I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I am (not so secretly) super anal and on the ball. Monday was brutal because I made all my phone calls first thing and then had to wait impatiently for everyone else to get their lives in order and get back to me. But by the end of Tuesday I had all my financing approved and all my appointments set up and felt pretty good about life. So now all I have to do is talk to the lawyer (beginning of April), pick paint colors, pack and move. Everything has fallen into place and I can't help wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. But every time that negativity, those thoughts that my life can't be totally fabulous, creep up on me I take a deep breath and say no, I deserve to be happy, I deserve good things to happen to me, and I can deal with any minor bumps along the way. It's not a fool proof plan but it is keeping me moving forward with a smile on my face.

I had my inspection this afternoon and got to see the place knowing that it was mine and it was an awesome feeling walking through the door and thinking, I own this place! It still smelled like old man and still doesn't show well but I have a vision and think that once I paint and nest and make it my own I am really really going to love it. I noticed all kinds of little things I missed in the terror of trying to make a good decision, like the lights over the breakfast bar and how huge the balcony really is. I am excited over really nerdy things like how much storage space there is and the nook with the built in computer desk and the insuite laundry. Not to mention the walk-in closet and the breakfast bar and the decent sized bedroom and the underground heated parking.

My posession date is April 15 and it is going to come quickly. But I am ready and I am excited and I truly believe that everything is going to work out. I will be poorer than a churchmouse but I will have a home and I will feel like there is somewhere I finally belong in this city. Somewhere that I can come home to as a sanctuary. Somewhere that is mine all mine, from the furniture to the decorations to the sweat labour that will go into the paint job. I can hardly wait.

#7. Save for/buy property – conditional as of March 7, 2008

I conditionally own property!! And once I officially own property I will provide a few more details of said property. Pictures to follow if I a)buy a camera before I move in or b) (more likely) borrow my parents camera.

It is exciting and nervewracking and stressful and a whole lot of emotions all at once. Mostly good. But there is so much to do before the end of Friday that I am not sure how it is all going to come together in time. I have to call my investor to release my personal RRSP money and fill out a form to send away for my work RRSP money and talk to the bank to find out if the drop in interest rates changes anything or if my dad has to make a decision about loaning me a little bit more money or co-signing. I have to arrange for my inspection - which seems silly for a 600 sq ft condo built in 2006 but I know a guy and it is free so why the heck not. I have to meet with the people who are going to review my condo documents to make sure there is nothing funky up front that I need to know about. Plus working, working overtime, and um maybe some more overtime so that when I start hemmoraging money like there is no tomorrow there will actually be said money in my bank account.

The thought of everything I have to spend money on now is keeping me awake at night. So I am going to make a bit of a list right now in the hopes that once it is officially written somewhere my brain will turn off and let me sleep. (ha ha ha) There are lawyers fees and the cost of the condo review and possibly a repayment of taxes if the guy who currently lives there paid in advance. I need to paint so there will be the cost of paint etc. I need living room furniture (which I think I am buying 2nd hand and have mostly under control). A toaster and a kettle. And silverware. A vaccuum. And possibly a million other odds and ends, so I am really wishing I remembered exactly what is in the boxes I have packed up at my parents. Some of it is not going to be urgent purchases but there is enough that needs to be bought in the fairly immediate future that I am feeling slightly panicked and also unreasonably wanting to spend money on frivolous things. (Shopping calms my nerves. I am trying to find something free to calm my nerves and in the meantime beating down the urge to spend money unnecessarily.)

I think once the hectic and the money spending is over (I know the money spending will never actually end but the initial outpouring will slow to a trickle) I will be really excited. I'm in a great area of town, I really like the place I bought and I am SO excited to live on my own as previously mentioned. A little (or a lot) of financial frugality never killed anyone. Did it?

Saturday Six

Food Related

1. I first tried Apricot Stilton cheese when I was in England almost 5 (OMG) years ago and fell madly in love. I have searched every grocery store I have ever been in since and have failed to find it in Canada. But Thursday I got a hot tip that they sell it at Sunterra and there is now a hunk of delectable yumminess in my fridge. It was better than I remembered.

2. I always thought that the bagel switch on toasters was to widen the toaster slots so the bagel would fit better. Apparently it actually turns off the heat on one side so you only toast the front of the bagel. I prefer my bagels toasted on both sides.

3. Shopping for yogourt stresses me out. I don't want aspartame and I don't want too much artificial sugar but the label doesn't indicate how much sugar is artificial vs natural and ... and I try to eat yogourt every day so finding one that meets all of my requirements and is not uber-expensive would be a really good thing.

4. I don't like yogourt with fruit on the bottom

5. I am starting to really enjoy onions. Even raw. I think the world may be close to ending.

6. I love wraps. I think you could put almost anything in a wrap and it would be fabulous. Yesterday I had a flatbread wrap with hummous, artichoke, olive, fresh veggies and feta. I could have died happy after that meal.

Stepping Stones

I'm feeling a bit more on an even keel today. Still a little scared, still a little stressed, but more confident that I will be able to handle things. I think all I needed was a good nights sleep, a few deep breaths and a little perspective. I think it was the right decision not to make an offer yesterday.

Surprisingly, the person who has helped me calm down and rationalize the most is my mother. I know. No one is more shocked than I am. But everytime I have felt like things were getting out of control she has been the voice of reason, she has somehow said all the right things to make me step back and confirm that this is what I want. Last night she told me (and I am paraphrasing here) that people could say what they wanted and I could take or leave their advice but the most important thing was for me to have enough confidence that I was capable of making the best decision possible. And she is right. Even though I am scared that I might make a mistake, it will not be a mistake I can't recover from. I am not going to pay too much for my place. I am not going to buy a lemon. I know what my finances are like and what I can afford and what I have to do to make it work. And if the bottom of the market falls out, well, I am not going to be alone in that experience. All I can do is gather as much information and make as informed a decision as possible. As a Smart & Beautiful Girl(tm) I am more than qualified to take this step. More importantly I am ready to take this step.

I know that I don't love the place I am thinking about putting an offer on. But I do like it. I can see that it has potential with a little paint and my own personal touches. It is somewhere I will be able to afford and it is somewhere I think I will be happy for the next 2 to 5 years (Thanks Karen). It is not my dream house, but, as I have said before and as I may have to keep reminding myself, it is a stepping stone to get there.

I am going to look at a few more places on Thursday, just to make sure that there isn't something that meets all my qualifications that I do LOVE the minute I walk in the door. Depending what I find we'll take it step by step from there.

Not Knowing

I didn't put an offer in. I almost did. But then I didn't.

And I am frustrated, confused and feeling rather stupid because there are so many things I don't know and I am not one who likes to negotiate and everyone has about 4 million opinions about what I should do and how I should do it and ... and I just don't know.

I know that I need to move. I know that I want to buy rather than rent. I know that I want a one bedroom so that I can live on my own. I know that it is a buyers market right now.

But I don't know what the market is going to do. And I don't know what a fair price actually is given that even offering "low" is still considerably high for what a place is actually worth. Except that what a place is actually worth is driven by the market and ...

I have looked at 12 places (the only 12 in my price range in the SE/SW and not on the ground floor) and liked 2 of them. Not loved. And there are things that I don't like about both places. So does that mean I should widen my search or does that mean I should be more ok with offering low and sticking low. And how does my realtor fit in? Because obviously she is in it for the commission and the more I pay the more she makes. But she says she wants me to love the place I make an offer on and that if I am not willing to move much off my starting point then that means I don't love it and won't be happy so we should keep looking. But then other people say that even if I did love it I should still start low and stay firm because it is a buyers market and the seller should come as close to my price as possible. They say it is like a game of chicken and if the sellers place has sat long enough without any bites then they have to be getting nervous so even if I am nervous because I have a deadline for when I have to move by I still have the upper hand.

It doesn't really feel like the upper hand. It feels like I don't know. And like I should know. And like I have to make a decision only how do I know if I am making the right decision and ...

Have I mentioned the frustrated and stressed part?

I am trying to stay positive and believe that things will work out the way they are supposed to and that I will find a place I love and can afford. It is really hard to do today.

Opinionated? Who Me?

Wednesday officially started the condo hunt. My realtor (Kim) and I had gone out a couple of times before my stint in Edmonton but that was before I had really decided what I wanted and knew what I could afford. So Wednesday was the deluge of 1 bedrooms.

We saw 9.

And I liked 1.

I haven't decided if that is good or bad yet. We are going tomorrow afternoon to see the place I liked again and 4 others. I am pretty sure if I don't like any of the other 4 I will be putting in an offer. Tomorrow. In less than 24 hours. Send a brown bag for me to hyperventilate in kthanks.

Here is what I have learned from my search: a lot of people who design condos do not have the functionality of a small space in mind. I apparently feel strongly that if I am going to be living in 600sq ft or less it NEEDS to be functional. There should be closets. The masterbedroom/walk in closet should not be bigger than the rest of the living area. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the idea of a walk-in closet. The very girly part of me wept for joy when I walked into that bedroom. My dreamhouse has several walk-in closets. But I am not buying my dreamhouse. I am buying a stepping stone towards my dreamhouse and the practical side of me would much rather trade a bigger bedroom with walk in closet for a kitchen I can actually cook in and a living area that will fit more than 2 people without guests having to resort to sitting on top of one another.

I am starting to get really excited to live on my own. To know that on days when I get home tired and stressed out and wanting to be alone no one will be there unless I have invited them. I won't have to play nice with people I hardly know. I will know that I can cook in the kitchen when I am hungry. I will know that if I had food in the fridge it will still be there unless I ate it/threw it out. I can have a bath whenever the mood hits. I can sleep with my bedroom door open. I can clean on my own schedule and know that if there is a mess it is because I made it. I think it will be glorious.

Saturday Six

Things I am Grateful For

1. Drinks with Shannon & Lori-Ann last night

2. Getting through month end mostly unscathed

3. Long phone calls with B

4. Emails from my mom

5. Being able to keep my nails for as long as I have

6. Niki's help/support during my condo hunt

Between a Rock & a Hardplace

I'm not sure how to write about this. Even thinking about writing about this feels like a betrayal of sorts. So even though it may be obvious to some who I am talking about I am going to try as best I can to not be overly specific, to not name names or relationships. Because I think I need to write about this.

I have been trying very hard over the last couple of years to cut the negative out of my life. To walk away from those people who consistently make me feel badly about myself, from those people who belittle me or treat me without dignity and respect. To tell myself that I deserve people in my life who want only good things for me, who are willing to support me, who are positive influences.

But there is one person in my life that I don't think I can walk away from. Even though his screaming at me to fuck off and that he hates me and that he never wants to see me again cuts deeply. Even though his comments that I am fat and ugly, meant to be hilarious because in actuality I am neither fat nor ugly, hit all the right nerves every time because I have such issues with how I look. Even though he picks me and hangs me upside down or carries me bodily out of the room because he feels like it and I scream at him to stop, not because he is physically hurting me but because he is making me feel helpless and powerless.

I know that something is wrong with him. Emotionally, psychologically. Something is wrong. He is too angry too much of the time for there to be nothing wrong. And everytime I realize that I can do nothing to help him because he does not want my help, because my concern only serves to anger him further, another piece of my heart breaks. And everytime someone tells me not to take it personally, not to let him ruin my night or my self-confidence, because although his anger and rage might be directed at me it is not because of me, I wonder how they can make that distinction. I think of all the times he has been sweet and gentle and kind and I wonder where that boy goes and I wonder where all the anger comes from and I wish more than anything that there was something I could do.

But I can't keep being the target he lashes out at.

Moving to Calgary has brought some distance but it hasn't solved the problem, only made me feel like I am running away, hoping each time that I go back to Edmonton that things will be different. I know that if something is wrong I will feel overwhelmed by guilt for not knowing how to help, for not being strong enough to make him get help, for being selfish by looking out for my own fragile psyche and staying as much out of his way as possible. From todays vantage point it feels absolutely like a lose lose situation.

Saturday Six

Nice Things My Boss Said Yesterday

1. That she gets a lot of feedback about my work and it is always positive

2. That she sees me as her go to girl and knows that anything she asks of me will be done and done well.

3. That audits of my work all come back impeccable which means not only am I efficient I am also effective.

4. That my agents see me as a team player

5. That my agents know that even if I have to say no I will a)explain myself and b)try to provide an alternative solution

6. That I always come across as professional, even when having conversations that could easily go another way.

Project Buy Property

I think I was a little bit scared to come back to Edmonton last weekend. I knew that I had to have a big talk with my parents about exactly how much financial help they were willing and able to give me to get Project Buy Property up and running and I wasn't entirely sure how that would go. I knew that they were more than willing, I just wasn't entirely sure what that meant in real numbers and I felt guilty (feel guilty) that I was even asking this of them. (They offered, I asked, it all boils down to the same thing really) I tried to do a lot of budgeting and planning before I got here so that I could give them options and proof of what I was going to do to make things work but I just wasn't entirely sure how the conversation was going to go.

Thankfully better than expected. And then we met with 1 bank on Tuesday and I am officially pre-approved for a mortgage. Which was all kinds of scary and not scary at the same time. Because now I have to think about a fixed or floating mortgage and maybe talk to at least one other bank to see what kind of rate they will give me and ... really it is so many numbers my head is still spinning. But the lady at the bank said she thought that I was going about things very logically. Which made me wonder for a moment if she was entirely crazy because most of the time I feel like I have no idea what I am doing and like things are happening at warp speed and without my actually having time to think things through. (Which is maybe a good thing). Take the bank for example - I popped in on my lunch break to make an appointment for Thursday and they were all, well Thursday won't work but how does now sound? Can you pop in now? (OMG).

But there is a plan in place and it involves a 1 bedroom or a 1 bedroom +den and no roommate and a mortgage payment that is going to make my financial life more dreary than my sex life (is that even possible?) but I will have a home and it will be my own. And when I am not completely terrified I am actually rather excited.

Next stop: a meeting with my boss tomorrow to discuss the overtime hours I am going to start working.