Step 1

A lot has changed in the last year.
Actually a lot has changed in the last month.

Good changes I think, even though I am still reeling from certain self-revelations and not entirely sure what it all means yet. Kind of like I burst through a shell that I didn't even know existed, never mind that it was holding me back. But the last few weeks have been tentative steps forward and even if I can't quite quantify all or any of it, something is different. The same but different.

I still don't quite know where I fit in or belong. I still feel torn between Edmonton and Calgary - both of them being home but not home at the same time. I still have the urge to write but the fear of actually opening up to others and to myself, as well as feeling like my life is too routine to actually be an interesting read and that while I probably possess the skills to make it an interesting read ... what if I fail? Clearly I have not made much progress in my attempts to get over my fear of failure.

I am kind of sad at the moment. For a lot of reasons but mainly because moving forward (even if it is at a snail's pace) definitely means leaving certain things behind and/or having a different relationship with some people/things. But in some ways I have been holding on to an ideal that never really was, or hasn't been for a long time, and I have to let that go. For example: my friendship circle is not the same as it was 4ish years ago when I lived in the Party House and the majority of my friends also lived in the University area and it was so easy to find time to hang out and get a group together. People have moved away, time is more of a luxury these days ... the list can go on. And while there are times, like Christmas, when most people come back and it feels like the old days again ... those old days are gone and the friendships are different. Not necessarily a bad thing. But an important thing for me to realize when I compare my life now to my life then.

The other thing I have realized is that no matter the distance, even if they can't swing by at the drop of a hat anymore, there are people in that circle who love me unconditionally. At the moment I am not entirely sure I deserve that. But they are there whenever I need my pieces put back together. They have always been there: when I didn't want my pieces put back together, when they didn't know why I needed to be put back together, when I didn't realize I needed to be put back together. They are the glue that has held me together and I am not sure if I have ever said thank-you. I am not sure if saying thank-you is even remotely enough.