Oh Dear

So I am just going to stop promising that I am going to update more frequently because clearly that is just a waste of my time and yours (if you are still reading). I'll write when I write and that's just going to have to be good enough for all of us.
I keep wondering why I am not writing and there are many theories, some of which are valid and others are just me making up excuses because I don't want to delve too deep into my psyche. Because while many aspects of my life are better at the moment I am still plenty screwed up and scared and I'm just not sure I want to get in to all that. Mostly because I don't want to admit to myself that there is still so far for me to travel. And also I am starting to think that my self-perfectionism is really and truly overrated and I should just let myself fuck up once in a while. Although I am wondering if I stopped putting pressure on myself who would there be to challenge me and push me to be the best person I can be? It is doubtful that there are people waiting in the sidelines wanting to fill those shoes. So I have to dig deep to motivate myself, to get myself there - wherever the hell there actually is. Maybe there is a happy medium - I can push myself to outer limits and learn to accept failure when it happens. My new trainer is teaching me a lot about that. Failure is good! she always tells me. When you fail and pick up and keep going, when you feel that deep burn, that's love! I think she is one of the most inspirational women I have ever met and I know quite a few inspirational women so that is saying something. So that is what I am working on - accepting that I might fail and that doesn't make me a bad person. Trying again and again and again if that's what it takes to get there. Accepting that "there" is completely and totally subjective and it is ok if I am not where I thought I wanted to be or where others think I should be or 100% in line with where I perceive everyone else to be. I don't have to fit in, I just have to be strong within myself and keep moving.
I struggle with feelings of inadequacy on a daily basis. Some days are better than others, over the last years more days have been good than bad. But I still struggle and I still fall and these last weeks have been hard on me, although I doubt many people would know that. No one asks and I don't feel comfortable telling. I've retreated a little bit into my shell and I am working on poking my head back out there again. I just wish once it would come easy.
Met a boy recently, and it could be something, could be nothing, doesn't matter really. What matters is that it brought up all my crazy fears again. But I didn't sabotage myself at that first meeting and I guess all I can do is take baby steps and try to be self aware and not sabotage myself if we meet again. Because I have this crazy broken instinct where I run everytime a nice boy gets too close and then overcompensate by sticking around WAY too long when the jerks come calling.
So that's how I am. Confused and messed up and working through it.