Fragments

I'm still reeling from yesterdays migraine.

My mom told me not to worry. Was I worrying? she asked. The answer was yes even though I said no. I am not sure I am ready to talk about it yet.

Not sure that January is ending on a high note but overall the month has gone much better than anticipated. December was so ... I am not sure there is one word to describe it. I spent much of December in Edmonton and that was good and bad and neither all at once. I came to some pretty big realizations (not ready to talk about those either) and took what amounted to very large steps in some direction that I can only hope was the right one and was emotionally up and down and all over the map, beginning 2008 as a pool of tears on several peoples shoulders. When people asked what was wrong all I could do was sob that I didn't want to go home. Home being Calgary. Not home being Edmonton. (I find I very confusingly refer to both cities as home and not home and I apologize here and now for all the times I am sure I won't spell myself out. ) Everyone was super great about telling me I could come visit whenever I wanted and that I could stay at their place if I didn't want to stay at my parents and it was only 4 weeks until I saw the Scrapbooking Girls and only 3 weeks after that until Family Day and then there would be Beth's shower and ... But that wasn't the point exactly. While there are definitely days when I would like to go home (Edmonton) there is also at this point an overwhelming sense that I am supposed to be in Calgary. I don't know what that means or why I feel that way and often wonder if it is just my inability to give up and admit that I can't do this (this being living 3 hours away from my entire family/family of friends) except that I can do this and have been doing it and ... The point was that my whole world had fallen apart about oh, umpteen million times over the course of 31 days and I had kept it together because I was all cocooned in my safety net and every time I fell someone I loved was right there to catch me, whether they knew that's what they were doing or not. And I just knew that the aftermath of my falling apart was going to start hitting the fan and I was going to be in Calgary, alone, trying to catch myself and I didn't see how that was even remotely possible. But the aftermath ... well maybe it is still coming. Or maybe those phone calls to B and Dev coming for breakfast and lunch with Simone and Niki having me over for supper & an evening of Dallas and making tentative plans with Shannon to start a book club and dinner with Amanda and finding out from Chels that I could stay here indefinitely and writing again ... maybe those small and unrelated things were enough to hold me together or at least hold me still so that some of the fragmented pieces could settle.