Birthdays

I've always had a bit of a hard time with my birthday. It's not so much the getting older thing, although some years (25 in particular) that has been an issue.

I think in some ways my birthday has always made me feel like an inconvenience. I was born at the worst possible time for my school teaching mother and although she went out of her way to make sure I had a party etc I always felt like I was adding to her workload. I was one more thing that had to be taken care of before the end of June. I think now that those feelings are more to do with me and my insecurities but they are my feelings none the less.

In Jr High & High school there were always exams on my birthday and more often than not I have been sick as a dog and miserable. I feel awkward when people make a big deal out of it but then a little bit disappointed when others don't. I associate my birthday with feeling strange about the passage of time, unsure of who I am/where I am/where I want to be/where I am actually going.

My most memorable birthday was the year I turned 23. I was in Ireland with Beth & Mel and we spent the day exploring Tara, getting caught in a sudden rainstorm, playing catch up on a pubcrawl and downing 2 litres of cider in what felt like 2.5 seconds, getting approximately 40 minutes of sleep before catching a plane back to Stanstead. I made out with a boy whose name I did not get, who may or may not have spoken English. Definitely my most rockstar birthday ever.

I was expecting yesterday to come and go and not be anything out of the ordinary. And in a lot of ways that is exactly what happened. I got up, went to work, talked to my parents, got a lot of birthday wishes on facebook, had icecream with Becca, had flowers delivered to the office, came home, had a nap, supper and gluten free cake with B and then drinks and dancing with some Calgary friends. But in the midst of the ordinary birthday celebrations something small and extraordinary happened. I felt really and truly happy.

I feel like the past year has been a lot of ups and downs. Some really amazing things happened - Niki's wedding, my trip to Mexico, buying my condo - but for the most part I feel like I spent the year slowly but surely closing doors. There were hard moments, there were bad moments, but mostly there were a lot of bittersweet this really sucks but I have to do it anyways moments. And yesterday, for the first time since that night of toboggoning with Sarah, I feel like I have a wide open future in front of me. The past is still there, and definitely not entirely dealt with, but it is no longer an insurmountable obstacle blocking my way forward. I am not entirely sure what that means exactly but I can't help thinking it is a good thing.