Oh Dear

So I am just going to stop promising that I am going to update more frequently because clearly that is just a waste of my time and yours (if you are still reading). I'll write when I write and that's just going to have to be good enough for all of us.
I keep wondering why I am not writing and there are many theories, some of which are valid and others are just me making up excuses because I don't want to delve too deep into my psyche. Because while many aspects of my life are better at the moment I am still plenty screwed up and scared and I'm just not sure I want to get in to all that. Mostly because I don't want to admit to myself that there is still so far for me to travel. And also I am starting to think that my self-perfectionism is really and truly overrated and I should just let myself fuck up once in a while. Although I am wondering if I stopped putting pressure on myself who would there be to challenge me and push me to be the best person I can be? It is doubtful that there are people waiting in the sidelines wanting to fill those shoes. So I have to dig deep to motivate myself, to get myself there - wherever the hell there actually is. Maybe there is a happy medium - I can push myself to outer limits and learn to accept failure when it happens. My new trainer is teaching me a lot about that. Failure is good! she always tells me. When you fail and pick up and keep going, when you feel that deep burn, that's love! I think she is one of the most inspirational women I have ever met and I know quite a few inspirational women so that is saying something. So that is what I am working on - accepting that I might fail and that doesn't make me a bad person. Trying again and again and again if that's what it takes to get there. Accepting that "there" is completely and totally subjective and it is ok if I am not where I thought I wanted to be or where others think I should be or 100% in line with where I perceive everyone else to be. I don't have to fit in, I just have to be strong within myself and keep moving.
I struggle with feelings of inadequacy on a daily basis. Some days are better than others, over the last years more days have been good than bad. But I still struggle and I still fall and these last weeks have been hard on me, although I doubt many people would know that. No one asks and I don't feel comfortable telling. I've retreated a little bit into my shell and I am working on poking my head back out there again. I just wish once it would come easy.
Met a boy recently, and it could be something, could be nothing, doesn't matter really. What matters is that it brought up all my crazy fears again. But I didn't sabotage myself at that first meeting and I guess all I can do is take baby steps and try to be self aware and not sabotage myself if we meet again. Because I have this crazy broken instinct where I run everytime a nice boy gets too close and then overcompensate by sticking around WAY too long when the jerks come calling.
So that's how I am. Confused and messed up and working through it.

A plan

I know, I know. My last post is all these are my goals and I am well aware that one of them was to write more. And have I done that? Well I could pretend that I have updated my paper journal (and I have, twice) but really there has been not so much with the writing. And not so much with the self reflecting - I think this is being reflected in the fact that I am up around 4 am every morning with my brain whirling madly. And at 4 am I am not so inclined to delve deep into my psyche, I just want to go back to sleep for 2 more hours so that I can make it through my very busy day. So I have settled on a plan that I am hoping will help me sleep through the night and also mean that you (is there anyone still reading?) will hear more from me here. It's a plan, not a promise, keep in mind. But I figure since I am up anyways and since technically I don't have to be at work until 8:45 (9 shortly since I don't get summer flex days) and I don't really need 2.5 hours to get ready that I will use my free morning time to do some writing. As of right now I have a lot of work and have been going in early but I am getting close to caught up so the plan should work.

Of course part of the plan is going to involve some self-ass-kicking to motivate me to actually share some of the details of my life and to do some of that inner soul searching that I have been avoiding - starting to feel a little bit like Scarlett O'Hara with all the "I'll think about it tomorrows" that have been going on. And I know that if I let it tomorrow will never come.

Busy busy at the moment helping to plan Miss Cordelia's wedding ... some days it feels like MY wedding which is nice in some ways because I have never really been this involved in a wedding before and Cordelia is one of my best friends and I am so excited to share her day with her. In other ways it is not so nice because I do silly things like make shower invitations from scratch and spend 2 hours going through pictures of people I don't really know for the slide show AND I have to write a speech. It's not that there isn't anything to say, it's that there is too much to say and I am not entirely sure how to say it. And also my teeny tiny fear of public speaking. I just really have to sit down and start and I am sure the words will flow ... I am just scared they won't capture the essence of how I feel or what I want to say, or that it will be too in-between friends and no one else will get it or care. I guess I just have to accept that as long as I speak from the heart it doesn't matter if anyone cares as long as it is meaningful to Cordie but that isn't stopping the pressure I am putting on myself.

Goals:2007

So it is a little bit late for me to be all New Years resolutiony and favorite memories from 2006 blah blah blah. Which usually isn't really me anyways. At least not in any sort of tangible format that I can come back and look upon and realize how badly I have strayed or how different my life has become and how I have ended up somewhere weirdly wonderful that I never anticipated in my wildest dreams. Life's funny like that. And some days I think I would like more of a documentation of my hopes and dreams, awkward moments and heartaches. I just wish I was a little better at translating my thoughts and sometimes fleeting feelings into the written word, a little bit more comfortable sharing those parts of me with those of you still reading.

But I have been thinking lately about how things have changed and how things are changing and I guess in some ways I wonder if making a list of what I hope to accomplish in 2007 will at least give me the pretense of some sort of control over my life. Because it is changing and I am changing and sometimes I wonder what would happen if things just stopped for a second, would I have some understanding of the master plan? would I feel less reactionary? would I feel like I was actually making a difference? Or would I just fixate on things that in the grand scheme of things, in retrospect, never really mattered.

So here we go.

1. Volunteer somewhere
2. Continue meeting new people (so far the people Calgary has introduced into my life have been fantastic - Jenna, Brom, Grant, Crystal (Orlando!!), Simone to name but a few - so I am hoping I continue to have luck in this area)
3. Be better informed
4. Read more
5. Get over the AWKWARD and see where things lead
6. Visit: Vancouver, Las Vegas and where ever B ends up in the fall, Edmonton (but I think that goes without saying)
7. Buy a new car
8. Figure out a long term place to live - buy a condo?? (I'm freaking out here)
9. Continue to excel at my job, continue to love my job, continue to learn how to do my job better
10. Sing more, dance more, play more
11. Figure out what to say and how to say it (speech for my sister's wedding)
12. Lose the "Freshman 10" I've gained since moving to Calgary
13. Enjoy a healthy lifestyle - eat better, work out consistently, listen to my body
14. Learn
15. Love
16. Dream
17. Be less critical of myself
18. Be bold
19. Write more (which I know I keep saying. I blame working on a computer all day meaning I never want to turn mine on when I'm at home. But I can keep a paper journal. Or suck it up and turn on my computer anyways.)
20. Write honestly
21. Keep in touch with those I love
22. Be creative
23. Take photos
24. Worry less - make the most informed decisions possible and accept that what will be will be.
25. Phase out negativity
26. BE - be happy, sad, angry, frustrated, scared. Don't apologize for it.
27. bake, cook, explore new foods
28. Move on - get rid of the jacket, confront the insecurities, dare to be hurt again. It really is time.
29. Move forward
30. Embrace change - it certainly isn't going anywhere