Whispers

I think about writing all the time. When I am running, when I am swimming, when I am lifting weights. When I am cooking, when I am eating. When I am driving, when I am walking. Every waking moment, and some sleeping ones too, I am thinking about writing. I am running words and phrases through my head. I am trying to feel how the sentence will look on the page, how the syllables will sound, how the pictures will be formed.

And yet my pen (in all honesty my keyboard) is silent.

There have been so many moments this past year that I have longed to share.

I have lost many things, many people, over the course of 2008, and I have wanted to use language to make those losses tangible, to explain what and how and why I have lost.

I have gained many things, many people, over the course of 2008 and I have wanted to use language to celebrate those joys, to echo my laughter, to explain what and how and why I have loved.

But every time I have sat at this computer I have been filled with self doubt and self pity and self loathing and I have stopped myself. I have been scared of who might be reading and who might not be reading. I have been unsure of what I wanted to share, of what would be better kept private, of what might be misunderstood.

I have let my voice be silent.

Dreamtime

I have two recurring dreams that are (or should be) a sign that I am stressed out.

The first hasn't really made an appearance for a while. In it I either wake up and realize that I have slept in or I am in the middle of doing something and realize that I am late for an exam/handing in a big project that is due. I also realize that I haven't done any of the course assignments, haven't been to class in weeks, haven't read the course work, meant to drop the class before the drop class deadline but totally spaced out on actually dropping the course and now I have to walk in late for an exam that I am not at all prepared for/hand in a project that is totally unresearched and incomplete. I wake up panicked and flustered and it takes several moments of deep breathing to realize that I haven't been in school for almost 4 years now, that I did in fact drop all my classes 4 years ago, that I have no exam that I am late for, no project that I haven't researched.

The second dream is the one I have had most lately. I don't remember the dream so much as my actual waking moments after the dream. I am always searching for something I have lost. And the feeling of having lost something is so strong and so real that I am often on my feet out of bed digging in a drawer or peering under a shelf before I realize that I don't own/gave away a long time ago/never had what I am looking for. It used to be my retainer, sometimes it is something non-descript - a book, a key, lately it is a wedding band or an engagement ring (I wake up rubbing my left ring finger and panicking because there is no return caress of cold metal).

Is that weird? Do any of you have recurring/stress related dreams?