I'll find my way ...

Maybe not always, but for as long as I can remember I have always been waiting for that bolt of inspiration to hit me. I've believed somehow (who really knows where beliefs come from?) that one day I would wake up and know who I was and where I fit in and what I wanted to be when I grew up and just exactly how to get there. But it seems that everytime I start to think that maybe it is coming together; maybe I have an idea of what the big picture would look like; maybe this is who I am and what I want and where I am going ... well then in one big explosion of chaos everything changes and I'm back at square one again and things look a little different. Or a lot different. Or practically unrecognizable.

So I am moving in a week. Giving up my job which I know and well, don't exactly love but KNOW. Giving up my room and my city and my routine and my friends and everything else that seems to make up any semblance of how I know myself. And I wonder: Will I be different in a different city? Will I be happy? Will I make new friends and find new routines? Everyone else seems to be so sure that I will be just fine. Everyone else has always seemed to believe in me more than I have ever believed in myself. And I don't think it is low self-esteem exactly ... I've just never really thought of myself as having a major impact on the world - I get up, I go to work, I do my thing. I don't change lives, I just do the best that I can and often feel like my best is not enough because people are always always always asking me to give more.

Only now that I am leaving it is occuring to me that maybe I make more of an impression than I thought ... Everywhere I go people are telling me how sorry they are to see me leave - the ladies at the bank, customers I didn't even realize knew my name, my parents' neighbours, my dr, my therapist ... they all tell me that I am a wonderful and amazing woman and wish me the best of luck. And it is sort of bizarre to me and I keep wondering how exactly I managed to fool so many people ... My mom says I need to get a better grip on reality - it's like when I was in Gr 1 and on the honor roll but in tears because I didn't think I was smart (honor roll equals smart) or now when I ask if I look fat (size 4 does not equal fat) - and of course I am wonderful and amazing (Cara equals wonderful and amazing) see how this works? And my therapist says that when the negative thoughts start creeping around and trying to take root that I just need to tell them to stop - stop creeping, stop niggling, stop worrying. Which, let me tell you, is a lot easier in theory than in practice.

I've come a long ways. Maybe you wouldn't believe that from this entry. But the fact that I am writing about how scared I am right now should be some sort of proof because mostly I try to keep those tiny cracks in my armor to myself. Which maybe you also wouldn't believe if you've dealt with my drama and my confusion - big sweeping problems I am good with sharing. But believe me: I've come a long ways. And I'm going places - even if I don't know where they are or how to get there. I'll find my way.

Deja Vu

It's like my first day of Gr 9 ... I'm freaking out about everything under the sun (hi, have we met? I over react and blow things out of proportion .. but in all honestly Summer of 1994 was one of the worst in recollection) and I show up at school only to find out that my 3 best friends are in one class and I'm all alone in the other.
Of course back in Gr 9 I was able to pull some strings and get moved into my friends French class to help ease the transition ... today there are no strings to pull, no safety nets ....
And I know that these are great changes and I am going to be a better person for all of it - one of the best things that came from the big split up is my friendship with B - and I also know that just because things are going to be different it doesn't mean they're going to be OVER - look at my friendship with Niki ... but I still can't help wishing my life didn't feel like such a freefall at the moment.
But I'll fix a smile on my face and fake it til I make it ... not a lot of other choices at the moment.