I've been mulling over these thoughts in my head for days now. But the words? They will not gel, they will not form a coherent thread. They jump all over the place, from thought to thought. All connectedly unconnected and coherently incoherent.
It's like how when you first wake up from a dream and everything makes sense but then 5 seconds later the world makes less sense and you didn't write down the answers to the questions you didn't know you had. But now you have them! If you could only remember.
It's like how a problem has a totally theoretical solution. It can be fixed in the abstract. But sometimes when you apply the solutions that should work they just make everything more of a mess.
It's like how sometimes things just fall into place. Like putting together a puzzle and you searched and searched for that one piece of blue sky with the slight grey on the one edge and the slight green on the other and suddenly there it is right on top in a place you looked 1,000 times. And it makes no logical sense that those pieces weren't there before and it makes even less sense that they are there now.
It's like how sometimes things are just easy. You say all the right things or maybe the wrong ones but it doesn't matter because you are saying them. And all that matters is that moment, not what came before or what comes next.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Trying
Every time I sit and stare at this blank page I think about how hard it is to start again. I think about how many thoughts and feelings and ideas I have to fill up this space, about which blip of conciousness I am going to choose to share, about how many moments I choose not to share. I think about how much easier it seems to close the window and make this blank page go away.
I have learned, over and over again it seems, that shutting my eyes and pretending doesn't freeze time, doesn't make the pain less painful, doesn't make the happy less joyous, doesn't mean things won't change. I am still learning this, still blindly hoping that the good moments will freeze and the bad ones will fast forward on by ... all the while acknowledging that without those bad moments I would not have grown, would not be the person that I am becoming.
I think in some ways I have always felt a little bit like expressing myself here was a bit of a cop-out, a way of avoiding expressing myself in person. I didn't (and don't) want anyone that I care about reading something here and thinking "I really wish she would have told me that she felt that way". I don't want this to be the crutch I use when I am too scared or nervous to say something face to face. That being said, I don't want to feel like I shouldn't write because I am scared that what my stream of conciousness brings to the paper will be a major revelation. I am going to work on trying to balance those two extremes.
I have been thinking a lot about friendships lately. About why some people stay in my life and why some people fade into the background, about why some friendships are ok with long gaps of not talking and others need daily attention, about how some people know me on a deep level and others know me on a totally superficial one and how sometimes it seems totally backwards that the people who know me deeply (or have the potential to know me deeply)are who they are.
I have been re-connecting with people from my past over the last month or so and that has left me pondering how much I have really changed over the last 10 or so years. I know that I have changed, I know that I am not the same person that I was when I went to camp or when I spent time in University courses with these people. But I am starting to think that it is not so much that I have changed on a fundamental level but that I have changed in how I express those values and ideals that I have always had. I guess what I mean is that the core of who I am is not different, but my level of acceptance of myself and my ability to stay true to myself has changed. I am less likely (although it is not out of the realm of possibility) to do something or say something just to fit in. I am trying to mean what I say and say what I mean. With an emphasis on the trying.
I have learned, over and over again it seems, that shutting my eyes and pretending doesn't freeze time, doesn't make the pain less painful, doesn't make the happy less joyous, doesn't mean things won't change. I am still learning this, still blindly hoping that the good moments will freeze and the bad ones will fast forward on by ... all the while acknowledging that without those bad moments I would not have grown, would not be the person that I am becoming.
I think in some ways I have always felt a little bit like expressing myself here was a bit of a cop-out, a way of avoiding expressing myself in person. I didn't (and don't) want anyone that I care about reading something here and thinking "I really wish she would have told me that she felt that way". I don't want this to be the crutch I use when I am too scared or nervous to say something face to face. That being said, I don't want to feel like I shouldn't write because I am scared that what my stream of conciousness brings to the paper will be a major revelation. I am going to work on trying to balance those two extremes.
I have been thinking a lot about friendships lately. About why some people stay in my life and why some people fade into the background, about why some friendships are ok with long gaps of not talking and others need daily attention, about how some people know me on a deep level and others know me on a totally superficial one and how sometimes it seems totally backwards that the people who know me deeply (or have the potential to know me deeply)are who they are.
I have been re-connecting with people from my past over the last month or so and that has left me pondering how much I have really changed over the last 10 or so years. I know that I have changed, I know that I am not the same person that I was when I went to camp or when I spent time in University courses with these people. But I am starting to think that it is not so much that I have changed on a fundamental level but that I have changed in how I express those values and ideals that I have always had. I guess what I mean is that the core of who I am is not different, but my level of acceptance of myself and my ability to stay true to myself has changed. I am less likely (although it is not out of the realm of possibility) to do something or say something just to fit in. I am trying to mean what I say and say what I mean. With an emphasis on the trying.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Things: A Meme
There is this meme floating around on Facebook but I decided to do it here because Facebook is not exactly the place I go to share my deepest thoughts and secrets. It is a place where I share bits and pieces of my life but not necessarily the big stuff, the real stuff. You know?
So I have seen a few examples and it is unclear just how many things you are supposed to share, some say 10, some are 19, some are 25 ... I guess I am just going to share until I get tired and that will be how many things you will have learned about me today.
1. My name means friend. My parents chose it because Friend was my mom's last name and there were only daughters in her family. I try to emulate my name and what it means to be a part of that family. I am not sure I always do a good job, or that trying is enough. But there it is.
2. I lost 3 of the people I loved most in the world in 2008. I thought that losing those people would kill me. But I am still here. Taking things day by day, trying to put my pieces back together. A numb shell of my former self. I am not sure anyone notices the difference.
3. I keep telling myself that despite what I lost, despite that void feeling so very huge and black and despairing, there are good things in my life. And I know that this is true. There are things and people that I love. There are moments of happiness, however fleeting. There are things like New Orleans and Vegas and a summer wedding to look forward to. There are reasons to wake up and get through the day. And so I do.
4. I have a recurring dream where I have lost something and I am crying and searching desperately to find it. Do you know how it feels to wake up and realize that what you lost was something that you never actually had?
5. I often overthink things. I often feel guilty about things over which I have no control. I remember in great detail times when I have hurt people in the past and I wish that my actions had never caused those people pain. I know that in life it is impossible not to hurt people but I wish it was easier to always treat people excellently while treating yourself excellently as well.
6. I caved in to peer pressure and tried online dating. I guess technically I am still trying it since I haven't taken my profile down. But I haven't really enjoyed the experience. I'm not really interested in IMing someone I hardly know, I feel like I don't have enough time (or energy to make time) for the people who are important to me so why would I want to waste any of that precious time on a guy who can barely construct a sentence let alone spell half the words in said sentence. And then when I meet them - there was the guy who lied about who he was, the guy with the dead grandma, the guy who made me feel like if I misrepresented myself even just a little bit he would leave me on a street corner. Seriously. Not my thing at the moment.
7. Loud noises scare me and make me uncomfortable. My mom likes to tell the story about how she would call out the window to my dad and she would have to raise her voice so he could hear her over the lawnmower and this would inevitably lead to me sobbing uncontrollably. Despite being uncomfortable, I am friends with a lot of loud people.
8. I am terrified of caterpillars. I am convinced that one day I will be sitting under a tree, minding my own business and a caterpillar will fall on my head and crawl in my hair. This might be irrational. But I try not to sit under trees just in case.
9. I am terrified of needles. But my friend Simone convinced me to donate blood on her behalf while she was pregnant and now I try to do so on a regular basis. Even though I know it is not so bad or so scary in real life I am still nervous every time. I miss being able to go with Simone and her family and having someone there to hold my hand.
10. I am usually very good at remembering faces and usually names. I almost always assume that the people I recognize will not remember me.
11. I have issues with commitment. I think it is because I am scared that if I let someone get too close they will eventually figure out something horrible about me and decide that they can't be friends with me because of it. I have yet to figure out what that horrible thing is. My alternate explanation for my commitment phobia is that I am convinced, based on past experiences, that anyone I let get close will eventually find someone better than me and they will leave.
12. I am struggling to find balance and peace in my life. I know that writing more would make me feel better but I also know that putting my thoughts and feelings into words will make them real.
So I have seen a few examples and it is unclear just how many things you are supposed to share, some say 10, some are 19, some are 25 ... I guess I am just going to share until I get tired and that will be how many things you will have learned about me today.
1. My name means friend. My parents chose it because Friend was my mom's last name and there were only daughters in her family. I try to emulate my name and what it means to be a part of that family. I am not sure I always do a good job, or that trying is enough. But there it is.
2. I lost 3 of the people I loved most in the world in 2008. I thought that losing those people would kill me. But I am still here. Taking things day by day, trying to put my pieces back together. A numb shell of my former self. I am not sure anyone notices the difference.
3. I keep telling myself that despite what I lost, despite that void feeling so very huge and black and despairing, there are good things in my life. And I know that this is true. There are things and people that I love. There are moments of happiness, however fleeting. There are things like New Orleans and Vegas and a summer wedding to look forward to. There are reasons to wake up and get through the day. And so I do.
4. I have a recurring dream where I have lost something and I am crying and searching desperately to find it. Do you know how it feels to wake up and realize that what you lost was something that you never actually had?
5. I often overthink things. I often feel guilty about things over which I have no control. I remember in great detail times when I have hurt people in the past and I wish that my actions had never caused those people pain. I know that in life it is impossible not to hurt people but I wish it was easier to always treat people excellently while treating yourself excellently as well.
6. I caved in to peer pressure and tried online dating. I guess technically I am still trying it since I haven't taken my profile down. But I haven't really enjoyed the experience. I'm not really interested in IMing someone I hardly know, I feel like I don't have enough time (or energy to make time) for the people who are important to me so why would I want to waste any of that precious time on a guy who can barely construct a sentence let alone spell half the words in said sentence. And then when I meet them - there was the guy who lied about who he was, the guy with the dead grandma, the guy who made me feel like if I misrepresented myself even just a little bit he would leave me on a street corner. Seriously. Not my thing at the moment.
7. Loud noises scare me and make me uncomfortable. My mom likes to tell the story about how she would call out the window to my dad and she would have to raise her voice so he could hear her over the lawnmower and this would inevitably lead to me sobbing uncontrollably. Despite being uncomfortable, I am friends with a lot of loud people.
8. I am terrified of caterpillars. I am convinced that one day I will be sitting under a tree, minding my own business and a caterpillar will fall on my head and crawl in my hair. This might be irrational. But I try not to sit under trees just in case.
9. I am terrified of needles. But my friend Simone convinced me to donate blood on her behalf while she was pregnant and now I try to do so on a regular basis. Even though I know it is not so bad or so scary in real life I am still nervous every time. I miss being able to go with Simone and her family and having someone there to hold my hand.
10. I am usually very good at remembering faces and usually names. I almost always assume that the people I recognize will not remember me.
11. I have issues with commitment. I think it is because I am scared that if I let someone get too close they will eventually figure out something horrible about me and decide that they can't be friends with me because of it. I have yet to figure out what that horrible thing is. My alternate explanation for my commitment phobia is that I am convinced, based on past experiences, that anyone I let get close will eventually find someone better than me and they will leave.
12. I am struggling to find balance and peace in my life. I know that writing more would make me feel better but I also know that putting my thoughts and feelings into words will make them real.
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