Sunday, May 18, 2008

#94. Dentist in Calgary

I have had the same dentist for as long as I can remember. He is a friend of my uncle's from highschool. They played football together and when I was younger he would always tell me that I was braver and tougher than any football player he knew. I had to go through a lot of dental work in order to make my adult teeth fit in my very small mouth. You may not know this about me, but I am actually short 4 teeth.

When I saw him last spring he told me I should see a dentist in Calgary post haste because he thought I might be starting to grind my teeth. And then I chipped one of my front teeth in Mexico and I thought about seeing someone about that ... but somehow a whole year had passed since my last checkup and I hadn't managed to make time to find anybody here. So when I got the reminder call that I was due for an appointment I spurred myself into high gear.

My new dentist seems nice enough but he is no Dr S. Plus I kind of hold it against him that he managed to find 5 cavities on my first visit. Even though I know they have probably been there awhile, and should probably hold it against Dr S for not finding them one at a time. Loyalty is funny like that. Apparently he only found them due to new laser technology - I guess the old technique, wherein the dentist poked the top of your molars with a pointy instrument and if the point went through a soft spot it meant you had a cavity (I am so scientific), was no longer effective as everyone has much stronger tooth enamel these days. So my new dentist has this laser that they hover over your teeth and it emits a reading (0-99) and a high pitched squeal when it senses decay. It went pretty crazy in my mouth.

I have never had a cavity in my life so to go from 0-5 in a matter of moments was pretty shocking. And filled me with dread. Because the thought of having to hold my very small mouth open wide for over an hour while it was filled with a ton of instruments was enough to make me want to gag. The reality was not a lot better than the horror scene in my imagination. They have some spit sucking machine that helps to prop your mouth open while holding back your cheek and tongue ... I am sure that is the only way my mouth stayed open as long as needed. But it didn't stop my jaw from spasming. And they only did one side, so I get to go through this joyous experience all over again in about 2 weeks time.

And seriously, the freezing. I was trying to concentrate on breathing slowly through my nose and on not panicking and part way through the procedure I noticed that the right side of my nose (the side that was frozen) didn't feel like it was breathing properly, which did not help to ease me away from my proximity to hyperventilation. It was only as the freezing started to wear off that I realized that was because my nostril was also frozen. It was also the oddest experience to be able to see all of these instruments being passed around and knowing that they are in my mouth and being able to hear them but not actually being able to feel them. Talk about sensory overload.

Suffice to say that I am determined to never ever ever have another cavity for as long as I live, amen. Which means it is a good thing that I have also accomplished #87 on my list - 30 consecutive days of nightly teeth brushing. (I've heard that if you can do something 30 times in a row it starts to become a habit. AND I even managed to continue my new good habit outside of my normal environment and in an environment - my parents - at which I habitually relax my standards.) I was so lax in my night time routine, often so tired by the time I was getting into bed that it was so much easier to just crawl into bed and think I would just make up those 2 minutes in the morning. I have also added flossing and a mouth rinse. Lazy about my oral health no more.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Happiness

I've been thinking lately about what it means to be happy. Because I think that I am happy. And I want to qualify what is making me happy, as if I think that I could put these moments in a bottle and open it up at a later date to recreate this feeling of contentment.

There are things that are stressors in my life but they are by far overshadowed by the things that seem to be going well lately, by the feeling that I am starting to belong somewhere, by the occasional whisper of my psyche saying "yes! yes! life is good!". It has been a long time since I have been happy. Over the last year and a half I have been happier. But the way I feel right now - this is different. And I am scared that it will be fleeting and that I can't make it last. Part of me knows that I just have to enjoy this time for what it is, and believe that things will keep going well for me, that I will be able to handle anything that threatens to mar my happiness, that on days when I struggle there will be people there to help me through.

Part of me feels guilty for being so happy. Because what have I done to deserve this? Why are blessings befalling me while others are having a harder time? And then I think about the hard times (real or imagined) that I have so recently left behind and I convince myself again to just enjoy this time. To revel in the fact that walking through the door of my condo is enough to make me smile, that laughing and smiling in general comes much easier these days.

I think about all I have to look forward to in the next few months and I think that I am happy and I think that I shouldn't analyze how or why or when I should just smile and thank God for these moments.