Fragments

I'm still reeling from yesterdays migraine.

My mom told me not to worry. Was I worrying? she asked. The answer was yes even though I said no. I am not sure I am ready to talk about it yet.

Not sure that January is ending on a high note but overall the month has gone much better than anticipated. December was so ... I am not sure there is one word to describe it. I spent much of December in Edmonton and that was good and bad and neither all at once. I came to some pretty big realizations (not ready to talk about those either) and took what amounted to very large steps in some direction that I can only hope was the right one and was emotionally up and down and all over the map, beginning 2008 as a pool of tears on several peoples shoulders. When people asked what was wrong all I could do was sob that I didn't want to go home. Home being Calgary. Not home being Edmonton. (I find I very confusingly refer to both cities as home and not home and I apologize here and now for all the times I am sure I won't spell myself out. ) Everyone was super great about telling me I could come visit whenever I wanted and that I could stay at their place if I didn't want to stay at my parents and it was only 4 weeks until I saw the Scrapbooking Girls and only 3 weeks after that until Family Day and then there would be Beth's shower and ... But that wasn't the point exactly. While there are definitely days when I would like to go home (Edmonton) there is also at this point an overwhelming sense that I am supposed to be in Calgary. I don't know what that means or why I feel that way and often wonder if it is just my inability to give up and admit that I can't do this (this being living 3 hours away from my entire family/family of friends) except that I can do this and have been doing it and ... The point was that my whole world had fallen apart about oh, umpteen million times over the course of 31 days and I had kept it together because I was all cocooned in my safety net and every time I fell someone I loved was right there to catch me, whether they knew that's what they were doing or not. And I just knew that the aftermath of my falling apart was going to start hitting the fan and I was going to be in Calgary, alone, trying to catch myself and I didn't see how that was even remotely possible. But the aftermath ... well maybe it is still coming. Or maybe those phone calls to B and Dev coming for breakfast and lunch with Simone and Niki having me over for supper & an evening of Dallas and making tentative plans with Shannon to start a book club and dinner with Amanda and finding out from Chels that I could stay here indefinitely and writing again ... maybe those small and unrelated things were enough to hold me together or at least hold me still so that some of the fragmented pieces could settle.

4 years and growing ...

1. Finish Europe Scrapbook

It took me the better part of 4 years but I put the finishing touches on my Europe scrapbook over the weekend. I started scrapbooking the spring of 2004 after Kristy & Chantal came back from Mexico, almost a year after I took my trip with Beth & Mel. We still lived in the Party House and a group of us (Kristy, Chantal, Karen & Sabrina) would get together every couple of weeks to work on our individual projects together. Sabrina is our "dealer", she works for a scrapbooking company so she is our direct line to papers, stickers and all the cool tools that make scrapbooking an absolute addiction. As our lives got busier we found less and less time to make scrapbooking a group activity, but still get together periodically to share ideas, trade tools and tips and provide positive feedback about eachothers work.

We spent this last weekend at a bed & breakfast near Ferintosh - scrapbooking, socializing and getting pampered by our hosts. They provide 3 square meals a day, a huge room to spread out our projects, a hot tub, lots of beds and as many cinnamon buns as your heart desires (not to mention tarts, pudding, pancakes and an amazing dessert that tasted exactly like a drumstick). I enjoy scrapbooking - it combines my love of taking pictures with my penchant for hanging on to assorted oddments that I pick up along my travels AND I get to hang out with 4 girls I don't spend nearly enough time with now that I am in Calgary (and who am I kidding, in the last year before I left for Calgary). I also find scrapbooking challenging which is why I prefer to do it in a group setting so that I can get opinions and positive reinforcement that my efforts don't look like crap.

I'm not quite sure how to explain why I find scrapbooking so challenging. It's not exactly that I don't think I am a creative person - but it's not a part of my brain I use very often so my creative skills are a little rusty. And I have always been told that I am no artist - which is true in the sense that I couldn't draw a stick person to save my life - but I am starting to realize that you can be artistic in ways that don't involve drawing or painting and I like that scrapbooking is an outlet that allows me to find my inner artist and to express myself in ways I might not otherwise be able to. I have ideas for other projects now that the Europe book is complete, a little smaller than scale but by no means less important to telling a story about who I am and where I have come from. I'm looking for other ways to tell that story - blogging here more often is going to be another outlet, buying a new camera and taking more photos is a top priority. It's all about opening myself up to new ways of expressing myself, new ways of thinking about communication, new ways of figuring out exactly who I was and who I am becoming.

More than a list

I've been thinking a lot about goals lately, as I review my old 101 list and try to create my new 101 list (I'm at 98). About how setting goals is a good way to really think about where you are and where you want to be and what you want to do along the way. About how accomplishing your goals is fulfilling and provides a sense of moving forward. About how some goals are easily quantifiable and have an obvious end and how other goals are just kind of ethereal and hard to pin down as totally done because they never are, not really.

I've been thinking about how great it is that I accomplished 73 things that I set out to do almost 3 years ago now. And how while that is fantastic and amazing ... well what about those 28 that I didn't finish? Why didn't I finish them? Did I fail by not finishing them? And there is no real definitive answer. To any of the questions. I guess who I am now is different and the same as who I was 3 years ago. I guess I have different goals and different dreams and at the same time I have some of the same goals and dreams and it is very confusing at times. To figure out who I was and who I am and who I want to be. Who I want to be to myself and who I want to be to others. I have tendrils of thoughts that almost come close to being answers but they are difficult to grasp and almost always when I am half asleep.

I've been thinking about all of the really cool stuff I did in 3 years, all the not so cool stuff, all the happy and sad and extraordinarily painful moments, all the things I would never have thought to put on my 101 list but that happened anyways and have helped to shape the way my life is heading today. Not only did I go to Greece, but I flew overseas and saw most of Athens by myself and then spent the rest of my 10 days having a very fabulous time with my parents and meeting a lot of people from Holland. I went up two Acropolises (Acropoli?) and one of them involved a donkey. I went to game 6 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. I got a new job (on the list) and it involved moving (not on the list) all by myself to a city where I really knew no one and without my BFF to hold my hand. I saw one of my best friends get married - was her maid of honor, hand made invitations, learned enough about powerpoint to make a slideshow, wrote and said a speech, got seranaded, and had actual conversations with boys from highschool who used to terrify me. I hit Las Vegas twice, kissed a real live baseball player, took a road trip to Palm Springs, went to LA and saw Wicked (!!) at the Pantages Theatre. I met Simone, her fabulous family, and got to be part of her entire pregnancy. I have a better relationship with my mom than ever before. I did readings at my grandmothers funeral. I bought a new car.

I guess what I am trying to tell myself is that while it is well and good to have a list of things I would like to do, it is also more than acceptable to not do all of those things, to have my priorities shift or change all together and to have experiences that I never would have had the foresight to plan out on paper.

Wrap up

I realized a while back that the deadline for my 101 things in 1001 days has long since come and gone. So the other day I did my final tally and was pleasantly surprised to find that I had completed 73 items on my list and had started work on several of the last 28. (Yay!) This was much better than anticipated, especially considering some of the stuff I thought was a long shot (Greece) actually managed to get knocked off. It even inspired me to make up a new list, which at this point I am not going to post publicly but may use as fodder for future entries if the results are interesting enough. I will mention one goal that does affect this site though, which is to write a minimum of 36 new entries ... I figure that means writing at least once a month and although I am hoping to write more than that, once a month will be a good start if nothing else.

The last few days have been mostly good, even though I feel terribly burnt out at work what with the short staffing and all. I still love my job but half staff with no end in sight is not very fun even when you are doing something you love. The one bleak spot was finding out that Simone is 99% for sure moving back to Edmonton, which means a)if our head office can't accomodate her living in Edmonton when she is done her mat leave we are down another person and b)one of my best girls will no longer live in the same city as me. Who will I have TV nights and dinners with? When will I get to see 2 of my favorite boys? But this is not about me, and I know how much Simone has wanted to go back to Edmonton and how unhappy she has been alone in Chestermere while her husband works out of town so much of the time. So I am honestly happy for her and think this will be a good step for her.

I think part of our bond, aside from automatically being kindred spirits, is that we are both displaced Edmontonians. We understand what it is like to love our job but not really feel at home in Calgary, to worry about being so far away if something were to happen to someone that we love. In some ways it is different because as much as there are hard days and moments when I wish I could just go home I also feel like Calgary is where I am supposed to be. I feel like given enough time I can make Calgary work for me. It is hard to find the balance though - between going home often enough that I don't get homesick and super lonely for my family & friends, and staying in Calgary for long enough periods to feel like I am starting to have a life and make friends here. Trial and error and baby steps I guess.

Step 1

A lot has changed in the last year.
Actually a lot has changed in the last month.

Good changes I think, even though I am still reeling from certain self-revelations and not entirely sure what it all means yet. Kind of like I burst through a shell that I didn't even know existed, never mind that it was holding me back. But the last few weeks have been tentative steps forward and even if I can't quite quantify all or any of it, something is different. The same but different.

I still don't quite know where I fit in or belong. I still feel torn between Edmonton and Calgary - both of them being home but not home at the same time. I still have the urge to write but the fear of actually opening up to others and to myself, as well as feeling like my life is too routine to actually be an interesting read and that while I probably possess the skills to make it an interesting read ... what if I fail? Clearly I have not made much progress in my attempts to get over my fear of failure.

I am kind of sad at the moment. For a lot of reasons but mainly because moving forward (even if it is at a snail's pace) definitely means leaving certain things behind and/or having a different relationship with some people/things. But in some ways I have been holding on to an ideal that never really was, or hasn't been for a long time, and I have to let that go. For example: my friendship circle is not the same as it was 4ish years ago when I lived in the Party House and the majority of my friends also lived in the University area and it was so easy to find time to hang out and get a group together. People have moved away, time is more of a luxury these days ... the list can go on. And while there are times, like Christmas, when most people come back and it feels like the old days again ... those old days are gone and the friendships are different. Not necessarily a bad thing. But an important thing for me to realize when I compare my life now to my life then.

The other thing I have realized is that no matter the distance, even if they can't swing by at the drop of a hat anymore, there are people in that circle who love me unconditionally. At the moment I am not entirely sure I deserve that. But they are there whenever I need my pieces put back together. They have always been there: when I didn't want my pieces put back together, when they didn't know why I needed to be put back together, when I didn't realize I needed to be put back together. They are the glue that has held me together and I am not sure if I have ever said thank-you. I am not sure if saying thank-you is even remotely enough.

Oh Dear

So I am just going to stop promising that I am going to update more frequently because clearly that is just a waste of my time and yours (if you are still reading). I'll write when I write and that's just going to have to be good enough for all of us.
I keep wondering why I am not writing and there are many theories, some of which are valid and others are just me making up excuses because I don't want to delve too deep into my psyche. Because while many aspects of my life are better at the moment I am still plenty screwed up and scared and I'm just not sure I want to get in to all that. Mostly because I don't want to admit to myself that there is still so far for me to travel. And also I am starting to think that my self-perfectionism is really and truly overrated and I should just let myself fuck up once in a while. Although I am wondering if I stopped putting pressure on myself who would there be to challenge me and push me to be the best person I can be? It is doubtful that there are people waiting in the sidelines wanting to fill those shoes. So I have to dig deep to motivate myself, to get myself there - wherever the hell there actually is. Maybe there is a happy medium - I can push myself to outer limits and learn to accept failure when it happens. My new trainer is teaching me a lot about that. Failure is good! she always tells me. When you fail and pick up and keep going, when you feel that deep burn, that's love! I think she is one of the most inspirational women I have ever met and I know quite a few inspirational women so that is saying something. So that is what I am working on - accepting that I might fail and that doesn't make me a bad person. Trying again and again and again if that's what it takes to get there. Accepting that "there" is completely and totally subjective and it is ok if I am not where I thought I wanted to be or where others think I should be or 100% in line with where I perceive everyone else to be. I don't have to fit in, I just have to be strong within myself and keep moving.
I struggle with feelings of inadequacy on a daily basis. Some days are better than others, over the last years more days have been good than bad. But I still struggle and I still fall and these last weeks have been hard on me, although I doubt many people would know that. No one asks and I don't feel comfortable telling. I've retreated a little bit into my shell and I am working on poking my head back out there again. I just wish once it would come easy.
Met a boy recently, and it could be something, could be nothing, doesn't matter really. What matters is that it brought up all my crazy fears again. But I didn't sabotage myself at that first meeting and I guess all I can do is take baby steps and try to be self aware and not sabotage myself if we meet again. Because I have this crazy broken instinct where I run everytime a nice boy gets too close and then overcompensate by sticking around WAY too long when the jerks come calling.
So that's how I am. Confused and messed up and working through it.

A plan

I know, I know. My last post is all these are my goals and I am well aware that one of them was to write more. And have I done that? Well I could pretend that I have updated my paper journal (and I have, twice) but really there has been not so much with the writing. And not so much with the self reflecting - I think this is being reflected in the fact that I am up around 4 am every morning with my brain whirling madly. And at 4 am I am not so inclined to delve deep into my psyche, I just want to go back to sleep for 2 more hours so that I can make it through my very busy day. So I have settled on a plan that I am hoping will help me sleep through the night and also mean that you (is there anyone still reading?) will hear more from me here. It's a plan, not a promise, keep in mind. But I figure since I am up anyways and since technically I don't have to be at work until 8:45 (9 shortly since I don't get summer flex days) and I don't really need 2.5 hours to get ready that I will use my free morning time to do some writing. As of right now I have a lot of work and have been going in early but I am getting close to caught up so the plan should work.

Of course part of the plan is going to involve some self-ass-kicking to motivate me to actually share some of the details of my life and to do some of that inner soul searching that I have been avoiding - starting to feel a little bit like Scarlett O'Hara with all the "I'll think about it tomorrows" that have been going on. And I know that if I let it tomorrow will never come.

Busy busy at the moment helping to plan Miss Cordelia's wedding ... some days it feels like MY wedding which is nice in some ways because I have never really been this involved in a wedding before and Cordelia is one of my best friends and I am so excited to share her day with her. In other ways it is not so nice because I do silly things like make shower invitations from scratch and spend 2 hours going through pictures of people I don't really know for the slide show AND I have to write a speech. It's not that there isn't anything to say, it's that there is too much to say and I am not entirely sure how to say it. And also my teeny tiny fear of public speaking. I just really have to sit down and start and I am sure the words will flow ... I am just scared they won't capture the essence of how I feel or what I want to say, or that it will be too in-between friends and no one else will get it or care. I guess I just have to accept that as long as I speak from the heart it doesn't matter if anyone cares as long as it is meaningful to Cordie but that isn't stopping the pressure I am putting on myself.

Goals:2007

So it is a little bit late for me to be all New Years resolutiony and favorite memories from 2006 blah blah blah. Which usually isn't really me anyways. At least not in any sort of tangible format that I can come back and look upon and realize how badly I have strayed or how different my life has become and how I have ended up somewhere weirdly wonderful that I never anticipated in my wildest dreams. Life's funny like that. And some days I think I would like more of a documentation of my hopes and dreams, awkward moments and heartaches. I just wish I was a little better at translating my thoughts and sometimes fleeting feelings into the written word, a little bit more comfortable sharing those parts of me with those of you still reading.

But I have been thinking lately about how things have changed and how things are changing and I guess in some ways I wonder if making a list of what I hope to accomplish in 2007 will at least give me the pretense of some sort of control over my life. Because it is changing and I am changing and sometimes I wonder what would happen if things just stopped for a second, would I have some understanding of the master plan? would I feel less reactionary? would I feel like I was actually making a difference? Or would I just fixate on things that in the grand scheme of things, in retrospect, never really mattered.

So here we go.

1. Volunteer somewhere
2. Continue meeting new people (so far the people Calgary has introduced into my life have been fantastic - Jenna, Brom, Grant, Crystal (Orlando!!), Simone to name but a few - so I am hoping I continue to have luck in this area)
3. Be better informed
4. Read more
5. Get over the AWKWARD and see where things lead
6. Visit: Vancouver, Las Vegas and where ever B ends up in the fall, Edmonton (but I think that goes without saying)
7. Buy a new car
8. Figure out a long term place to live - buy a condo?? (I'm freaking out here)
9. Continue to excel at my job, continue to love my job, continue to learn how to do my job better
10. Sing more, dance more, play more
11. Figure out what to say and how to say it (speech for my sister's wedding)
12. Lose the "Freshman 10" I've gained since moving to Calgary
13. Enjoy a healthy lifestyle - eat better, work out consistently, listen to my body
14. Learn
15. Love
16. Dream
17. Be less critical of myself
18. Be bold
19. Write more (which I know I keep saying. I blame working on a computer all day meaning I never want to turn mine on when I'm at home. But I can keep a paper journal. Or suck it up and turn on my computer anyways.)
20. Write honestly
21. Keep in touch with those I love
22. Be creative
23. Take photos
24. Worry less - make the most informed decisions possible and accept that what will be will be.
25. Phase out negativity
26. BE - be happy, sad, angry, frustrated, scared. Don't apologize for it.
27. bake, cook, explore new foods
28. Move on - get rid of the jacket, confront the insecurities, dare to be hurt again. It really is time.
29. Move forward
30. Embrace change - it certainly isn't going anywhere

Liberally Conservative

I had my first Calgary haircut today. I was more than a little nervous because while I have had some fabulous stylists (hi Yames, hi Elena!!) I have also had more than my fair share of not so fabulous stylists - remember the mullet?? To be fair it is possible that they were not so bad and it was just that my hair is particularly finicky but still. No one likes a bad hair cut.

I got advice from one of my co-workers ... (I seriously think they should write a book based on all of my questions, they would make a lot of money selling to new Calgarians who possibly have the same questions and also the businesses they recommend should give a little kickback because they would be swimming in new customers. And with good reason as my girls have never steered me wrong yet. ) But I was still worried, what if her hair wasn't as temperamental as mine? (likely) what if I got lost (even more likely) and was late thereby making a bad impression? what if we had nothing to talk about and I sat there for 2.5 hours and hoped for conversational inspiration and then hated my haircut? I could go on but seeing as how I should be getting ready for my company Christmas party I won't.

However, as usual (you'd think I would get the hint and stop worrying already), my fears were groundless. I didn't get lost, Will (my new STRAIGHT stylist - this is a first) was more than fabulous and my hair is ... how did we decide to put it ... Liberally Conservative. He assures me that if I have any problems I can come back and he will do a touch up for free and that he cut just enough off so that I can go my customary 3 months before visiting him again. Plus he informed me several times that I was absolutely gorgeous, that I would be stunning at my party tonight, that I have an amazing personality to go with my super good looks, that I am generally amazing and intelligent and wonderful. If you think his flurry of compliments earned him a nice tip you would be right. But I honestly think he was being genuine and it was nice to feel pampered and appreciated for a couple of hours.

Suddenly (like magic) I float

Apparently the trick to making something part of your routine is to do it daily for a minimum of 28 days. You have to really concentrate for the first little while but then suddenly like magic it's old hat. One of the things I want to make part of my daily life again is writing - here, in my journal, somewhere, just writing. Unfortunately with the very long list of things I want to change and the equally long list of things that are changing without my consent writing has been pushed to the back of the line. Maybe next month I keep telling myself. And the days go by and I don't write and it gets easier and easier. But I feel as though by shoving the writer in me into a dark corner I am not being entirely true to myself. So here I go, attempting to begin again, to find the words that I have been meaning to say.

I went to my second Calgary yoga class today. I took yoga for 2 years in Edmonton with my dad but this class is very different. For one thing, it is just me. But then everything in Calgary is pretty much just me at the moment. So it is kind of weird to not go with my dad and not see the same people that I saw every Monday, and not have it be my old instructor. And it has been almost 6 months since my last class so I feel very rusty and out of practice ... for the first time I feel like I am at the weak link in the class. Everyone else seems more flexible, more focused, more everything. Which I shouldn't even be thinking about because part of the mentality of yoga is to honor your own body, to listen to your own body, to accept your own body. I am especially not very good at the last one. I am sure all that I had learned in my previous practices will come back to me (apparently I have very good muscle memory) and my body will begin to stretch out once again and my mind will find focus and until that point I will just do my best to block out the white noise from the rest of my week.

One of the things I love about yoga, or I guess that I love about myself in yoga practice is that at some point the rest of the world just melts away. It doesn't matter that there is a work crisis that I will have to deal with on Monday, it doesn't matter that I got caught up in the crisis and left work late and was almost late for class, it doesn't matter that I have 4 million things to do before I head home for Christmas and only 7 more days to do them in, it doesn't matter that I am worried that I am going to be lonely with my one new very good friend in New Zealand for a month ... all that matters is my breathing and my body ... all that I have to concentrate on is being strong and breathing deep and listening to my inner rhythm. All I have to do is be. Be present in the moment, in the stretch (or asana), in myself. And I float. When it has been a particularly good class I float for hours after and life is good and I am at peace.

I didn't think I would miss yoga as much as I did and I am very excited to have found a class that fits into my schedule and that is challenging for me. I was a little worried that it was too challenging but my instructor assures me that while there are a few areas that are definitely tight and need tweaking my practice is strong and I should do just fine. It seems like a bit of a younger crowd and the studio is warm and inviting and the other people who take the class seem very nice. So maybe I might even meet a few people.

Outside of my comfort zone ...

People keep asking me why I moved away. And it's not an easy question to answer. There are so many answers and all of them feel like half-truths.

I guess in its simplest form the truth is this: I moved because some voice deep inside told me that I had to. I moved to gain some distance and perspective, to carve MY life for MYself, to take a job opportunity that had presented itself. But mostly I moved because I couldn't not move. Or I couldn't stay where I was. However you want to put it.

People keep telling me that I am so brave to have moved. To have come to a strange city where I really know no one. To have come by myself, for myself, with only myself to rely on. That I am brave and adventurous to be exploring the city, finding the gyms and the stores and the classes and the places (and hopefully eventually the friends) that I want in my daily life. Most days it doesn't feel brave at all. Some days it feels like I ran away from a lot of problems I didn't want to deal with and I am not sure where the bravery is in that. I ran to a better and safer and healthier place but I still ran. I'm changing myself but I'm not changing the realities I left behind. Is there really bravery to be found here?

I guess the fact that I am aware that there are still problems from my past to be faced counts for something. I am gathering strength to deal with them when they rear their ugly heads as I am sure they will. I am gathering happiness and positive moments and inner peace. And when the time comes I will deal the best way I know how. And I will pick up my pieces and move forward with what is left when the time comes.

One of the things BW always said to me was that I had to push myself, I had to live outside of my comfort zone, I had to try as hard as I could and then I had to try a little bit harder than that. Not because I am not good enough the way that I am but because I deserve more than I could ever imagine. I think those words (or at least my paraphrase of his words) will be with me forever. I hear them at the gym when I feel too tired to run another minute or do another set or try a harder exercise. I hear them every morning when I get up and face another day on my own. I hear them when I am too scared to try and find a new place or meet a new person or try something new. Those words are like a battering ram that chip away at my inhibitions and make me into a better person. They are my mantra, my driving force, my will to keep growing and changing one day at a time.

A New Beginning

One of my goals, now that I have regular internet access that is not work based, is to start writing here again. Although now that I have stopped for a while, and to be truthful was never really good at updating almost the whole year I lived at home ... well the idea of writing here again seems a little daunting. How to express myself, what to share, how to capture exactly what I am feeling and thinking and doing. I know that with practice the skills of self expression will come back, will improve. I guess I just have to accept (and ask you to accept) that this may be little more than a laundry list as I get the hang of things again. Assuming I ever had the hang of things in the first place. But if writing here (anywhere) is as important to me as it seems to be I have to let go of the fear and just breathe and let it all out.
And yes, I have goals here. And to-do lists that reach as far as next Christmas and dreams that stretch further than I can imagine right now. I am slowly building a life for myself here. More slowly than I would like some days but for the most part I am happy and content. So happy and content that I am almost not sure it is actually me living my life. Things are not perfect by any means, and there are moments of intense homesickness but there are also moments of feeling like this is exactly where I should be, this is what I should be doing, this is who I should be becoming. So while my moving away from everything and everyone I have ever loved has been a very big ending, in many ways it has been an even bigger beginning.

Quick note ...

I just wanted to say that things are going really well and I love my job and I will write more frequently and in more detail hopefully starting in a month once I have regular internet access again.

I'll find my way ...

Maybe not always, but for as long as I can remember I have always been waiting for that bolt of inspiration to hit me. I've believed somehow (who really knows where beliefs come from?) that one day I would wake up and know who I was and where I fit in and what I wanted to be when I grew up and just exactly how to get there. But it seems that everytime I start to think that maybe it is coming together; maybe I have an idea of what the big picture would look like; maybe this is who I am and what I want and where I am going ... well then in one big explosion of chaos everything changes and I'm back at square one again and things look a little different. Or a lot different. Or practically unrecognizable.

So I am moving in a week. Giving up my job which I know and well, don't exactly love but KNOW. Giving up my room and my city and my routine and my friends and everything else that seems to make up any semblance of how I know myself. And I wonder: Will I be different in a different city? Will I be happy? Will I make new friends and find new routines? Everyone else seems to be so sure that I will be just fine. Everyone else has always seemed to believe in me more than I have ever believed in myself. And I don't think it is low self-esteem exactly ... I've just never really thought of myself as having a major impact on the world - I get up, I go to work, I do my thing. I don't change lives, I just do the best that I can and often feel like my best is not enough because people are always always always asking me to give more.

Only now that I am leaving it is occuring to me that maybe I make more of an impression than I thought ... Everywhere I go people are telling me how sorry they are to see me leave - the ladies at the bank, customers I didn't even realize knew my name, my parents' neighbours, my dr, my therapist ... they all tell me that I am a wonderful and amazing woman and wish me the best of luck. And it is sort of bizarre to me and I keep wondering how exactly I managed to fool so many people ... My mom says I need to get a better grip on reality - it's like when I was in Gr 1 and on the honor roll but in tears because I didn't think I was smart (honor roll equals smart) or now when I ask if I look fat (size 4 does not equal fat) - and of course I am wonderful and amazing (Cara equals wonderful and amazing) see how this works? And my therapist says that when the negative thoughts start creeping around and trying to take root that I just need to tell them to stop - stop creeping, stop niggling, stop worrying. Which, let me tell you, is a lot easier in theory than in practice.

I've come a long ways. Maybe you wouldn't believe that from this entry. But the fact that I am writing about how scared I am right now should be some sort of proof because mostly I try to keep those tiny cracks in my armor to myself. Which maybe you also wouldn't believe if you've dealt with my drama and my confusion - big sweeping problems I am good with sharing. But believe me: I've come a long ways. And I'm going places - even if I don't know where they are or how to get there. I'll find my way.

Deja Vu

It's like my first day of Gr 9 ... I'm freaking out about everything under the sun (hi, have we met? I over react and blow things out of proportion .. but in all honestly Summer of 1994 was one of the worst in recollection) and I show up at school only to find out that my 3 best friends are in one class and I'm all alone in the other.
Of course back in Gr 9 I was able to pull some strings and get moved into my friends French class to help ease the transition ... today there are no strings to pull, no safety nets ....
And I know that these are great changes and I am going to be a better person for all of it - one of the best things that came from the big split up is my friendship with B - and I also know that just because things are going to be different it doesn't mean they're going to be OVER - look at my friendship with Niki ... but I still can't help wishing my life didn't feel like such a freefall at the moment.
But I'll fix a smile on my face and fake it til I make it ... not a lot of other choices at the moment.

#30 - Find a new job

I start September 5!!!

And I am so excited you don't even understand.

I would promise a more substantial update but right now there are too many words and too many changes.

Here's a secret ...

Sometimes I lie. And I'm not always proud of that fact because it usually makes me feel like I have something to be ashamed about. And I wish that I could be stronger and tell the truth all the time. And I wish even more that I could always be the person everyone else seems to want me to be because then maybe I would feel like I belong again. And by everyone else I probably mean no one because it's all in my head.

But the thing with lying ... well, I usually do it because a)I am not sure what the truth actually is or b) I feel like the truth would rock the boat too much. And when people accept my lie - when I know they know it's a lie - then it feels (to me) like they are giving me permission to continue lying. Like they are agreeing that the truth would rock the boat and it is better that I keep up the pretense that my lie is the truth. So my one little lie grows into several and at the end of the day does anybody really know me anymore? Do I even know myself?

I want to be secure in the knowledge that no matter how many times I screw up (and I know better than anyone that it's a lot) there will be people in my life who will stand by me and help me pick up the pieces. Even if (and maybe especially when) they know/feel that I am wrong to choose the path I'm taking. I'd like to be trusted to make my own mistakes. And maybe that's a lot to ask and maybe it's more a matter of trusting myself and plowing ahead and maybe it's all just an illusion.

Note to Self

Self: Please, please, please, please, please, please (please?) learn that whenever a guy tells you that he really likes you but he doesn't want to date anyone right now what he really means is that he doesn't want to date YOU and the likelyhood of him turning around and dating someone else in about 2.5 nanoseconds and then bitching to you about it when it doesn't work out because you're friends right? is about, oh, roughly .. 100%.

I'm so done.

GREECE!!

The Parthenon at the top of Athens Acropolis
For all intents & purposes, we stayed on the Mediterranean side

of Rhodes, so this is the Mediterranean Sea.

An olive grove - olives are very important to Greece
My mom's Octopus Salad. You probably had to be there but

hearing her go on about the "squiggly bits" was pretty

hysterical. Also, Mythos, the local Greek beer.

An ancient stadium at Delphi to give you a taste of some ruins

A donkey ride up to the Acropolis at Lindos.

Learning how to Greek dance.

49 in 540

February 5, 2005 to November 2, 2007

1.Finish my Europe Scrapbook

2.Make a CD for Kristy

3.Have coffee with Terry

4.Rewrite my resume - completed April 16, 2005

5.Go to the strippers with B & Neil - completed April 16, 2005

6.Continue working out minimum of 2x per week (preferably 4x) for all 1001 days

7.Read a minimum of 50 new books by January 23, 2006:
50 down; 0 to go - completed January 23, 2006

8.Buy a condo

9.Save for & go to Greece – completed April 26 to May 6, 2006

10.Make the skirt that Chantal and I bought fabric for in October 2003

11.Pay off my edited to line of credit

12.Take a class – cooking, dance, pottery, photography, whatever: completed October 2005 - I've been taking step classes at the local gym

13.Visit Dave (I’ve only been promising for 2 years)- completed October 19-23,2005

14.Take a road trip - completed July 30 - August 3, 2005

15.Replace the battery in my watch/buy a new watch - completed March 19, 2004

16.Date someone for more than 2 seconds

17.Get a (at least one) professional massage - accomplished April 20, 2005

18.Learn a little HTML – I would be happy if I could add links in/to my entries - completed October 21, 2005

19.Do a perfect squat: completed July 21, 2005

20.Read something by Jane Austen

21.Drink an entire beer without once making my patented “This is terrible!” face - completed June 24, 2005

22.Renew my passport - completed July 27, 2005

23.Watch Season 7 of Buffy with B - completed March 25, 2005

24.Make cabbage rolls

25.Make perogies

26.Donate to 4 charities: 5 down 0 to go - completed September 16, 2005

27.Read 10 non-fiction books
5 down; 5 to go

28.Return the 4 books that have been sitting on my shelf waiting to go home for ages - completed May 11, 2005

29.Go to Vegas with the Trio of Trouble

30.Find a new job

31.Make a pie

32.Go to the zoo - completed July 30, 2005

33.Go to a museum – completed April 28, 2006

34.Go houseboating (even if I have to be in charge of organizing it)

35.Buy more pillows for my bed - completed February 12,2005

36.Buy a book of blender drinks - completed February 9, 2005

37.Buy (and use) shoe racks - completed February 19, 2005

38.Go skinny dipping

39.Buy fun new sheets

40.Learn how to drive stick

41.Try snowboarding

42.Eat at 6 new restaurants
a)Bulgogi House: February 10,2005
b)Dynasty (Dim Sum): February 20, 2005
c)Culina: May 28, 2005
d)Mongolie Grill: June 1, 2005
e)Langano Skies: November 2, 2005
f) I'm counting this done cause I went to a trillion new restaurants in Greece

43.Visit Donna & Foreman (not Wisconsin)

44.Visit Warmer than Here

45.Buy a plant - completed February 19, 2005

46.And keep it alive for at least 6 months: completed August 19, 2005 (yes it is still alive today)

47.Have brunch with Stan: completed November 2, 2005 (technically it was supper but I'm counting it cause the goal was to spend time with Stan)

48.Clean out/organize drawers & closet - completed August 7, 2005

49.Play in the park: completed August 20, 2005

50.Fly a kite

51.Have a picnic lunch

52.Get drunk with Emily and swing on the swings in Gyro Park

53.See 5 plays - completed November 9, 2005
a)The Salon of the Talking Turk - March 4, 2005
b)Romeo & Juliet - July 5, 2005
c)Songs for a New World - August 24, 2005
d)Mamma Mia! - September 7, 2005
e)Chicago - November 9, 2005
f)At the Xenith of the Empire - November 10, 2005

54.Go on ebay

55.And actually buy something

56.Watch a porno

57.Make garlic toast that doesn’t make B gag - completed March 18, 2004

58.Go on an overnight hike

59.Take my used books to a used book store

60.Get a pedicure: completed May 18, 2005

61.Take a strippercise class with B - completed June 30, 2005

62.Go horseback riding – completed May 3, 2006 (technically it was a donkey but I’m counting it)

63.Go bowling

64.Watch the second half of Sex in the City Season 6 with Kristy - completed April 26, 2005

65.Go to the beach 3 times
a)Lake Invermere - July 31, 2005
b)Wasa Lake - August 2, 2005
c)Michelon Lake - August 21, 2005

66.Go camping: completed July 1-3, 2005

67.Get a library card - completed February 21, 2002

68.Buy something from a sex toy party/store

69.Make seafood crepes

70.Have a chocolate fondue night: completed January 6, 2006

71.Spend a full day at the spa

72.Get a new makeup bag - completed February 19, 2005

73.Buy a new TV

74.Drink a Hurricane

75.Go for a dress up supper

76.Do an entire crossword without getting help once: completed August 22, 2005

77.Watch Gone With the Wind

78.Clean out my car - completed August 4, 2005

79.Buy Season 1 of CSI - completed June 10, 2005

80.Replace the mats in my car with plastic ones

81.Throw a dinner party: completed December 18, 2005 (I am deciding that Pseudo Christmas counts)

82.Buy flowers for someone, just because - completed April 7, 2005

83.Buy myself flowers - completed April 2, 2005

84.Fix my frog prince (Greg did this for me)- completed November 11, 2005

85.Send 10 pieces of fun mail: 10 down;0 to go - I am considering this done cause I mailed out way more than 10 Christmas cards with personal notes and all. completed December 9, 2005

86.Go skiing

87.Buy a dress coat - completed November 11, 2005

88.Spend an afternoon shopping on Whyte Ave - completed April 2, 2005

89.Have a date with Beth & Melly & Terry

90.Eat Gelato – completed May 3, 2006

91.Go to a wine tasting – completed May 1, 2006

92.Go see a psychic/palm reader

93.Volunteer somewhere

94.Take a roll of black & white photos

95.Watch the sun rise

96.Take pictures of the city skyline from my current balcony: completed May 29, 2005

97.Go stargazing

98.Go skating

99.Go canoeing

100.Have a waterfight

101. Have hair long enough to put in braids again – completed May 4, 2006

* italics denote works in progress