Smart & Beautiful (tm)

Nonsensical

2009-08-30T17:10:00.000-07:00

I've been mulling over these thoughts in my head for days now. But the words? They will not gel, they will not form a coherent thread. They jump all over the place, from thought to thought. All connectedly unconnected and coherently incoherent.

It's like how when you first wake up from a dream and everything makes sense but then 5 seconds later the world makes less sense and you didn't write down the answers to the questions you didn't know you had. But now you have them! If you could only remember.

It's like how a problem has a totally theoretical solution. It can be fixed in the abstract. But sometimes when you apply the solutions that should work they just make everything more of a mess.

It's like how sometimes things just fall into place. Like putting together a puzzle and you searched and searched for that one piece of blue sky with the slight grey on the one edge and the slight green on the other and suddenly there it is right on top in a place you looked 1,000 times. And it makes no logical sense that those pieces weren't there before and it makes even less sense that they are there now.

It's like how sometimes things are just easy. You say all the right things or maybe the wrong ones but it doesn't matter because you are saying them. And all that matters is that moment, not what came before or what comes next.

Trying

2009-08-16T08:25:00.000-07:00

Every time I sit and stare at this blank page I think about how hard it is to start again. I think about how many thoughts and feelings and ideas I have to fill up this space, about which blip of conciousness I am going to choose to share, about how many moments I choose not to share. I think about how much easier it seems to close the window and make this blank page go away.

I have learned, over and over again it seems, that shutting my eyes and pretending doesn't freeze time, doesn't make the pain less painful, doesn't make the happy less joyous, doesn't mean things won't change. I am still learning this, still blindly hoping that the good moments will freeze and the bad ones will fast forward on by ... all the while acknowledging that without those bad moments I would not have grown, would not be the person that I am becoming.

I think in some ways I have always felt a little bit like expressing myself here was a bit of a cop-out, a way of avoiding expressing myself in person. I didn't (and don't) want anyone that I care about reading something here and thinking "I really wish she would have told me that she felt that way". I don't want this to be the crutch I use when I am too scared or nervous to say something face to face. That being said, I don't want to feel like I shouldn't write because I am scared that what my stream of conciousness brings to the paper will be a major revelation. I am going to work on trying to balance those two extremes.

I have been thinking a lot about friendships lately. About why some people stay in my life and why some people fade into the background, about why some friendships are ok with long gaps of not talking and others need daily attention, about how some people know me on a deep level and others know me on a totally superficial one and how sometimes it seems totally backwards that the people who know me deeply (or have the potential to know me deeply)are who they are.

I have been re-connecting with people from my past over the last month or so and that has left me pondering how much I have really changed over the last 10 or so years. I know that I have changed, I know that I am not the same person that I was when I went to camp or when I spent time in University courses with these people. But I am starting to think that it is not so much that I have changed on a fundamental level but that I have changed in how I express those values and ideals that I have always had. I guess what I mean is that the core of who I am is not different, but my level of acceptance of myself and my ability to stay true to myself has changed. I am less likely (although it is not out of the realm of possibility) to do something or say something just to fit in. I am trying to mean what I say and say what I mean. With an emphasis on the trying.

Things: A Meme

2009-02-01T11:37:00.000-08:00

There is this meme floating around on Facebook but I decided to do it here because Facebook is not exactly the place I go to share my deepest thoughts and secrets. It is a place where I share bits and pieces of my life but not necessarily the big stuff, the real stuff. You know?
So I have seen a few examples and it is unclear just how many things you are supposed to share, some say 10, some are 19, some are 25 ... I guess I am just going to share until I get tired and that will be how many things you will have learned about me today.

1. My name means friend. My parents chose it because Friend was my mom's last name and there were only daughters in her family. I try to emulate my name and what it means to be a part of that family. I am not sure I always do a good job, or that trying is enough. But there it is.

2. I lost 3 of the people I loved most in the world in 2008. I thought that losing those people would kill me. But I am still here. Taking things day by day, trying to put my pieces back together. A numb shell of my former self. I am not sure anyone notices the difference.

3. I keep telling myself that despite what I lost, despite that void feeling so very huge and black and despairing, there are good things in my life. And I know that this is true. There are things and people that I love. There are moments of happiness, however fleeting. There are things like New Orleans and Vegas and a summer wedding to look forward to. There are reasons to wake up and get through the day. And so I do.

4. I have a recurring dream where I have lost something and I am crying and searching desperately to find it. Do you know how it feels to wake up and realize that what you lost was something that you never actually had?

5. I often overthink things. I often feel guilty about things over which I have no control. I remember in great detail times when I have hurt people in the past and I wish that my actions had never caused those people pain. I know that in life it is impossible not to hurt people but I wish it was easier to always treat people excellently while treating yourself excellently as well.

6. I caved in to peer pressure and tried online dating. I guess technically I am still trying it since I haven't taken my profile down. But I haven't really enjoyed the experience. I'm not really interested in IMing someone I hardly know, I feel like I don't have enough time (or energy to make time) for the people who are important to me so why would I want to waste any of that precious time on a guy who can barely construct a sentence let alone spell half the words in said sentence. And then when I meet them - there was the guy who lied about who he was, the guy with the dead grandma, the guy who made me feel like if I misrepresented myself even just a little bit he would leave me on a street corner. Seriously. Not my thing at the moment.

7. Loud noises scare me and make me uncomfortable. My mom likes to tell the story about how she would call out the window to my dad and she would have to raise her voice so he could hear her over the lawnmower and this would inevitably lead to me sobbing uncontrollably. Despite being uncomfortable, I am friends with a lot of loud people.

8. I am terrified of caterpillars. I am convinced that one day I will be sitting under a tree, minding my own business and a caterpillar will fall on my head and crawl in my hair. This might be irrational. But I try not to sit under trees just in case.

9. I am terrified of needles. But my friend Simone convinced me to donate blood on her behalf while she was pregnant and now I try to do so on a regular basis. Even though I know it is not so bad or so scary in real life I am still nervous every time. I miss being able to go with Simone and her family and having someone there to hold my hand.

10. I am usually very good at remembering faces and usually names. I almost always assume that the people I recognize will not remember me.

11. I have issues with commitment. I think it is because I am scared that if I let someone get too close they will eventually figure out something horrible about me and decide that they can't be friends with me because of it. I have yet to figure out what that horrible thing is. My alternate explanation for my commitment phobia is that I am convinced, based on past experiences, that anyone I let get close will eventually find someone better than me and they will leave.

12. I am struggling to find balance and peace in my life. I know that writing more would make me feel better but I also know that putting my thoughts and feelings into words will make them real.

Letters

2008-12-18T19:35:00.000-08:00

I am sad today. But I don't really want to talk about that yet.

I am not really in the Christmas spirt. But I don't really want to talk about that either.

Moving on ...

I received a letter in the mail yesterday. Totally unexpected, I think the last actual letter I have opened was way back in my camp days. My friends and I often send little cards filled with warm fuzzies and sometimes notes about how Asthmatic Sheep are Evil. But an actual letter is almost unheard of. And a letter from my brother is even more shocking. But never the less there it was.

My brother is currently in New Orleans. You could ask me what he is doing and I could probably tell you with almost certainty that he is working as a project manager for a non-profit organization that is helping with the rebuilding of the city. And that I think it has something to do with needing volunteer experience to get into an MBA program. And that he has an apartment near the French Quarter and that I am planning on visiting in February for Mardi Gras. But before he went to New Orleans he was in Cincinnati working on the Obama campaign in general and encouraging people to come out and vote in specific. Reading his letter last night a)made me homesick and b)made me realize that while I might not understand entirely where all of this is coming from, I am very very proud of him.

He writes: "... it was rewarding to see the people laugh, smile and cry after having cast their ballot in this historic election. I witnessed people brave rain, cold and hour long lines, to have their voices heard. This was democracy in action and the communal cry was that a new type of action is needed - more and more people are realizing that their responsibility extends further than one vote every 4 years... His (Obama's) campaign became a political movement of people longing to fill the 40 year void without a cause as noble as the right to vote ... One afternoon I took off from the campaign ... to head out in search of something I materially "needed" only to be reminded ... that life is all about the journey ..."

So I am reminded. Life is all about the journey. There may be days when I will stumble. There may be days when I need to keep running when I would rather stand still. There may be days when many miles are covered in seemingly effortless steps. What matters is what I learn with each step, the good I take from each day, and the knowledge that one day I will get where I am going and all of the hardships and moments of celebration will be a part of that story.

Whispers

2008-12-07T19:14:00.000-08:00

I think about writing all the time. When I am running, when I am swimming, when I am lifting weights. When I am cooking, when I am eating. When I am driving, when I am walking. Every waking moment, and some sleeping ones too, I am thinking about writing. I am running words and phrases through my head. I am trying to feel how the sentence will look on the page, how the syllables will sound, how the pictures will be formed.

And yet my pen (in all honesty my keyboard) is silent.

There have been so many moments this past year that I have longed to share.

I have lost many things, many people, over the course of 2008, and I have wanted to use language to make those losses tangible, to explain what and how and why I have lost.

I have gained many things, many people, over the course of 2008 and I have wanted to use language to celebrate those joys, to echo my laughter, to explain what and how and why I have loved.

But every time I have sat at this computer I have been filled with self doubt and self pity and self loathing and I have stopped myself. I have been scared of who might be reading and who might not be reading. I have been unsure of what I wanted to share, of what would be better kept private, of what might be misunderstood.

I have let my voice be silent.

Birthdays

2008-06-28T08:53:00.001-07:00

I've always had a bit of a hard time with my birthday. It's not so much the getting older thing, although some years (25 in particular) that has been an issue.

I think in some ways my birthday has always made me feel like an inconvenience. I was born at the worst possible time for my school teaching mother and although she went out of her way to make sure I had a party etc I always felt like I was adding to her workload. I was one more thing that had to be taken care of before the end of June. I think now that those feelings are more to do with me and my insecurities but they are my feelings none the less.

In Jr High & High school there were always exams on my birthday and more often than not I have been sick as a dog and miserable. I feel awkward when people make a big deal out of it but then a little bit disappointed when others don't. I associate my birthday with feeling strange about the passage of time, unsure of who I am/where I am/where I want to be/where I am actually going.

My most memorable birthday was the year I turned 23. I was in Ireland with Beth & Mel and we spent the day exploring Tara, getting caught in a sudden rainstorm, playing catch up on a pubcrawl and downing 2 litres of cider in what felt like 2.5 seconds, getting approximately 40 minutes of sleep before catching a plane back to Stanstead. I made out with a boy whose name I did not get, who may or may not have spoken English. Definitely my most rockstar birthday ever.

I was expecting yesterday to come and go and not be anything out of the ordinary. And in a lot of ways that is exactly what happened. I got up, went to work, talked to my parents, got a lot of birthday wishes on facebook, had icecream with Becca, had flowers delivered to the office, came home, had a nap, supper and gluten free cake with B and then drinks and dancing with some Calgary friends. But in the midst of the ordinary birthday celebrations something small and extraordinary happened. I felt really and truly happy.

I feel like the past year has been a lot of ups and downs. Some really amazing things happened - Niki's wedding, my trip to Mexico, buying my condo - but for the most part I feel like I spent the year slowly but surely closing doors. There were hard moments, there were bad moments, but mostly there were a lot of bittersweet this really sucks but I have to do it anyways moments. And yesterday, for the first time since that night of toboggoning with Sarah, I feel like I have a wide open future in front of me. The past is still there, and definitely not entirely dealt with, but it is no longer an insurmountable obstacle blocking my way forward. I am not entirely sure what that means exactly but I can't help thinking it is a good thing.

Fantasy vs Reality

2008-06-14T20:06:00.001-07:00

I haven't been able to tell B why I am ... I am not even sure if I can articulate exactly what I am feeling ... why I am scared? nervous? stressed? ... about our high school reunion.

I can tell her parts of what is going on in my head, that I am worried about being judged - on who I am now, on who I was back then. That I feel pressure to look my best and think of interesting things to say and put on a worthy performance. Which is crazy because, for the most part, the people I care about from high school are people I see and they know and love me for who I am and all those other people don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. And yet, in some ways, I am hell bent on impressing them and I am in a head space where I am not even impressing myself so it seems like a mission destined for failure.

I think it is June that does it to me. My birthday is a reminder that I am not where I said I would be when I got here. And even though I am happy - I love my job, I love my condo, I am making new friends and enjoying time with old - I still want those things I have always wanted, that seem at times like I will never be good enough to get. I wonder why I don't have them, what I did wrong, what I am doing wrong. I wonder if I will ever be able to accept myself as I am and be appreciative of what I have instead of condemning myself for what I don't.

Our reunion is a week away and it is another reminder that I am not where I thought I would be.

But the real story, the one I haven't been able to talk to B about, is that all through my teens I swore that at my high school reunion I would prove a point. I would show all those people who were mean to me in jr high because my mom didn't give them the grade they thought they deserved or my mom was strict with them or because I was smart or whatever other logic jr high meanness has behind it, that I was someone. I would be stunningly beautiful and married to someone who obviously adored me and we would have beautiful children and in my spare time I would have done something wildly successful and ... Of course there was one boy in particular that this was directed at, a boy who I was crazy in love with in the way that only 12 year old girls can be crazy in love. A boy who tormented me and rocked my self esteem to its very core. A boy who would be fat and ugly and gross at our reunion and who would beg for a moment of my attention and I would stare haughtily down at him and walk away. A boy who is not currently fat or ugly or gross. Which is kind of fitting since I am none of the things I swore I would be either. And even though it doesn't matter anymore, it is still a reminder that I thought/hoped my life would be different.

I can look honestly at my life and say that I am glad I am where I am, but that doesn't mean I don't feel disappointment that the life I thought I wanted was all just a fantasy.

Girls

2008-06-12T21:49:00.000-07:00

I just got home from watching Sex & the City with my best girl B.

It made me think about a lot of things, not the least of which is that I have been living in my own head way too often these last few months and I need to push myself to get it out somewhere even if it is in half formed sentences and incoherent thoughts, even if it does make people realize that I have moments of incredible insecurity and am sometimes neurotic. I think most people who know me are already aware of both those things. Because living in my head makes what is in reality very small and insignificant seem larger than life and tremendously scary. So maybe if I talk about it the dragons in my head and the monsters in my closet will shrink down to a reasonable size.

But that is not what this post is about.

Watching Carrie and her girls on the big screen made me think about my girls. Women really. And the myriad ways in which they have touched my life, have shaped who I have become, have given me images of where and who I want to be. They come in many different packages, have many different titles - my sisters, my trio of trouble, my breakfast buddy, my smart and beautiful girls -, and bring many different things to my life. But what they all have in common is that they inspire me on a daily basis.

I am truly blessed to have so many women in my life who love me despite (or perhaps because of) my quirks and many failings. Who have seen me at my best and at my worst. Who have tried to save me from myself, and failing that, stuck around to put me back together when I finally pulled my head out of the sand. They have danced, sang, laughed and cried with me. They have let me share their special moments and have had a hand in creating many of mine.

I may want a man in my life, but I NEED my girls. At different times and in different ways but also at all times and in all ways.

#94. Dentist in Calgary

2008-05-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

I have had the same dentist for as long as I can remember. He is a friend of my uncle's from highschool. They played football together and when I was younger he would always tell me that I was braver and tougher than any football player he knew. I had to go through a lot of dental work in order to make my adult teeth fit in my very small mouth. You may not know this about me, but I am actually short 4 teeth.

When I saw him last spring he told me I should see a dentist in Calgary post haste because he thought I might be starting to grind my teeth. And then I chipped one of my front teeth in Mexico and I thought about seeing someone about that ... but somehow a whole year had passed since my last checkup and I hadn't managed to make time to find anybody here. So when I got the reminder call that I was due for an appointment I spurred myself into high gear.

My new dentist seems nice enough but he is no Dr S. Plus I kind of hold it against him that he managed to find 5 cavities on my first visit. Even though I know they have probably been there awhile, and should probably hold it against Dr S for not finding them one at a time. Loyalty is funny like that. Apparently he only found them due to new laser technology - I guess the old technique, wherein the dentist poked the top of your molars with a pointy instrument and if the point went through a soft spot it meant you had a cavity (I am so scientific), was no longer effective as everyone has much stronger tooth enamel these days. So my new dentist has this laser that they hover over your teeth and it emits a reading (0-99) and a high pitched squeal when it senses decay. It went pretty crazy in my mouth.

I have never had a cavity in my life so to go from 0-5 in a matter of moments was pretty shocking. And filled me with dread. Because the thought of having to hold my very small mouth open wide for over an hour while it was filled with a ton of instruments was enough to make me want to gag. The reality was not a lot better than the horror scene in my imagination. They have some spit sucking machine that helps to prop your mouth open while holding back your cheek and tongue ... I am sure that is the only way my mouth stayed open as long as needed. But it didn't stop my jaw from spasming. And they only did one side, so I get to go through this joyous experience all over again in about 2 weeks time.

And seriously, the freezing. I was trying to concentrate on breathing slowly through my nose and on not panicking and part way through the procedure I noticed that the right side of my nose (the side that was frozen) didn't feel like it was breathing properly, which did not help to ease me away from my proximity to hyperventilation. It was only as the freezing started to wear off that I realized that was because my nostril was also frozen. It was also the oddest experience to be able to see all of these instruments being passed around and knowing that they are in my mouth and being able to hear them but not actually being able to feel them. Talk about sensory overload.

Suffice to say that I am determined to never ever ever have another cavity for as long as I live, amen. Which means it is a good thing that I have also accomplished #87 on my list - 30 consecutive days of nightly teeth brushing. (I've heard that if you can do something 30 times in a row it starts to become a habit. AND I even managed to continue my new good habit outside of my normal environment and in an environment - my parents - at which I habitually relax my standards.) I was so lax in my night time routine, often so tired by the time I was getting into bed that it was so much easier to just crawl into bed and think I would just make up those 2 minutes in the morning. I have also added flossing and a mouth rinse. Lazy about my oral health no more.

Happiness

2008-05-04T10:45:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately about what it means to be happy. Because I think that I am happy. And I want to qualify what is making me happy, as if I think that I could put these moments in a bottle and open it up at a later date to recreate this feeling of contentment.

There are things that are stressors in my life but they are by far overshadowed by the things that seem to be going well lately, by the feeling that I am starting to belong somewhere, by the occasional whisper of my psyche saying "yes! yes! life is good!". It has been a long time since I have been happy. Over the last year and a half I have been happier. But the way I feel right now - this is different. And I am scared that it will be fleeting and that I can't make it last. Part of me knows that I just have to enjoy this time for what it is, and believe that things will keep going well for me, that I will be able to handle anything that threatens to mar my happiness, that on days when I struggle there will be people there to help me through.

Part of me feels guilty for being so happy. Because what have I done to deserve this? Why are blessings befalling me while others are having a harder time? And then I think about the hard times (real or imagined) that I have so recently left behind and I convince myself again to just enjoy this time. To revel in the fact that walking through the door of my condo is enough to make me smile, that laughing and smiling in general comes much easier these days.

I think about all I have to look forward to in the next few months and I think that I am happy and I think that I shouldn't analyze how or why or when I should just smile and thank God for these moments.

Dreamtime

2008-04-27T20:03:00.000-07:00

I have two recurring dreams that are (or should be) a sign that I am stressed out.

The first hasn't really made an appearance for a while. In it I either wake up and realize that I have slept in or I am in the middle of doing something and realize that I am late for an exam/handing in a big project that is due. I also realize that I haven't done any of the course assignments, haven't been to class in weeks, haven't read the course work, meant to drop the class before the drop class deadline but totally spaced out on actually dropping the course and now I have to walk in late for an exam that I am not at all prepared for/hand in a project that is totally unresearched and incomplete. I wake up panicked and flustered and it takes several moments of deep breathing to realize that I haven't been in school for almost 4 years now, that I did in fact drop all my classes 4 years ago, that I have no exam that I am late for, no project that I haven't researched.

The second dream is the one I have had most lately. I don't remember the dream so much as my actual waking moments after the dream. I am always searching for something I have lost. And the feeling of having lost something is so strong and so real that I am often on my feet out of bed digging in a drawer or peering under a shelf before I realize that I don't own/gave away a long time ago/never had what I am looking for. It used to be my retainer, sometimes it is something non-descript - a book, a key, lately it is a wedding band or an engagement ring (I wake up rubbing my left ring finger and panicking because there is no return caress of cold metal).

Is that weird? Do any of you have recurring/stress related dreams?

One Week

2008-04-26T18:18:00.000-07:00

It has been a week today since I have been in my very own home. I still don't think it has entirely sunk in yet. I have had many moments of realizing that I live here and I own this place and it is mine to do what I want in and every time it feels like a new realization. I still feel like at any moment now someone is going to wake me from a very good dream. But that isn't going to happen. This isn't a dream.

I am loving living on my own. I am loving that this whole space is a reflection of my tastes, of my hard work. I am loving that I can come home at night and no one has touched my stuff, no one is in the kitchen or the bathroom or doing laundry when I want to be, everything is exactly how I left it when I went to work in the morning. I don't have to feel guilty about leaving something out or not cleaning up right away. I don't have to rush through my meal prep or my laundry so that someone else can use the space. I can do what I want when I want. Or not. It is awesome.

I knew that I was stressed about my living situation but I had no idea how stressed until suddenly that stress wasn't there.

It was a lot of work to get to this point. I got possession last Tuesday and there were more than a few moments when I wondered if I had made the biggest mistake of my life. My realtor and I had access just prior to possession to do a walk through and make sure nothing was majorly wrong, that all the appliances worked etc. The seller was supposed to have vacated the premises and surrendered all his keys to the building. Part way through the walk through he showed up, still having a set of keys. He had just happened to be in the neighbourhood and noticed that the lights were on so he figured he had better check it out - and he wasn't giving up his keys until his money was in his pocket (creepy!). Needless to say my first phone call was to a locksmith. I couldn't do anything about the main doors but I could certainly make sure he wouldn't have access to my suite. My realtor (and his) were both appalled and advised that in all their years of selling homes this had never happened.

Creepy Old Guy also felt it appropriate to share that he was moving to the Phillipines (might it have something to do with the on-line dating printouts of younger women he left lying around when we did our initial home inspection? My realtor and I have money on him having found some child mail order bride. Also creepy.) And then he tried to tell me that he had the living room carpets cleaned (not so much). He felt bad for two reasons - one, because he didn't think they had done a very good job (Because they didn't show up!) and two, because he didn't realize that he should also have had the bedroom carpet done - he had never opened the curtains so he didn't realize they were dirty, but that black spot right there? that was from his feet. (Creepiest) Needless to say, I was very glad that I had arranged with a co-worker to borrow her steamcleaner.

I knew that I would want to do my own cleaning before painting/moving in. In the back of my mind I think I realized that it wasn't like moving into an apartment where they are pretty much cleaned before you move in (although not so much in the place B and I lived together). But I had no thoughts that Creepy Old Guy would not have cleaned at all. In fact I am in serious doubt that he ever cleaned at all, maybe the odd wipe of the countertops but that was about it. It was disgusting. Think about a moment when you have found some bizarre and hard to clean corner of your own home and realized that you have missed cleaning it for a while. Now imagine that it is 600 sq ft of missed spots and it is not even your own dirt. I wanted to vomit and then call my mother. It wasn't the dirtiest place I have ever seen and it wasn't like he went out of his way to leave a major mess - there were no bottles or flies or anything of that nature. It just wasn't clean. And the floors were sticky. And there were splashes of coffee all over the kitchen. And the toilet had never been cleaned. And the fridge & microwave stank. (Vinegar is my new best friend) I bought rubber gloves and and arsenal of cleaning supplies and went to town for a good 7 hours. Plus the 2 hours it took to steam clean the rugs.

Then we spent 2 days painting. I had never painted before so I had no idea how that would go. And it is a little daunting to look at a very small paint sample and imagine how you think a whole room will look in that color and then hope that you are right. But I love my colors (Cappuccino in the living room/kitchen & Light Mocha in the bed/bathroom) so I guess it turned out all right in the end. The most awkward parts were painting around the sink and toilet in the bathroom. The sink because you kind of have to crouch on the countertops and paint in the dark because the lights are too hot (we rigged up an alternate lighting system) and the toilet because it is just awkward all together. Unless maybe you drained all the water and took off the tank? I managed to earn a well played from my cousin for getting out of back of the toilet duty on the second coat.

Finally it was moving day. In a snowstorm. And then a lot of shopping and hours spent putting things together. Thank god for Gerg - he more than made up for my dad's lack of handyman skills. I love my father, but task oriented and handymanesque he is not.

So here I am. Surrounded by all (well most) of my own things. Arranged how I like them. And I am almost ready to believe that I might just be happy.

Saturday Six

2008-04-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

Reasons it is hard to live away

1. Miss my family

2. Miss having people I know and who know me around

3. Miss important events like births and birthdays and baptisms

4. When my mom does something like break her arm I am not around to help out

5. Worrying about my Baba and not being around to help out with her

6. The above mentioned people miss important events in my life

Reasons I like living in Calgary

1. Better relationship with my parents

2. Love my job

3. Meeting new people

4. Testing my limits

5. Learning who I am outside of the group

6. Good friends like Niki & Simone & Crystal & Shannon

Saturday Six

2008-03-30T06:36:00.001-07:00

On Sunday ... cause I'm a day late and a dollar short ...

Inspired by the couples I was hanging out with last night and their insistence that I date a boy I am not in the least attracted to simply because he is nice and has a pile of money.

Things I am looking for in a boy I might consider dating

1. He should be single. Really, truly, actually single. As in no girlfriend. No wife. No girl he is a)sleeping with consistently or b)actively pursuing but willing to settle for me in the meanwhile.

2. He should be someone I find attractive - for whatever reason he should peak my interest. If this is not immediate, he should be someone I see often enough that his less obvious charms become evident.

3. He should be interested in his own good health, preferably physically active, and not because I pressure him into a gym membership/otherwise force him to take an interest.

4. He should be someone I can have an intelligent conversation with, not a genius necessarily but someone who can hold his own, and have opinions and not think that he has to agree with every word that comes out of my mouth.

5. He should challenge me - whether to try new things or think about old things in a different way.

6. He should be someone that I have fun with and who makes me laugh.

Quickie

2008-03-27T06:33:00.000-07:00

There is so much to do and the days in which to do it in are flying by. It has been only a month and a half or so since this whole home buying plan got put into action but it feels like about three years. I think back to something that happened yesterday or last week and think was it only yesterday? Feels like a month ago. If the stress doesn't kill me it will only make me stronger right?

There is so much to say and yet the words to say it with elude me. The energy to sit in front of my computer and pour out my heart and be honest with myself and with you is sitting in a little well that is being covered up with lists upon lists of things to do and people to call and places to be. And when I do think about writing all I want to do is be ranty and fixate on things that don't really matter because the things that do matter? Scary doesn't even begin to describe it.

Everything feels larger than life and overwhelming. Work, the thought of painting my new place, keeping my current place tidy for showings, trying to fit in family and friends and appointments and me time, keeping up the gym ... the last one is SO important because I think the hour that I spend there on a (mostly) daily basis is what is keeping me sane. That hour of sweat pouring down my face and back, that hour where all I can think about is taking that next step, lifting that next weight and breathing, always always breathing. Everything else falls away for that hour and I feel like I might not drown, not yet, not today.

Saturday Six

2008-03-22T14:34:00.000-07:00

Easter Related

1. Trivia: This is the earliest Easter can be. It will not be this early for another 250 years. Apparently Easter falls on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Spring Equinox. Who knew?

2. Good Friday is my favorite church service.

3. When I was little and we actually went to the Easter Vigil in our small town church, they used to have an actual bonfire at the back of the church. It is not a very solid memory but it is an important one.

4. I love me some Cadbury Mini-eggs.

5. My dad & I bought my mom tulips to celebrate Spring & Easter.

6. The Easter Bunny is going to be good to me - I know, because I got to pick out the chocolates :p. (I think the Easter Bunny & Santa Clause MIGHT stop coming for me when I have kids of my own. Good thing that is not likely to happen in the very near future.)

If a = b and b = c then a must = c. right?

2008-03-17T18:47:00.001-07:00

I would pay good money for a boy-decoder ring.

I wish that my "I'm not sure what to think" default wasn't set to probably an asshole.

I wish that I wasn't so broken, so trained to believe that any boy I might be interested will a)turn out to have a girlfriend/like someone else and b)lie to me about it.

I am tired of being told by boys that have girlfriends that if they didn't have girlfriends they would totally date me and that they don't know why the single boys aren't lining up at my feet. Because when those boys are single - surprise! - they don't want to date me either.

I am tired of being told to think positive, that I will find love when I least expect it, that my turn is coming, that I should stop looking.

I am tired of being single, of wondering why I am single, of being scared of what life would be like if I wasn't single.

There is this boy at the gym and I think he is super cute and I think that he flirts with me/might be interested but I have NO idea how to get past the idle chit chat, how are you? stage.
Part of my issue is that he is not just some random guy at the gym he is one of the guys that works at the gym and that I have to interact with to get passes to my class and skipping ropes and other things from so I am scared that if I do anything too obvious and I have totally been reading him wrong then it will make me not want to go to the gym. Which would be bad on so many levels.

But mostly I am just not sure if he is actually flirting with me or just a friendly guy or I just desperately want someone to notice me so I am making up that he does.

Here's the story ... I had kind of noticed him around once in a while. And then I started going to a spin class on Saturday mornings and we started to have to get passes because it is a popular class. The first Saturday we need a pass I show up and he is handing them out but I forgot to bring something to exchange for the pass. He tells me I need collateral and I say "crap" or something along those lines because I am later than I would like and now have to go back to my locker on the other side of the gym. He says sorry and I say no, I knew I needed that, I'll be right back. When I get back he tells me he was saving a card for me. And then after class, before I even hand him my card (they're numbered) he says "Number 12! I remember!" And at that moment I realize that I think he is cute and am thereafter totally tonguetied and moronic around him.

So I pretty much see him every Saturday I am in Calgary and we make the abovementioned idle chit chat and now I also see him almost every other time I am at the gym and I am pretty sure ... not that he stares at me ... but he notices when I am around. And there is the odd wave or nod of acknowledgement when one or both of us is busy and we can't really say hey. And then a couple of weeks ago I saw him as I was leaving the weight room and he says "how's it going" and I say "good" and he says "I haven't seen you in a while. Well, I've seen you, but I haven't talked to you." which I followed up with a really lame comment that doesn't bear repeating and went on my merry way.

I finally got up the courage to introduce myself last Wednesday, after many pep talks from my girls and many false starts on my part. I think I flustered him a little, he blushed at any rate. I saw him again today and he said "hey, how's it going" and I said "good!" and then he frowned and knew he got my name wrong but was close. And part of me wants to think he tried to remember my name and that's a good thing. But the part of me that defaults to asshole thinks that he didn't remember my name even if he was close. And the very tired part of me thinks this shouldn't be this hard. Ironically, if it wasn't this hard I would probably have lost interest by now.

Saturday Six

2008-03-15T15:32:00.000-07:00

Things that made me happy this week

1. Late night chatting with Niki
2. Late night hanging out with Simone/Tyler/Erik
3. Long phone call with Melly
4. Long phone call with Erica
5. Home deal being finalized
6. FINALLY introducing myself to the cute boy at the gym

It is Official

2008-03-13T19:31:00.000-07:00

My condo deal went firm today!

The week was not as housewise hectic as anticipated but I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I am (not so secretly) super anal and on the ball. Monday was brutal because I made all my phone calls first thing and then had to wait impatiently for everyone else to get their lives in order and get back to me. But by the end of Tuesday I had all my financing approved and all my appointments set up and felt pretty good about life. So now all I have to do is talk to the lawyer (beginning of April), pick paint colors, pack and move. Everything has fallen into place and I can't help wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. But every time that negativity, those thoughts that my life can't be totally fabulous, creep up on me I take a deep breath and say no, I deserve to be happy, I deserve good things to happen to me, and I can deal with any minor bumps along the way. It's not a fool proof plan but it is keeping me moving forward with a smile on my face.

I had my inspection this afternoon and got to see the place knowing that it was mine and it was an awesome feeling walking through the door and thinking, I own this place! It still smelled like old man and still doesn't show well but I have a vision and think that once I paint and nest and make it my own I am really really going to love it. I noticed all kinds of little things I missed in the terror of trying to make a good decision, like the lights over the breakfast bar and how huge the balcony really is. I am excited over really nerdy things like how much storage space there is and the nook with the built in computer desk and the insuite laundry. Not to mention the walk-in closet and the breakfast bar and the decent sized bedroom and the underground heated parking.

My posession date is April 15 and it is going to come quickly. But I am ready and I am excited and I truly believe that everything is going to work out. I will be poorer than a churchmouse but I will have a home and I will feel like there is somewhere I finally belong in this city. Somewhere that I can come home to as a sanctuary. Somewhere that is mine all mine, from the furniture to the decorations to the sweat labour that will go into the paint job. I can hardly wait.

#7. Save for/buy property – conditional as of March 7, 2008

2008-03-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

I conditionally own property!! And once I officially own property I will provide a few more details of said property. Pictures to follow if I a)buy a camera before I move in or b) (more likely) borrow my parents camera.

It is exciting and nervewracking and stressful and a whole lot of emotions all at once. Mostly good. But there is so much to do before the end of Friday that I am not sure how it is all going to come together in time. I have to call my investor to release my personal RRSP money and fill out a form to send away for my work RRSP money and talk to the bank to find out if the drop in interest rates changes anything or if my dad has to make a decision about loaning me a little bit more money or co-signing. I have to arrange for my inspection - which seems silly for a 600 sq ft condo built in 2006 but I know a guy and it is free so why the heck not. I have to meet with the people who are going to review my condo documents to make sure there is nothing funky up front that I need to know about. Plus working, working overtime, and um maybe some more overtime so that when I start hemmoraging money like there is no tomorrow there will actually be said money in my bank account.

The thought of everything I have to spend money on now is keeping me awake at night. So I am going to make a bit of a list right now in the hopes that once it is officially written somewhere my brain will turn off and let me sleep. (ha ha ha) There are lawyers fees and the cost of the condo review and possibly a repayment of taxes if the guy who currently lives there paid in advance. I need to paint so there will be the cost of paint etc. I need living room furniture (which I think I am buying 2nd hand and have mostly under control). A toaster and a kettle. And silverware. A vaccuum. And possibly a million other odds and ends, so I am really wishing I remembered exactly what is in the boxes I have packed up at my parents. Some of it is not going to be urgent purchases but there is enough that needs to be bought in the fairly immediate future that I am feeling slightly panicked and also unreasonably wanting to spend money on frivolous things. (Shopping calms my nerves. I am trying to find something free to calm my nerves and in the meantime beating down the urge to spend money unnecessarily.)

I think once the hectic and the money spending is over (I know the money spending will never actually end but the initial outpouring will slow to a trickle) I will be really excited. I'm in a great area of town, I really like the place I bought and I am SO excited to live on my own as previously mentioned. A little (or a lot) of financial frugality never killed anyone. Did it?

Saturday Six

2008-03-08T06:30:00.000-08:00

Food Related

1. I first tried Apricot Stilton cheese when I was in England almost 5 (OMG) years ago and fell madly in love. I have searched every grocery store I have ever been in since and have failed to find it in Canada. But Thursday I got a hot tip that they sell it at Sunterra and there is now a hunk of delectable yumminess in my fridge. It was better than I remembered.

2. I always thought that the bagel switch on toasters was to widen the toaster slots so the bagel would fit better. Apparently it actually turns off the heat on one side so you only toast the front of the bagel. I prefer my bagels toasted on both sides.

3. Shopping for yogourt stresses me out. I don't want aspartame and I don't want too much artificial sugar but the label doesn't indicate how much sugar is artificial vs natural and ... and I try to eat yogourt every day so finding one that meets all of my requirements and is not uber-expensive would be a really good thing.

4. I don't like yogourt with fruit on the bottom

5. I am starting to really enjoy onions. Even raw. I think the world may be close to ending.

6. I love wraps. I think you could put almost anything in a wrap and it would be fabulous. Yesterday I had a flatbread wrap with hummous, artichoke, olive, fresh veggies and feta. I could have died happy after that meal.

Stepping Stones

2008-03-03T18:38:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a bit more on an even keel today. Still a little scared, still a little stressed, but more confident that I will be able to handle things. I think all I needed was a good nights sleep, a few deep breaths and a little perspective. I think it was the right decision not to make an offer yesterday.

Surprisingly, the person who has helped me calm down and rationalize the most is my mother. I know. No one is more shocked than I am. But everytime I have felt like things were getting out of control she has been the voice of reason, she has somehow said all the right things to make me step back and confirm that this is what I want. Last night she told me (and I am paraphrasing here) that people could say what they wanted and I could take or leave their advice but the most important thing was for me to have enough confidence that I was capable of making the best decision possible. And she is right. Even though I am scared that I might make a mistake, it will not be a mistake I can't recover from. I am not going to pay too much for my place. I am not going to buy a lemon. I know what my finances are like and what I can afford and what I have to do to make it work. And if the bottom of the market falls out, well, I am not going to be alone in that experience. All I can do is gather as much information and make as informed a decision as possible. As a Smart & Beautiful Girl(tm) I am more than qualified to take this step. More importantly I am ready to take this step.

I know that I don't love the place I am thinking about putting an offer on. But I do like it. I can see that it has potential with a little paint and my own personal touches. It is somewhere I will be able to afford and it is somewhere I think I will be happy for the next 2 to 5 years (Thanks Karen). It is not my dream house, but, as I have said before and as I may have to keep reminding myself, it is a stepping stone to get there.

I am going to look at a few more places on Thursday, just to make sure that there isn't something that meets all my qualifications that I do LOVE the minute I walk in the door. Depending what I find we'll take it step by step from there.

Not Knowing

2008-03-02T19:44:00.000-08:00

I didn't put an offer in. I almost did. But then I didn't.

And I am frustrated, confused and feeling rather stupid because there are so many things I don't know and I am not one who likes to negotiate and everyone has about 4 million opinions about what I should do and how I should do it and ... and I just don't know.

I know that I need to move. I know that I want to buy rather than rent. I know that I want a one bedroom so that I can live on my own. I know that it is a buyers market right now.

But I don't know what the market is going to do. And I don't know what a fair price actually is given that even offering "low" is still considerably high for what a place is actually worth. Except that what a place is actually worth is driven by the market and ...

I have looked at 12 places (the only 12 in my price range in the SE/SW and not on the ground floor) and liked 2 of them. Not loved. And there are things that I don't like about both places. So does that mean I should widen my search or does that mean I should be more ok with offering low and sticking low. And how does my realtor fit in? Because obviously she is in it for the commission and the more I pay the more she makes. But she says she wants me to love the place I make an offer on and that if I am not willing to move much off my starting point then that means I don't love it and won't be happy so we should keep looking. But then other people say that even if I did love it I should still start low and stay firm because it is a buyers market and the seller should come as close to my price as possible. They say it is like a game of chicken and if the sellers place has sat long enough without any bites then they have to be getting nervous so even if I am nervous because I have a deadline for when I have to move by I still have the upper hand.

It doesn't really feel like the upper hand. It feels like I don't know. And like I should know. And like I have to make a decision only how do I know if I am making the right decision and ...

Have I mentioned the frustrated and stressed part?

I am trying to stay positive and believe that things will work out the way they are supposed to and that I will find a place I love and can afford. It is really hard to do today.

Opinionated? Who Me?

2008-03-01T16:18:00.000-08:00

Wednesday officially started the condo hunt. My realtor (Kim) and I had gone out a couple of times before my stint in Edmonton but that was before I had really decided what I wanted and knew what I could afford. So Wednesday was the deluge of 1 bedrooms.

We saw 9.

And I liked 1.

I haven't decided if that is good or bad yet. We are going tomorrow afternoon to see the place I liked again and 4 others. I am pretty sure if I don't like any of the other 4 I will be putting in an offer. Tomorrow. In less than 24 hours. Send a brown bag for me to hyperventilate in kthanks.

Here is what I have learned from my search: a lot of people who design condos do not have the functionality of a small space in mind. I apparently feel strongly that if I am going to be living in 600sq ft or less it NEEDS to be functional. There should be closets. The masterbedroom/walk in closet should not be bigger than the rest of the living area. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the idea of a walk-in closet. The very girly part of me wept for joy when I walked into that bedroom. My dreamhouse has several walk-in closets. But I am not buying my dreamhouse. I am buying a stepping stone towards my dreamhouse and the practical side of me would much rather trade a bigger bedroom with walk in closet for a kitchen I can actually cook in and a living area that will fit more than 2 people without guests having to resort to sitting on top of one another.

I am starting to get really excited to live on my own. To know that on days when I get home tired and stressed out and wanting to be alone no one will be there unless I have invited them. I won't have to play nice with people I hardly know. I will know that I can cook in the kitchen when I am hungry. I will know that if I had food in the fridge it will still be there unless I ate it/threw it out. I can have a bath whenever the mood hits. I can sleep with my bedroom door open. I can clean on my own schedule and know that if there is a mess it is because I made it. I think it will be glorious.

Saturday Six

2008-03-01T06:32:00.000-08:00

Things I am Grateful For

1. Drinks with Shannon & Lori-Ann last night

2. Getting through month end mostly unscathed

3. Long phone calls with B

4. Emails from my mom

5. Being able to keep my nails for as long as I have

6. Niki's help/support during my condo hunt

Between a Rock & a Hardplace

2008-02-24T19:22:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure how to write about this. Even thinking about writing about this feels like a betrayal of sorts. So even though it may be obvious to some who I am talking about I am going to try as best I can to not be overly specific, to not name names or relationships. Because I think I need to write about this.

I have been trying very hard over the last couple of years to cut the negative out of my life. To walk away from those people who consistently make me feel badly about myself, from those people who belittle me or treat me without dignity and respect. To tell myself that I deserve people in my life who want only good things for me, who are willing to support me, who are positive influences.

But there is one person in my life that I don't think I can walk away from. Even though his screaming at me to fuck off and that he hates me and that he never wants to see me again cuts deeply. Even though his comments that I am fat and ugly, meant to be hilarious because in actuality I am neither fat nor ugly, hit all the right nerves every time because I have such issues with how I look. Even though he picks me and hangs me upside down or carries me bodily out of the room because he feels like it and I scream at him to stop, not because he is physically hurting me but because he is making me feel helpless and powerless.

I know that something is wrong with him. Emotionally, psychologically. Something is wrong. He is too angry too much of the time for there to be nothing wrong. And everytime I realize that I can do nothing to help him because he does not want my help, because my concern only serves to anger him further, another piece of my heart breaks. And everytime someone tells me not to take it personally, not to let him ruin my night or my self-confidence, because although his anger and rage might be directed at me it is not because of me, I wonder how they can make that distinction. I think of all the times he has been sweet and gentle and kind and I wonder where that boy goes and I wonder where all the anger comes from and I wish more than anything that there was something I could do.

But I can't keep being the target he lashes out at.

Moving to Calgary has brought some distance but it hasn't solved the problem, only made me feel like I am running away, hoping each time that I go back to Edmonton that things will be different. I know that if something is wrong I will feel overwhelmed by guilt for not knowing how to help, for not being strong enough to make him get help, for being selfish by looking out for my own fragile psyche and staying as much out of his way as possible. From todays vantage point it feels absolutely like a lose lose situation.

Saturday Six

2008-02-23T15:43:00.000-08:00

Nice Things My Boss Said Yesterday

1. That she gets a lot of feedback about my work and it is always positive

2. That she sees me as her go to girl and knows that anything she asks of me will be done and done well.

3. That audits of my work all come back impeccable which means not only am I efficient I am also effective.

4. That my agents see me as a team player

5. That my agents know that even if I have to say no I will a)explain myself and b)try to provide an alternative solution

6. That I always come across as professional, even when having conversations that could easily go another way.

Project Buy Property

2008-02-21T19:09:00.000-08:00

I think I was a little bit scared to come back to Edmonton last weekend. I knew that I had to have a big talk with my parents about exactly how much financial help they were willing and able to give me to get Project Buy Property up and running and I wasn't entirely sure how that would go. I knew that they were more than willing, I just wasn't entirely sure what that meant in real numbers and I felt guilty (feel guilty) that I was even asking this of them. (They offered, I asked, it all boils down to the same thing really) I tried to do a lot of budgeting and planning before I got here so that I could give them options and proof of what I was going to do to make things work but I just wasn't entirely sure how the conversation was going to go.

Thankfully better than expected. And then we met with 1 bank on Tuesday and I am officially pre-approved for a mortgage. Which was all kinds of scary and not scary at the same time. Because now I have to think about a fixed or floating mortgage and maybe talk to at least one other bank to see what kind of rate they will give me and ... really it is so many numbers my head is still spinning. But the lady at the bank said she thought that I was going about things very logically. Which made me wonder for a moment if she was entirely crazy because most of the time I feel like I have no idea what I am doing and like things are happening at warp speed and without my actually having time to think things through. (Which is maybe a good thing). Take the bank for example - I popped in on my lunch break to make an appointment for Thursday and they were all, well Thursday won't work but how does now sound? Can you pop in now? (OMG).

But there is a plan in place and it involves a 1 bedroom or a 1 bedroom +den and no roommate and a mortgage payment that is going to make my financial life more dreary than my sex life (is that even possible?) but I will have a home and it will be my own. And when I am not completely terrified I am actually rather excited.

Next stop: a meeting with my boss tomorrow to discuss the overtime hours I am going to start working.

#22. Make Seafood Crepes

2008-02-18T11:49:00.000-08:00

And I actually made them this time, instead of just eating them.

For future reference here is the recipe:

Crepes
1 cup all purpose flour
2 eggs
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup water
1/4 tsp salt
2 tablespoons butter/margarine (soft/melted)

Place ingredients in blender in order given. Blend 30 seconds. Stop and stir down sides. Blend 30-60 seconds until smooth. Refrigerate ~ 1 hour. Makes about 16 crepes.
Note to self: Mom usually does 1.5 recipe. 1 cup milk and 1/2 cup water will make thinner crepes.

Filling:
In a frying pan saute butter, mushrooms, onion and celery.
In a large pot melt 1/4 cup butter, whisk in 1/2 cup flour & salt to make a roux. As thickens add: soup stock/milk/wine (~2-1/2 cups total liquid). Add generous amount of worchestershire sauce. Salt to taste. Add in saute mixture.
Cook shrimp, scallops, crab/other seafood in butter and lemon juice.
Add to pot until thick and bubbling.
Allow to cool and fill crepes.

So it is not an exact science but it sure is yummy.

There are no words

2008-02-18T07:21:00.000-08:00

I think one of the worst feelings in the world is consciously realizing you have outgrown a friendship. Especially a friendship that means the world to you, a friendship that has held you together through so many storms and made you feel safe and whole and loved unconditionally. But I have realized over the last little while that because of all of those things I have come to have unrealistic expectations about that friendship. And I have to let those go. I am ok with letting those go. But I am also scared because I know that it means our friendship will never be what it once was. Maybe, given time, we will find a new rhythm, a new closeness, a level of intimacy that will actually work for the long run. But right now I think I need to step back, gain some perspective and move on without that kind voice offering words of encouragement, without those warm hands holding mine, without that unwavering belief in me pushing me forward. And that terrifies me. Even while I know that I can't keep using this friend as a crutch, that I can't keep the past level of intimacy without keeping the unrealistic expectations and the hurt that goes along with every realization that they are unrealistic. Even while I am propelled forward by this person, a part of me is held back, hoping that if I can recreate those perfect moments they will become an always reality. And that part of me needs to move forward. Even though I don't know what that actually means or will look like.

I find friendships/relationships confusing. I don't understand why some people are forever friends and some are friends for a moment and some are never truly friends. I don't understand why some friendships end with a blowout, some just fade away entirely, others fade in and out and still others are a comforting constant. But I found this blurb and while not entirely satisfying it does make me feel like I am not alone in the ups and downs of the people who make up my life.

The author is anonymous but the words ring true to me right now.

A Reason, A Season Or A Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a god-send, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, your desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real—but, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Saturday Six

2008-02-16T06:48:00.001-08:00

Six of my Favorite TV Boyfriends

1. Greg from CSI - important to note that while I have a fondness for CSI Greg it is lab tech Greg that I truly love.

2. Luke from Gilmore Girls - but not asshat Luke from Season 6

3. Vaughn from Alias - can we say HOT

4. McDreamy/Dr Shepherd from Grey's Anatomy

5. Reid from Criminal Minds

6. Oz from Buffy

Don't be my Valentine

2008-02-14T06:08:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to get my thoughts on Valentines Day in some sort of coherent order.

I wouldn't exactly say I am anti-Valentine but the day doesn't exactly inspire or thrill me either. Maybe it is fair to say that while I appreciate the concept I dislike the commercialization?

I don't like to talk about it a lot because I've gotten the whole "you're just bitter because you're single" response one too many times. And while I won't totally write that off as irrelevant, I also think that I would feel the same way if I was in a relationship. Proof being that the one year I was in a relationship I held my ground.

I think it is important to tell the person/people that you love how you feel. But I'm not entirely comfortable that we have a day that makes people feel like if they don't make some sort of grand gesture for their significant other then they're assholes. I don't like the radio and TV ads that make it all about men doing something big for their ladies. I don't think that not doing something on Valentines Day negates all of the sweet moments and memories you've created the rest of the year. And I don't like that single people feel excluded and/or herded into some singles night because clearly Valentines Day is the day you will meet someone as desperate as you are.

Is that cynical? Because I don't mean it to be. I am all about the romance and the prince charming and the white knight sweeping me off my feet. Just don't do it on Valentines Day. Or at the very least don't make me feel like you HAD to do it on Valentines Day.

When I was little my mom only worked part time. And every Valentines Day she would make seafood crepes and a rice dish and a special dessert and we would light candles and use the good china and eat in the dining room. I looked forward to that meal all year. We had gotten out of the habit but last year I was home around Valentines and I made a special request for crepes and this year I will be home and I actually get to help make the crepes. So I am pretty stoked about that. (See? Not entirely cold and heartless)

The bottom line is waaaaay down

2008-02-11T18:52:00.000-08:00

This whole trying to buy property thing is really really really stressing me out.
Mostly because it is so much money. And I have so very little money. And I honestly crunched numbers and it is going to take a lot of sacrifice to make this work. A lot.
Like no more personal trainer twice a month. Like no travel at all this year or any other time that somehow relates to soon. Very little eating out. Little to no new clothes. My list could go on but it just serves to depress me more.

But I still feel committed to taking this step, I still feel like putting my money towards property I own is better than throwing the same amount of money at a landlord. I just hyperventilate every time I look at the bottom line.

I very definitely need a roommate.

And I am going to have to either a)work more hours at my current job or b)get a second part time job.

Consider 2008 forward all about the scrimping and the saving and the finding free/cheap ways to entertain myself.

I just really hope it is as worth it as I think it is going to be.

And that I can keep up the positive affirmations and the faith that the universe is going to help me achieve my goals in a (mostly) affordable manner if I just believe hard enough.

Saturday Six

2008-02-09T12:36:00.001-08:00

Six Things I do that are apparently Not universal

1. At the gym - I put back what I take. If I take a ball from the main weight room, I return it to the main weight room.

2. In public washrooms - I make sure the toilet has flushed prior to leaving the stall

3. I check my bank statements/balances. I always have a fairly good idea as to how much money is in my account at any given time and what I am expecting to come out of my account in any given time frame. I go over everything with a fine tooth comb once every two weeks when I get paid just to make sure nothing out of the ordinary is going on.

4. I update my address when I move.

5. I turn off my alarm clock, especially if I am not going to be in my own bed the next time it is set to go off.

6. I tell people who might be concerned (roommates, parents) if I am going to be gone for an extended period of time.

Moving on (again)

2008-02-06T19:11:00.000-08:00

I'm in the middle of a freakout. Or rather, I was in the middle of a freakout. I am (I think) currently in the calm post decision pre storm.

So a couple entries back I made a (very) brief reference to the fact that Chels (my roomie) and I had had a discussion about our living situation. It went something like this:
Me - Are you planning on selling this place and moving in with your boyfriend?
Her - Nope. If we do move in together I'll keep this place as a rental. Feel free to plan to stay as long as you want.

This was barely two weeks ago. Fast forward to last night.
Her - So remember how I told you I wasn't moving in with the boy and selling this place? I'm moving in with the boy and selling this place.

Huh. Awesome.

And it's not that I don't understand or think that it is the best decision for her. But I am really tired of moving. And I am even more tired of moving because other people say I have to. And I would really really like to live somewhere for more than 6 months.

So I think that I am going to buy. Hence the freak out. Because the I think I am going to buy is more like I am 99.9% sure I am going to buy and yes it really is the best decision but holy crap I arrived at it over night and I have to buy a place by May 1 instead of leisurely taking my time over the fall of 2008 as I had planned. (I had also planned to be married and have 2.5 kids by the time I was 25. Sometimes shit happens.)

I'm going to have to find a roommate obviously. And my parents are on board financially otherwise I could never pull it off in this economy. And I have the option to buy this place, which would be nice because I really like the area and the layout of the condo and I wouldn't have to move everything, but I am going to try and look at 3 other places (maybe more) over the weekend just to see. And then my dad and I will have to sit down and meet with the bank and start putting all the paperwork together ... but I can't think that far ahead (2 weeks) because I start to hyperventilate a little.

It makes sense to do this now though. Because I do want to buy in the near future anyways and I don't want to move now (AGAIN) and move in the fall (AGAIN) and with a roommate my mortgage payment will be the equivalent or very close to the rent I would pay to live on my own. So if I am going to be house poor I would rather actually own a house.

But it is a HUGE step and one I am not entirely sure I am ready for. I feel guilty that I am asking my parents for so much money, even though they are offering, even though my dad told me not to even take that into consideration. I almost burst into tears when he said that they would do what they had to to make sure I got what was best for me. I am not sure I deserve that, especially not in such a large monetary sum. And I guess it just feels weird to be taking this step on my own. I had always envisioned buying my first home with the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Never once did it occur to me that I might still be single, that I would have to search for a roommate, that it would be all me, all the time, all alone. The ideal that I should be taking this step with someone else is a hard one to let go of. But I don't have a lot of options and I certainly can't let not having a man in my life keep me from making the best decision for me in this moment.

And so it goes.

Loud voices I Wish I could silence once and for all.

2008-02-04T06:22:00.001-08:00

You told me that it was ok if I said no, but you would break up with me. You broke up with me anyways.

You told me out of 10 you would give me a 6 and that would be generous of you because you would take my great personality into account.

You told me you didn't want to wreck our friendship. You didn't want to date long distance. You followed up by dating 3 girls who lived farther away than I did. I'm glad I kept your jacket.

You told me I had one physical flaw you couldn't get over, that all your friends thought I was ugly, and you had to go with group opinion on that one.

You made mean comments about my nose everytime you saw me. Did you think I needed your help to hate the way I looked?

You disappeared from my life and then randomly called me 4 months later to tell me how guilty you felt for dating a girl you didn't really like to prove to your friends that you could have a long term relationship.

You told me we could have sex but you would be thinking about my best friend.

You told me lie after lie after sweet little lie and I desperately wanted to believe you.

You told me you just wanted to be friends, you didn't want to date anyone. 3 weeks later you cried on my shoulder about the girl you really wanted to date who would have nothing to do with you.

You slept in my bed, we talked about hanging out in the future, then you told everyone it was weird that I had followed up with a phone call.

40 Days of No Excuses for Not Exercising

2008-02-02T11:14:00.000-08:00

I realized yesterday that with Easter being so early this year, Lent starts next week. Now I am the first to admit that I am not a very good Catholic. I don't go to church regularly, I don't agree with a lot of the church teachings, and I feel like there should be a third point to round things out but I don't have one. But I do have faith, whether it fits nicely in with an organized religion or not. Mostly not. And Catholicism is the way I was brought up to express that faith. And I guess whatever failings I might find with the church itself there are still some aspects that I like, there are times of the year that bring back very strong memories associated with being in a church, and there are rituals that are very much a part of who I am.

The first thing I did this morning was pull out the pancake recipe that I found online some weeks ago. Because I am bound and determined that there will be pancakes this Tuesday so I had to make sure I picked up anything I needed at the grocery store. I am not sure why the pancakes are so important to me this year. It's certainly not anything my family has made a regular habit of doing, but I remember last year really wanting pancakes and when I realized it was going to be Lent I really wanted pancakes, therefore pancakes will be had.

Then I started thinking about what I should give up for Lent. Lots of people give up chocolate or fast food or desserts ... but for the most part I am already mostly cutting those out of my life so that didn't work. But this morning at the gym, after more than a week of sloth (meaning no gym/exercise) it hit me. Instead of giving something up I am going to take something on. So starting Wednesday it will be 40 days of No Excuses for Not Exercising. Obviously there may have to be some excuses - if I get injured or viciously ill or have a migraine like I did last Wednesday. But no wimp-ass "I'm tired" or "I worked late" or "I'm in a bad mood". Because you know what? as soon as I get there the exercise takes all those excuses and kicks them to the curb and I am always glad that I made myself go. Getting through the door is 90% of the battle and it is always worth it. For my good health.

Fragments

2008-01-31T18:23:00.000-08:00

I'm still reeling from yesterdays migraine.

My mom told me not to worry. Was I worrying? she asked. The answer was yes even though I said no. I am not sure I am ready to talk about it yet.

Not sure that January is ending on a high note but overall the month has gone much better than anticipated. December was so ... I am not sure there is one word to describe it. I spent much of December in Edmonton and that was good and bad and neither all at once. I came to some pretty big realizations (not ready to talk about those either) and took what amounted to very large steps in some direction that I can only hope was the right one and was emotionally up and down and all over the map, beginning 2008 as a pool of tears on several peoples shoulders. When people asked what was wrong all I could do was sob that I didn't want to go home. Home being Calgary. Not home being Edmonton. (I find I very confusingly refer to both cities as home and not home and I apologize here and now for all the times I am sure I won't spell myself out. ) Everyone was super great about telling me I could come visit whenever I wanted and that I could stay at their place if I didn't want to stay at my parents and it was only 4 weeks until I saw the Scrapbooking Girls and only 3 weeks after that until Family Day and then there would be Beth's shower and ... But that wasn't the point exactly. While there are definitely days when I would like to go home (Edmonton) there is also at this point an overwhelming sense that I am supposed to be in Calgary. I don't know what that means or why I feel that way and often wonder if it is just my inability to give up and admit that I can't do this (this being living 3 hours away from my entire family/family of friends) except that I can do this and have been doing it and ... The point was that my whole world had fallen apart about oh, umpteen million times over the course of 31 days and I had kept it together because I was all cocooned in my safety net and every time I fell someone I loved was right there to catch me, whether they knew that's what they were doing or not. And I just knew that the aftermath of my falling apart was going to start hitting the fan and I was going to be in Calgary, alone, trying to catch myself and I didn't see how that was even remotely possible. But the aftermath ... well maybe it is still coming. Or maybe those phone calls to B and Dev coming for breakfast and lunch with Simone and Niki having me over for supper & an evening of Dallas and making tentative plans with Shannon to start a book club and dinner with Amanda and finding out from Chels that I could stay here indefinitely and writing again ... maybe those small and unrelated things were enough to hold me together or at least hold me still so that some of the fragmented pieces could settle.

4 years and growing ...

2008-01-28T18:00:00.000-08:00

1. Finish Europe Scrapbook

It took me the better part of 4 years but I put the finishing touches on my Europe scrapbook over the weekend. I started scrapbooking the spring of 2004 after Kristy & Chantal came back from Mexico, almost a year after I took my trip with Beth & Mel. We still lived in the Party House and a group of us (Kristy, Chantal, Karen & Sabrina) would get together every couple of weeks to work on our individual projects together. Sabrina is our "dealer", she works for a scrapbooking company so she is our direct line to papers, stickers and all the cool tools that make scrapbooking an absolute addiction. As our lives got busier we found less and less time to make scrapbooking a group activity, but still get together periodically to share ideas, trade tools and tips and provide positive feedback about eachothers work.

We spent this last weekend at a bed & breakfast near Ferintosh - scrapbooking, socializing and getting pampered by our hosts. They provide 3 square meals a day, a huge room to spread out our projects, a hot tub, lots of beds and as many cinnamon buns as your heart desires (not to mention tarts, pudding, pancakes and an amazing dessert that tasted exactly like a drumstick). I enjoy scrapbooking - it combines my love of taking pictures with my penchant for hanging on to assorted oddments that I pick up along my travels AND I get to hang out with 4 girls I don't spend nearly enough time with now that I am in Calgary (and who am I kidding, in the last year before I left for Calgary). I also find scrapbooking challenging which is why I prefer to do it in a group setting so that I can get opinions and positive reinforcement that my efforts don't look like crap.

I'm not quite sure how to explain why I find scrapbooking so challenging. It's not exactly that I don't think I am a creative person - but it's not a part of my brain I use very often so my creative skills are a little rusty. And I have always been told that I am no artist - which is true in the sense that I couldn't draw a stick person to save my life - but I am starting to realize that you can be artistic in ways that don't involve drawing or painting and I like that scrapbooking is an outlet that allows me to find my inner artist and to express myself in ways I might not otherwise be able to. I have ideas for other projects now that the Europe book is complete, a little smaller than scale but by no means less important to telling a story about who I am and where I have come from. I'm looking for other ways to tell that story - blogging here more often is going to be another outlet, buying a new camera and taking more photos is a top priority. It's all about opening myself up to new ways of expressing myself, new ways of thinking about communication, new ways of figuring out exactly who I was and who I am becoming.

More than a list

2008-01-24T19:01:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about goals lately, as I review my old 101 list and try to create my new 101 list (I'm at 98). About how setting goals is a good way to really think about where you are and where you want to be and what you want to do along the way. About how accomplishing your goals is fulfilling and provides a sense of moving forward. About how some goals are easily quantifiable and have an obvious end and how other goals are just kind of ethereal and hard to pin down as totally done because they never are, not really.

I've been thinking about how great it is that I accomplished 73 things that I set out to do almost 3 years ago now. And how while that is fantastic and amazing ... well what about those 28 that I didn't finish? Why didn't I finish them? Did I fail by not finishing them? And there is no real definitive answer. To any of the questions. I guess who I am now is different and the same as who I was 3 years ago. I guess I have different goals and different dreams and at the same time I have some of the same goals and dreams and it is very confusing at times. To figure out who I was and who I am and who I want to be. Who I want to be to myself and who I want to be to others. I have tendrils of thoughts that almost come close to being answers but they are difficult to grasp and almost always when I am half asleep.

I've been thinking about all of the really cool stuff I did in 3 years, all the not so cool stuff, all the happy and sad and extraordinarily painful moments, all the things I would never have thought to put on my 101 list but that happened anyways and have helped to shape the way my life is heading today. Not only did I go to Greece, but I flew overseas and saw most of Athens by myself and then spent the rest of my 10 days having a very fabulous time with my parents and meeting a lot of people from Holland. I went up two Acropolises (Acropoli?) and one of them involved a donkey. I went to game 6 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. I got a new job (on the list) and it involved moving (not on the list) all by myself to a city where I really knew no one and without my BFF to hold my hand. I saw one of my best friends get married - was her maid of honor, hand made invitations, learned enough about powerpoint to make a slideshow, wrote and said a speech, got seranaded, and had actual conversations with boys from highschool who used to terrify me. I hit Las Vegas twice, kissed a real live baseball player, took a road trip to Palm Springs, went to LA and saw Wicked (!!) at the Pantages Theatre. I met Simone, her fabulous family, and got to be part of her entire pregnancy. I have a better relationship with my mom than ever before. I did readings at my grandmothers funeral. I bought a new car.

I guess what I am trying to tell myself is that while it is well and good to have a list of things I would like to do, it is also more than acceptable to not do all of those things, to have my priorities shift or change all together and to have experiences that I never would have had the foresight to plan out on paper.

Wrap up

2008-01-23T19:25:00.001-08:00

I realized a while back that the deadline for my 101 things in 1001 days has long since come and gone. So the other day I did my final tally and was pleasantly surprised to find that I had completed 73 items on my list and had started work on several of the last 28. (Yay!) This was much better than anticipated, especially considering some of the stuff I thought was a long shot (Greece) actually managed to get knocked off. It even inspired me to make up a new list, which at this point I am not going to post publicly but may use as fodder for future entries if the results are interesting enough. I will mention one goal that does affect this site though, which is to write a minimum of 36 new entries ... I figure that means writing at least once a month and although I am hoping to write more than that, once a month will be a good start if nothing else.

The last few days have been mostly good, even though I feel terribly burnt out at work what with the short staffing and all. I still love my job but half staff with no end in sight is not very fun even when you are doing something you love. The one bleak spot was finding out that Simone is 99% for sure moving back to Edmonton, which means a)if our head office can't accomodate her living in Edmonton when she is done her mat leave we are down another person and b)one of my best girls will no longer live in the same city as me. Who will I have TV nights and dinners with? When will I get to see 2 of my favorite boys? But this is not about me, and I know how much Simone has wanted to go back to Edmonton and how unhappy she has been alone in Chestermere while her husband works out of town so much of the time. So I am honestly happy for her and think this will be a good step for her.

I think part of our bond, aside from automatically being kindred spirits, is that we are both displaced Edmontonians. We understand what it is like to love our job but not really feel at home in Calgary, to worry about being so far away if something were to happen to someone that we love. In some ways it is different because as much as there are hard days and moments when I wish I could just go home I also feel like Calgary is where I am supposed to be. I feel like given enough time I can make Calgary work for me. It is hard to find the balance though - between going home often enough that I don't get homesick and super lonely for my family & friends, and staying in Calgary for long enough periods to feel like I am starting to have a life and make friends here. Trial and error and baby steps I guess.

Step 1

2008-01-20T17:53:00.000-08:00

A lot has changed in the last year.
Actually a lot has changed in the last month.

Good changes I think, even though I am still reeling from certain self-revelations and not entirely sure what it all means yet. Kind of like I burst through a shell that I didn't even know existed, never mind that it was holding me back. But the last few weeks have been tentative steps forward and even if I can't quite quantify all or any of it, something is different. The same but different.

I still don't quite know where I fit in or belong. I still feel torn between Edmonton and Calgary - both of them being home but not home at the same time. I still have the urge to write but the fear of actually opening up to others and to myself, as well as feeling like my life is too routine to actually be an interesting read and that while I probably possess the skills to make it an interesting read ... what if I fail? Clearly I have not made much progress in my attempts to get over my fear of failure.

I am kind of sad at the moment. For a lot of reasons but mainly because moving forward (even if it is at a snail's pace) definitely means leaving certain things behind and/or having a different relationship with some people/things. But in some ways I have been holding on to an ideal that never really was, or hasn't been for a long time, and I have to let that go. For example: my friendship circle is not the same as it was 4ish years ago when I lived in the Party House and the majority of my friends also lived in the University area and it was so easy to find time to hang out and get a group together. People have moved away, time is more of a luxury these days ... the list can go on. And while there are times, like Christmas, when most people come back and it feels like the old days again ... those old days are gone and the friendships are different. Not necessarily a bad thing. But an important thing for me to realize when I compare my life now to my life then.

The other thing I have realized is that no matter the distance, even if they can't swing by at the drop of a hat anymore, there are people in that circle who love me unconditionally. At the moment I am not entirely sure I deserve that. But they are there whenever I need my pieces put back together. They have always been there: when I didn't want my pieces put back together, when they didn't know why I needed to be put back together, when I didn't realize I needed to be put back together. They are the glue that has held me together and I am not sure if I have ever said thank-you. I am not sure if saying thank-you is even remotely enough.

Oh Dear

2007-08-06T20:28:00.000-07:00

So I am just going to stop promising that I am going to update more frequently because clearly that is just a waste of my time and yours (if you are still reading). I'll write when I write and that's just going to have to be good enough for all of us.
I keep wondering why I am not writing and there are many theories, some of which are valid and others are just me making up excuses because I don't want to delve too deep into my psyche. Because while many aspects of my life are better at the moment I am still plenty screwed up and scared and I'm just not sure I want to get in to all that. Mostly because I don't want to admit to myself that there is still so far for me to travel. And also I am starting to think that my self-perfectionism is really and truly overrated and I should just let myself fuck up once in a while. Although I am wondering if I stopped putting pressure on myself who would there be to challenge me and push me to be the best person I can be? It is doubtful that there are people waiting in the sidelines wanting to fill those shoes. So I have to dig deep to motivate myself, to get myself there - wherever the hell there actually is. Maybe there is a happy medium - I can push myself to outer limits and learn to accept failure when it happens. My new trainer is teaching me a lot about that. Failure is good! she always tells me. When you fail and pick up and keep going, when you feel that deep burn, that's love! I think she is one of the most inspirational women I have ever met and I know quite a few inspirational women so that is saying something. So that is what I am working on - accepting that I might fail and that doesn't make me a bad person. Trying again and again and again if that's what it takes to get there. Accepting that "there" is completely and totally subjective and it is ok if I am not where I thought I wanted to be or where others think I should be or 100% in line with where I perceive everyone else to be. I don't have to fit in, I just have to be strong within myself and keep moving.
I struggle with feelings of inadequacy on a daily basis. Some days are better than others, over the last years more days have been good than bad. But I still struggle and I still fall and these last weeks have been hard on me, although I doubt many people would know that. No one asks and I don't feel comfortable telling. I've retreated a little bit into my shell and I am working on poking my head back out there again. I just wish once it would come easy.
Met a boy recently, and it could be something, could be nothing, doesn't matter really. What matters is that it brought up all my crazy fears again. But I didn't sabotage myself at that first meeting and I guess all I can do is take baby steps and try to be self aware and not sabotage myself if we meet again. Because I have this crazy broken instinct where I run everytime a nice boy gets too close and then overcompensate by sticking around WAY too long when the jerks come calling.
So that's how I am. Confused and messed up and working through it.

A plan

2007-06-07T06:34:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. My last post is all these are my goals and I am well aware that one of them was to write more. And have I done that? Well I could pretend that I have updated my paper journal (and I have, twice) but really there has been not so much with the writing. And not so much with the self reflecting - I think this is being reflected in the fact that I am up around 4 am every morning with my brain whirling madly. And at 4 am I am not so inclined to delve deep into my psyche, I just want to go back to sleep for 2 more hours so that I can make it through my very busy day. So I have settled on a plan that I am hoping will help me sleep through the night and also mean that you (is there anyone still reading?) will hear more from me here. It's a plan, not a promise, keep in mind. But I figure since I am up anyways and since technically I don't have to be at work until 8:45 (9 shortly since I don't get summer flex days) and I don't really need 2.5 hours to get ready that I will use my free morning time to do some writing. As of right now I have a lot of work and have been going in early but I am getting close to caught up so the plan should work.

Of course part of the plan is going to involve some self-ass-kicking to motivate me to actually share some of the details of my life and to do some of that inner soul searching that I have been avoiding - starting to feel a little bit like Scarlett O'Hara with all the "I'll think about it tomorrows" that have been going on. And I know that if I let it tomorrow will never come.

Busy busy at the moment helping to plan Miss Cordelia's wedding ... some days it feels like MY wedding which is nice in some ways because I have never really been this involved in a wedding before and Cordelia is one of my best friends and I am so excited to share her day with her. In other ways it is not so nice because I do silly things like make shower invitations from scratch and spend 2 hours going through pictures of people I don't really know for the slide show AND I have to write a speech. It's not that there isn't anything to say, it's that there is too much to say and I am not entirely sure how to say it. And also my teeny tiny fear of public speaking. I just really have to sit down and start and I am sure the words will flow ... I am just scared they won't capture the essence of how I feel or what I want to say, or that it will be too in-between friends and no one else will get it or care. I guess I just have to accept that as long as I speak from the heart it doesn't matter if anyone cares as long as it is meaningful to Cordie but that isn't stopping the pressure I am putting on myself.

Goals:2007

2007-01-07T16:05:00.000-08:00

So it is a little bit late for me to be all New Years resolutiony and favorite memories from 2006 blah blah blah. Which usually isn't really me anyways. At least not in any sort of tangible format that I can come back and look upon and realize how badly I have strayed or how different my life has become and how I have ended up somewhere weirdly wonderful that I never anticipated in my wildest dreams. Life's funny like that. And some days I think I would like more of a documentation of my hopes and dreams, awkward moments and heartaches. I just wish I was a little better at translating my thoughts and sometimes fleeting feelings into the written word, a little bit more comfortable sharing those parts of me with those of you still reading.

But I have been thinking lately about how things have changed and how things are changing and I guess in some ways I wonder if making a list of what I hope to accomplish in 2007 will at least give me the pretense of some sort of control over my life. Because it is changing and I am changing and sometimes I wonder what would happen if things just stopped for a second, would I have some understanding of the master plan? would I feel less reactionary? would I feel like I was actually making a difference? Or would I just fixate on things that in the grand scheme of things, in retrospect, never really mattered.

So here we go.

1. Volunteer somewhere
2. Continue meeting new people (so far the people Calgary has introduced into my life have been fantastic - Jenna, Brom, Grant, Crystal (Orlando!!), Simone to name but a few - so I am hoping I continue to have luck in this area)
3. Be better informed
4. Read more
5. Get over the AWKWARD and see where things lead
6. Visit: Vancouver, Las Vegas and where ever B ends up in the fall, Edmonton (but I think that goes without saying)
7. Buy a new car
8. Figure out a long term place to live - buy a condo?? (I'm freaking out here)
9. Continue to excel at my job, continue to love my job, continue to learn how to do my job better
10. Sing more, dance more, play more
11. Figure out what to say and how to say it (speech for my sister's wedding)
12. Lose the "Freshman 10" I've gained since moving to Calgary
13. Enjoy a healthy lifestyle - eat better, work out consistently, listen to my body
14. Learn
15. Love
16. Dream
17. Be less critical of myself
18. Be bold
19. Write more (which I know I keep saying. I blame working on a computer all day meaning I never want to turn mine on when I'm at home. But I can keep a paper journal. Or suck it up and turn on my computer anyways.)
20. Write honestly
21. Keep in touch with those I love
22. Be creative
23. Take photos
24. Worry less - make the most informed decisions possible and accept that what will be will be.
25. Phase out negativity
26. BE - be happy, sad, angry, frustrated, scared. Don't apologize for it.
27. bake, cook, explore new foods
28. Move on - get rid of the jacket, confront the insecurities, dare to be hurt again. It really is time.
29. Move forward
30. Embrace change - it certainly isn't going anywhere

Liberally Conservative

2006-12-16T15:55:00.000-08:00

I had my first Calgary haircut today. I was more than a little nervous because while I have had some fabulous stylists (hi Yames, hi Elena!!) I have also had more than my fair share of not so fabulous stylists - remember the mullet?? To be fair it is possible that they were not so bad and it was just that my hair is particularly finicky but still. No one likes a bad hair cut.

I got advice from one of my co-workers ... (I seriously think they should write a book based on all of my questions, they would make a lot of money selling to new Calgarians who possibly have the same questions and also the businesses they recommend should give a little kickback because they would be swimming in new customers. And with good reason as my girls have never steered me wrong yet. ) But I was still worried, what if her hair wasn't as temperamental as mine? (likely) what if I got lost (even more likely) and was late thereby making a bad impression? what if we had nothing to talk about and I sat there for 2.5 hours and hoped for conversational inspiration and then hated my haircut? I could go on but seeing as how I should be getting ready for my company Christmas party I won't.

However, as usual (you'd think I would get the hint and stop worrying already), my fears were groundless. I didn't get lost, Will (my new STRAIGHT stylist - this is a first) was more than fabulous and my hair is ... how did we decide to put it ... Liberally Conservative. He assures me that if I have any problems I can come back and he will do a touch up for free and that he cut just enough off so that I can go my customary 3 months before visiting him again. Plus he informed me several times that I was absolutely gorgeous, that I would be stunning at my party tonight, that I have an amazing personality to go with my super good looks, that I am generally amazing and intelligent and wonderful. If you think his flurry of compliments earned him a nice tip you would be right. But I honestly think he was being genuine and it was nice to feel pampered and appreciated for a couple of hours.

Suddenly (like magic) I float

2006-12-15T19:53:00.000-08:00

Apparently the trick to making something part of your routine is to do it daily for a minimum of 28 days. You have to really concentrate for the first little while but then suddenly like magic it's old hat. One of the things I want to make part of my daily life again is writing - here, in my journal, somewhere, just writing. Unfortunately with the very long list of things I want to change and the equally long list of things that are changing without my consent writing has been pushed to the back of the line. Maybe next month I keep telling myself. And the days go by and I don't write and it gets easier and easier. But I feel as though by shoving the writer in me into a dark corner I am not being entirely true to myself. So here I go, attempting to begin again, to find the words that I have been meaning to say.

I went to my second Calgary yoga class today. I took yoga for 2 years in Edmonton with my dad but this class is very different. For one thing, it is just me. But then everything in Calgary is pretty much just me at the moment. So it is kind of weird to not go with my dad and not see the same people that I saw every Monday, and not have it be my old instructor. And it has been almost 6 months since my last class so I feel very rusty and out of practice ... for the first time I feel like I am at the weak link in the class. Everyone else seems more flexible, more focused, more everything. Which I shouldn't even be thinking about because part of the mentality of yoga is to honor your own body, to listen to your own body, to accept your own body. I am especially not very good at the last one. I am sure all that I had learned in my previous practices will come back to me (apparently I have very good muscle memory) and my body will begin to stretch out once again and my mind will find focus and until that point I will just do my best to block out the white noise from the rest of my week.

One of the things I love about yoga, or I guess that I love about myself in yoga practice is that at some point the rest of the world just melts away. It doesn't matter that there is a work crisis that I will have to deal with on Monday, it doesn't matter that I got caught up in the crisis and left work late and was almost late for class, it doesn't matter that I have 4 million things to do before I head home for Christmas and only 7 more days to do them in, it doesn't matter that I am worried that I am going to be lonely with my one new very good friend in New Zealand for a month ... all that matters is my breathing and my body ... all that I have to concentrate on is being strong and breathing deep and listening to my inner rhythm. All I have to do is be. Be present in the moment, in the stretch (or asana), in myself. And I float. When it has been a particularly good class I float for hours after and life is good and I am at peace.

I didn't think I would miss yoga as much as I did and I am very excited to have found a class that fits into my schedule and that is challenging for me. I was a little worried that it was too challenging but my instructor assures me that while there are a few areas that are definitely tight and need tweaking my practice is strong and I should do just fine. It seems like a bit of a younger crowd and the studio is warm and inviting and the other people who take the class seem very nice. So maybe I might even meet a few people.

Outside of my comfort zone ...

2006-12-11T18:58:00.000-08:00

People keep asking me why I moved away. And it's not an easy question to answer. There are so many answers and all of them feel like half-truths.

I guess in its simplest form the truth is this: I moved because some voice deep inside told me that I had to. I moved to gain some distance and perspective, to carve MY life for MYself, to take a job opportunity that had presented itself. But mostly I moved because I couldn't not move. Or I couldn't stay where I was. However you want to put it.

People keep telling me that I am so brave to have moved. To have come to a strange city where I really know no one. To have come by myself, for myself, with only myself to rely on. That I am brave and adventurous to be exploring the city, finding the gyms and the stores and the classes and the places (and hopefully eventually the friends) that I want in my daily life. Most days it doesn't feel brave at all. Some days it feels like I ran away from a lot of problems I didn't want to deal with and I am not sure where the bravery is in that. I ran to a better and safer and healthier place but I still ran. I'm changing myself but I'm not changing the realities I left behind. Is there really bravery to be found here?

I guess the fact that I am aware that there are still problems from my past to be faced counts for something. I am gathering strength to deal with them when they rear their ugly heads as I am sure they will. I am gathering happiness and positive moments and inner peace. And when the time comes I will deal the best way I know how. And I will pick up my pieces and move forward with what is left when the time comes.

One of the things BW always said to me was that I had to push myself, I had to live outside of my comfort zone, I had to try as hard as I could and then I had to try a little bit harder than that. Not because I am not good enough the way that I am but because I deserve more than I could ever imagine. I think those words (or at least my paraphrase of his words) will be with me forever. I hear them at the gym when I feel too tired to run another minute or do another set or try a harder exercise. I hear them every morning when I get up and face another day on my own. I hear them when I am too scared to try and find a new place or meet a new person or try something new. Those words are like a battering ram that chip away at my inhibitions and make me into a better person. They are my mantra, my driving force, my will to keep growing and changing one day at a time.

A New Beginning

2006-12-10T11:37:00.000-08:00

One of my goals, now that I have regular internet access that is not work based, is to start writing here again. Although now that I have stopped for a while, and to be truthful was never really good at updating almost the whole year I lived at home ... well the idea of writing here again seems a little daunting. How to express myself, what to share, how to capture exactly what I am feeling and thinking and doing. I know that with practice the skills of self expression will come back, will improve. I guess I just have to accept (and ask you to accept) that this may be little more than a laundry list as I get the hang of things again. Assuming I ever had the hang of things in the first place. But if writing here (anywhere) is as important to me as it seems to be I have to let go of the fear and just breathe and let it all out.
And yes, I have goals here. And to-do lists that reach as far as next Christmas and dreams that stretch further than I can imagine right now. I am slowly building a life for myself here. More slowly than I would like some days but for the most part I am happy and content. So happy and content that I am almost not sure it is actually me living my life. Things are not perfect by any means, and there are moments of intense homesickness but there are also moments of feeling like this is exactly where I should be, this is what I should be doing, this is who I should be becoming. So while my moving away from everything and everyone I have ever loved has been a very big ending, in many ways it has been an even bigger beginning.

Quick note ...

2006-10-09T08:40:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to say that things are going really well and I love my job and I will write more frequently and in more detail hopefully starting in a month once I have regular internet access again.

I'll find my way ...

2006-08-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

Maybe not always, but for as long as I can remember I have always been waiting for that bolt of inspiration to hit me. I've believed somehow (who really knows where beliefs come from?) that one day I would wake up and know who I was and where I fit in and what I wanted to be when I grew up and just exactly how to get there. But it seems that everytime I start to think that maybe it is coming together; maybe I have an idea of what the big picture would look like; maybe this is who I am and what I want and where I am going ... well then in one big explosion of chaos everything changes and I'm back at square one again and things look a little different. Or a lot different. Or practically unrecognizable.

So I am moving in a week. Giving up my job which I know and well, don't exactly love but KNOW. Giving up my room and my city and my routine and my friends and everything else that seems to make up any semblance of how I know myself. And I wonder: Will I be different in a different city? Will I be happy? Will I make new friends and find new routines? Everyone else seems to be so sure that I will be just fine. Everyone else has always seemed to believe in me more than I have ever believed in myself. And I don't think it is low self-esteem exactly ... I've just never really thought of myself as having a major impact on the world - I get up, I go to work, I do my thing. I don't change lives, I just do the best that I can and often feel like my best is not enough because people are always always always asking me to give more.

Only now that I am leaving it is occuring to me that maybe I make more of an impression than I thought ... Everywhere I go people are telling me how sorry they are to see me leave - the ladies at the bank, customers I didn't even realize knew my name, my parents' neighbours, my dr, my therapist ... they all tell me that I am a wonderful and amazing woman and wish me the best of luck. And it is sort of bizarre to me and I keep wondering how exactly I managed to fool so many people ... My mom says I need to get a better grip on reality - it's like when I was in Gr 1 and on the honor roll but in tears because I didn't think I was smart (honor roll equals smart) or now when I ask if I look fat (size 4 does not equal fat) - and of course I am wonderful and amazing (Cara equals wonderful and amazing) see how this works? And my therapist says that when the negative thoughts start creeping around and trying to take root that I just need to tell them to stop - stop creeping, stop niggling, stop worrying. Which, let me tell you, is a lot easier in theory than in practice.

I've come a long ways. Maybe you wouldn't believe that from this entry. But the fact that I am writing about how scared I am right now should be some sort of proof because mostly I try to keep those tiny cracks in my armor to myself. Which maybe you also wouldn't believe if you've dealt with my drama and my confusion - big sweeping problems I am good with sharing. But believe me: I've come a long ways. And I'm going places - even if I don't know where they are or how to get there. I'll find my way.

Deja Vu

2006-08-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

It's like my first day of Gr 9 ... I'm freaking out about everything under the sun (hi, have we met? I over react and blow things out of proportion .. but in all honestly Summer of 1994 was one of the worst in recollection) and I show up at school only to find out that my 3 best friends are in one class and I'm all alone in the other.
Of course back in Gr 9 I was able to pull some strings and get moved into my friends French class to help ease the transition ... today there are no strings to pull, no safety nets ....
And I know that these are great changes and I am going to be a better person for all of it - one of the best things that came from the big split up is my friendship with B - and I also know that just because things are going to be different it doesn't mean they're going to be OVER - look at my friendship with Niki ... but I still can't help wishing my life didn't feel like such a freefall at the moment.
But I'll fix a smile on my face and fake it til I make it ... not a lot of other choices at the moment.

#30 - Find a new job

2006-07-20T10:18:00.000-07:00

I start September 5!!!

And I am so excited you don't even understand.

I would promise a more substantial update but right now there are too many words and too many changes.

Here's a secret ...

2006-06-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I lie. And I'm not always proud of that fact because it usually makes me feel like I have something to be ashamed about. And I wish that I could be stronger and tell the truth all the time. And I wish even more that I could always be the person everyone else seems to want me to be because then maybe I would feel like I belong again. And by everyone else I probably mean no one because it's all in my head.

But the thing with lying ... well, I usually do it because a)I am not sure what the truth actually is or b) I feel like the truth would rock the boat too much. And when people accept my lie - when I know they know it's a lie - then it feels (to me) like they are giving me permission to continue lying. Like they are agreeing that the truth would rock the boat and it is better that I keep up the pretense that my lie is the truth. So my one little lie grows into several and at the end of the day does anybody really know me anymore? Do I even know myself?

I want to be secure in the knowledge that no matter how many times I screw up (and I know better than anyone that it's a lot) there will be people in my life who will stand by me and help me pick up the pieces. Even if (and maybe especially when) they know/feel that I am wrong to choose the path I'm taking. I'd like to be trusted to make my own mistakes. And maybe that's a lot to ask and maybe it's more a matter of trusting myself and plowing ahead and maybe it's all just an illusion.

Note to Self

2006-05-27T08:40:00.000-07:00

Self: Please, please, please, please, please, please (please?) learn that whenever a guy tells you that he really likes you but he doesn't want to date anyone right now what he really means is that he doesn't want to date YOU and the likelyhood of him turning around and dating someone else in about 2.5 nanoseconds and then bitching to you about it when it doesn't work out because you're friends right? is about, oh, roughly .. 100%.

I'm so done.

GREECE!!

2006-05-14T17:50:00.000-07:00

The Parthenon at the top of Athens Acropolis
For all intents & purposes, we stayed on the Mediterranean side

of Rhodes, so this is the Mediterranean Sea.

An olive grove - olives are very important to Greece
My mom's Octopus Salad. You probably had to be there but

hearing her go on about the "squiggly bits" was pretty

hysterical. Also, Mythos, the local Greek beer.

An ancient stadium at Delphi to give you a taste of some ruins

A donkey ride up to the Acropolis at Lindos.

Learning how to Greek dance.

49 in 540

2006-05-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

February 5, 2005 to November 2, 2007

1.Finish my Europe Scrapbook

2.Make a CD for Kristy

3.Have coffee with Terry

4.Rewrite my resume - completed April 16, 2005

5.Go to the strippers with B & Neil - completed April 16, 2005

6.Continue working out minimum of 2x per week (preferably 4x) for all 1001 days

7.Read a minimum of 50 new books by January 23, 2006:
50 down; 0 to go - completed January 23, 2006

8.Buy a condo

9.Save for & go to Greece – completed April 26 to May 6, 2006

10.Make the skirt that Chantal and I bought fabric for in October 2003

11.Pay off my edited to line of credit

12.Take a class – cooking, dance, pottery, photography, whatever: completed October 2005 - I've been taking step classes at the local gym

13.Visit Dave (I’ve only been promising for 2 years)- completed October 19-23,2005

14.Take a road trip - completed July 30 - August 3, 2005

15.Replace the battery in my watch/buy a new watch - completed March 19, 2004

16.Date someone for more than 2 seconds

17.Get a (at least one) professional massage - accomplished April 20, 2005

18.Learn a little HTML – I would be happy if I could add links in/to my entries - completed October 21, 2005

19.Do a perfect squat: completed July 21, 2005

20.Read something by Jane Austen

21.Drink an entire beer without once making my patented “This is terrible!” face - completed June 24, 2005

22.Renew my passport - completed July 27, 2005

23.Watch Season 7 of Buffy with B - completed March 25, 2005

24.Make cabbage rolls

25.Make perogies

26.Donate to 4 charities: 5 down 0 to go - completed September 16, 2005

27.Read 10 non-fiction books
5 down; 5 to go

28.Return the 4 books that have been sitting on my shelf waiting to go home for ages - completed May 11, 2005

29.Go to Vegas with the Trio of Trouble

30.Find a new job

31.Make a pie

32.Go to the zoo - completed July 30, 2005

33.Go to a museum – completed April 28, 2006

34.Go houseboating (even if I have to be in charge of organizing it)

35.Buy more pillows for my bed - completed February 12,2005

36.Buy a book of blender drinks - completed February 9, 2005

37.Buy (and use) shoe racks - completed February 19, 2005

38.Go skinny dipping

39.Buy fun new sheets

40.Learn how to drive stick

41.Try snowboarding

42.Eat at 6 new restaurants
a)Bulgogi House: February 10,2005
b)Dynasty (Dim Sum): February 20, 2005
c)Culina: May 28, 2005
d)Mongolie Grill: June 1, 2005
e)Langano Skies: November 2, 2005
f) I'm counting this done cause I went to a trillion new restaurants in Greece

43.Visit Donna & Foreman (not Wisconsin)

44.Visit Warmer than Here

45.Buy a plant - completed February 19, 2005

46.And keep it alive for at least 6 months: completed August 19, 2005 (yes it is still alive today)

47.Have brunch with Stan: completed November 2, 2005 (technically it was supper but I'm counting it cause the goal was to spend time with Stan)

48.Clean out/organize drawers & closet - completed August 7, 2005

49.Play in the park: completed August 20, 2005

50.Fly a kite

51.Have a picnic lunch

52.Get drunk with Emily and swing on the swings in Gyro Park

53.See 5 plays - completed November 9, 2005
a)The Salon of the Talking Turk - March 4, 2005
b)Romeo & Juliet - July 5, 2005
c)Songs for a New World - August 24, 2005
d)Mamma Mia! - September 7, 2005
e)Chicago - November 9, 2005
f)At the Xenith of the Empire - November 10, 2005

54.Go on ebay

55.And actually buy something

56.Watch a porno

57.Make garlic toast that doesn’t make B gag - completed March 18, 2004

58.Go on an overnight hike

59.Take my used books to a used book store

60.Get a pedicure: completed May 18, 2005

61.Take a strippercise class with B - completed June 30, 2005

62.Go horseback riding – completed May 3, 2006 (technically it was a donkey but I’m counting it)

63.Go bowling

64.Watch the second half of Sex in the City Season 6 with Kristy - completed April 26, 2005

65.Go to the beach 3 times
a)Lake Invermere - July 31, 2005
b)Wasa Lake - August 2, 2005
c)Michelon Lake - August 21, 2005

66.Go camping: completed July 1-3, 2005

67.Get a library card - completed February 21, 2002

68.Buy something from a sex toy party/store

69.Make seafood crepes

70.Have a chocolate fondue night: completed January 6, 2006

71.Spend a full day at the spa

72.Get a new makeup bag - completed February 19, 2005

73.Buy a new TV

74.Drink a Hurricane

75.Go for a dress up supper

76.Do an entire crossword without getting help once: completed August 22, 2005

77.Watch Gone With the Wind

78.Clean out my car - completed August 4, 2005

79.Buy Season 1 of CSI - completed June 10, 2005

80.Replace the mats in my car with plastic ones

81.Throw a dinner party: completed December 18, 2005 (I am deciding that Pseudo Christmas counts)

82.Buy flowers for someone, just because - completed April 7, 2005

83.Buy myself flowers - completed April 2, 2005

84.Fix my frog prince (Greg did this for me)- completed November 11, 2005

85.Send 10 pieces of fun mail: 10 down;0 to go - I am considering this done cause I mailed out way more than 10 Christmas cards with personal notes and all. completed December 9, 2005

86.Go skiing

87.Buy a dress coat - completed November 11, 2005

88.Spend an afternoon shopping on Whyte Ave - completed April 2, 2005

89.Have a date with Beth & Melly & Terry

90.Eat Gelato – completed May 3, 2006

91.Go to a wine tasting – completed May 1, 2006

92.Go see a psychic/palm reader

93.Volunteer somewhere

94.Take a roll of black & white photos

95.Watch the sun rise

96.Take pictures of the city skyline from my current balcony: completed May 29, 2005

97.Go stargazing

98.Go skating

99.Go canoeing

100.Have a waterfight

101. Have hair long enough to put in braids again – completed May 4, 2006

* italics denote works in progress

In Loving Memory

2006-04-17T21:18:00.000-07:00

We remember a life today

and all that made her who she was -

all that delighted her,

that made her laugh

or moved her to tears,

calling to mind her story,

and the many lives she touched along the way

We honor a life today -

her outlook,

her inner strength,

and the things that she believed in -

recognizing her goodness,

her uniqueness,

her own special gifts

shared generously with the rest of the world.

We celebrate a life today

and her connections with family and friends

and all who loved her -

feeling enriched for having known her

and so grateful for our time with her,

for the way she affected us ...

inspired us ...

and affirmed for us

that this is how a beautiful life should be lived.

Comfortably Numb

2006-04-03T11:09:00.000-07:00

I suppose the upside to being at work today is that the more times I tell the story the more real it seems. I don't know that that makes it easier but I've reached a point of numb acceptance. As long as I don't have to look at my dad or my grandfather because then the tears threaten to flow in earnest. I guess, in all honesty, we don't know with 100% certainity how this will all play out until they take her off life-support tomorrow morning but I think that everyone has come to terms (as much as you can ever come to terms) with the fact that we have to let her go. But for now it is a bit of a waiting game. And we all know how good I am with waiting.

2006-04-02T12:09:00.000-07:00

One week ago today we were together celebrating my grandfather's 80th birthday.

Today we are together at the hospital celebrating my grandmother's life in its final moments.

What a difference one week can make.

If you want to find me ...

2006-03-16T12:31:00.000-08:00

I'll be at the gym. I have mostly finalized my spring schedule and here is what it looks like:
Monday: yoga
Tuesday: training session
Wednesday: drop in step class & pilates
Thursday: training session/hardcore cardo & buns/bellies class
Plus I try to go to the gym on Saturday & Sunday to do a drop in class or my own workout (but honestly even after a year and a half I am still a little scared of Solo Gym Time)

The good news is that each class works a different area of my body so it is at least a well rounded schedule. Plus I am starting to meet people AND not hate how my body looks in the mirror.

I honestly can't believe how much I enjoy the whole gym thing. Definitely when I started it was partially because I had a crush on a boy but it didn't take long for my gym time to become way more than that. I'm learning about my body and how it functions and it is fascinating in a weird sort of way. Frustrating sometimes because my balance can still be sucky and my scoliosis sometimes interferes with some of the shoulder exercises and I am still not great at squats. But every day I get better and stronger and faster and I feel like I am accomplishing something. Maybe I will never run a marathon or participate in a triathalon but I feel like I could if I wanted to and trained hard enough. (Except for maybe the swimming part because I have always had a problem with the proper breathing technique.)

And the whole body image ... I can't even begin to explain how huge that is for me.

No surprises here

2006-03-09T10:31:00.000-08:00

My poor girl B. She hurt her foot in a dance class back before Christmas and despite staying off it (mostly :p) and doing intense physio and all that other jazz it still hasn't healed properly. They finally referred her to a sports doctor who put her in a boot cast (3 months later!) and is referring her to an orthopaedic surgeon. Not exactly the news she wanted to hear, but at least now things will hopefully start to mend.

In other news, I kind of went on a coffee date on Monday. Which everyone seems to know about without me actually informing them so I'm sure the above is no shocker. I guess I just feel like I should make some sort of reference to it before the rumors get thoroughly out of hand because it was just a date. In fact to be even more specific, it was just 2 friends hanging out. We had coffee. We talked. End of story. And I mean, it was nice, don't get me wrong. It was good to hang out with someone I didn't really know and who I think is pretty cute and feel like I was making a decent impression. It was nice to not feel like I should have been prettier or smarter or more interesting or less talkative or whatever. For me, there were a lot of positive things that came out of the experience. But anyone who was expecting the beginnings of some epic romance is going to be sorely disappointed. Thankfully, for once in my life, I am not in that group ... in fact I think things went exactly the way they needed to. I still have a lot of stuff to work out. Again. Some more. And I look at that date and it shows me how much progress I have actually made and it makes me feel good about myself and it gives me some hope that more things will start falling into place and my life will start to mirror my vague envisionings of how it should be. So even though B says I need to move on from some stuff I am not quite ready to let go of and even though I know I need to move on ... well even though they are teeny tiny steps I have taken they are finally steps in the right direction. Whatever that actually means. I'm sure I'll figure it out.

My secret

2006-03-03T13:10:00.000-08:00

I really like Kraft Dinner. It's almost obscene how much I like Kraft Dinner (or, to switch things up, noodles with Cheez Whiz). Talk about probably one of the least nutritive things you could ever eat - although lately they have been advertising it as a high source of iron and calcium. Or something. And that flourescent orange powder. Logically it should be digusting. And yet there are some days when I really feel like I could eat Kraft Dinner all day every day.

Handle with Care

2006-03-01T12:15:00.000-08:00

I don't know how to write about this without sounding totally morbid .. but I am pretty sure my neighbour died last night. Something woke me up around 1 am and I looked out the window to see my dad shovelling the walks and an ambulance across the street. It all seemed so surreal, one minute I was sure it was an ambulance, the next a moving truck, the next not even positive that I had seen a vehicle at all, so I thought that maybe it was just a dream. But when I asked my mom this morning if I had really seen my dad out shovelling the walks in the wee hours she confirmed my initial suspicions. And it makes me a little sad, even though we had just received the news that his cancer was spreading. I lived across the street from him for almost my entire life. It goes without saying that my thoughts are with his family today. As well as with my "big sister" P's family because they have been struggling with the illness of her oldest son since mid-January and no matter what the outcome their lives are forever changed by the events of the last couple of months. It's like whatJo said the other day: Life is fragile and unpredictable.

Ch ch ch changes ...

2006-02-23T15:19:00.000-08:00

So I fully admit that when it comes to cars I am probably one of your stereotypical girls. I mean, I know the basics: how to pump my own gas, how to check the pressure in my tires (although I am slack-ass about actually doing that one), how to check my oil, how to fill up the windshield washer fluid. With everything else my attitude is pretty much "if it's not making a funny noise it's not worrying me."

I do love my Jellybean though so every couple of months I take it for an oilchange and engine flush and tire rotation and whatever else those more mechanically inclined people feel like doing in exchange for my money. (Just for the record I am not so naive as to let myself get screwed over and do talk about any major repair work with unbiased people more in the know than I am.) I've been taking the Jellybean to the same place for a while there and I have pretty much dealt with this guy, Steve, the whole time. The last few times there has been this other guy (Not Steve) who has helped me but Steve has always been reassuringly in the background, or else Not Steve will answer the phone and set up the appointment but then Steve is there to walk me through everything else. Steve is my car guy. But then today I went in for my oilchange and there was a New Guy. No Steve. No Not Steve. And I felt very lost and wanted to ask the guy where Steve was because that was where I was taking my car. Which is irrational because it's not like Steve was the guy who worked on my car, and I am sure the mechanics do the same good job whether it is Steve or Not Steve or New Guy who is running things up front. But I want Steve (in case it wasn't already clear where exactly my loyalty lies).

More good news

2006-02-17T15:40:00.000-08:00

Suddenly things are starting to gel.

A cute card from Melly & Roscoe complete with fun frog facts & pictures ... I picked my favorites and they were all Tree Frogs & Poison Dart Frogs. Who knew?
And also there is a fruit that has my name.
There you have my 2 Fun Facts for the day.

Plus ... My Greece trip is finally booked! As of about 5 minutes ago! So I am officially allowed to be just a little bit excited and start researching and figuring out exactly how I want to spend my time. Looks like 3 days in Athens and almost a week on Rhodes from April 26 - May 6. I already know I want to do a day trip to Delphi and a day trip to Crete and I think we are going to try and spend a day on either Santorini or Mykonos.

!!!

Have you been to Greece? Leave a comment if you have any suggestions on things I should see or do.

Trade?

2006-02-17T12:44:00.000-08:00

I have one dripping sniffy nose that I will very willingly trade for a non-drippy sniffless one.
Any takers??

Somehow I didn't think so.

In other more positive news I got an e-mail from an old friend, managed to put some extra money into my RRSP before March 1 which makes me feel moderately fiscally responsible and got told how fabulous I am looking. Maybe there will be a break in my CrankFest sooner than expected.

Also with no more Thursday night Alias and total OC suckage I am apparently watching Survivor this season ... kind of half heartedly between the pages of the latest book I am reading .... and I have to say Shane? Is CRAZY. and if I was on his tribe I would be purposefully losing challenges so that I could vote him out that much faster. Sadly I am not sure that the other members of his tribe have entirely caught on to the extent of his craziness as witnessed by last weeks blatant refusal to vote him out. Maybe they are kind of crazy too.

2006-02-13T14:57:00.000-08:00

Ok. So the point of moving over here was that I would update more. But then my brain sort of imploded on itself and I have not been able to motivate myself in any sort of remotely creative fashion because I am too busy being all "I have a plan!!" then "This plan sucks and is totally unrealistic" and back to the drawing board to "I have a new plan!!" to "this plan is also flawed" and it is so dull and tiresome that I want to poke my own eyes out with sticks never mind subject other people to my self-imposed insanity.

I blame post January blahs and pre April allergies. And possibly the Tim Hortons commercial about hockey that makes me cry everytime I see it.

One Year In

2006-02-05T11:56:00.000-08:00

56 in 638 (I think. Bad Math. Bad.)

1.Finish my Europe Scrapbook

2.Make a CD for Kristy

3.Have coffee with Terry

4.Rewrite my resume - completed April 16, 2005

5.Go to the strippers with B & Neil - completed April 16, 2005

6.Continue working out minimum of 2x per week (preferably 4x) for all 1001 days

7.Read a minimum of 50 new books by January 23, 2006:
50 down; 0 to go - completed January 23, 2006

8.Buy a condo

9.Save for & go to Greece

10.Make the skirt that Chantal and I bought fabric for in October 2003

11.Pay off my edited to line of credit

12.Take a class – cooking, dance, pottery, photography, whatever: completed October 2005 - I've been taking step classes at the local gym

13.Visit Dave (I’ve only been promising for 2 years)- completed October 19-23,2005

14.Take a road trip - completed July 30 - August 3, 2005

15.Replace the battery in my watch/buy a new watch - completed March 19, 2004

16.Date someone for more than 2 seconds

17.Get a (at least one) professional massage - accomplished April 20, 2005

18.Learn a little HTML – I would be happy if I could add links in/to my entries - completed October 21, 2005

19.Do a perfect squat: completed July 21, 2005

20.Read something by Jane Austen

21.Drink an entire beer without once making my patented “This is terrible!” face - completed June 24, 2005

22.Renew my passport - completed July 27, 2005

23.Watch Season 7 of Buffy with B - completed March 25, 2005

24.Make cabbage rolls

25.Make perogies

26.Donate to 4 charities: 5 down 0 to go - completed September 16, 2005

27.Read 10 non-fiction books
4 down; 6 to go

28.Return the 4 books that have been sitting on my shelf waiting to go home for ages - completed May 11, 2005

29.Go to Vegas with the Trio of Trouble

30.Find a new job

31.Make a pie

32.Go to the zoo - completed July 30, 2005

33.Go to a museum

34.Go houseboating (even if I have to be in charge of organizing it)

35.Buy more pillows for my bed - completed February 12,2005

36.Buy a book of blender drinks - completed February 9, 2005

37.Buy (and use) shoe racks - completed February 19, 2005

38.Go skinny dipping

39.Buy fun new sheets

40.Learn how to drive stick

41.Try snowboarding

42.Eat at 6 new restaurants
a)Bulgogi House: February 10,2005
b)Dynasty (Dim Sum): February 20, 2005
c)Culina: May 28, 2005
d)Mongolie Grill: June 1, 2005
e)Langano Skies: November 2, 2005

43.Visit Donna & Foreman (not Wisconsin)

44.Visit Warmer than Here

45.Buy a plant - completed February 19, 2005

46.And keep it alive for at least 6 months: completed August 19, 2005

47.Have brunch with Stan: completed November 2, 2005 (technically it was supper but I'm counting it cause the goal was to spend time with Stan)

48.Clean out/organize drawers & closet - completed August 7, 2005

49.Play in the park: completed August 20, 2005

50.Fly a kite

51.Have a picnic lunch

52.Get drunk with Emily and swing on the swings in Gyro Park

54.Go on ebay

55.And actually buy something

56.Watch a porno

57.Make garlic toast that doesn’t make B gag - completed March 18, 2004

58.Go on an overnight hike

59.Take my used books to a used book store

60.Get a pedicure: completed May 18, 2005

61.Take a strippercise class with B - completed June 30, 2005

62.Go horseback riding

63.Go bowling

64.Watch the second half of Sex in the City Season 6 with Kristy - completed April 26, 2005

65.Go to the beach 3 times
a)Lake Invermere - July 31, 2005
b)Wasa Lake - August 2, 2005
c)Michelon Lake - August 21, 2005

66.Go camping: completed July 1-3, 2005

67.Get a library card - completed February 21, 2002

68.Buy something from a sex toy party/store

69.Make seafood crepes

70.Have a chocolate fondue night: completed January 6, 2006

71.Spend a full day at the spa

72.Get a new makeup bag - completed February 19, 2005

73.Buy a new TV

74.Drink a Hurricane

75.Go for a dress up supper

76.Do an entire crossword without getting help once: completed August 22, 2005

77.Watch Gone With the Wind

78.Clean out my car - completed August 4, 2005

79.Buy Season 1 of CSI - completed June 10, 2005

80.Replace the mats in my car with plastic ones

81.Throw a dinner party: completed December 18, 2005 (I am deciding that Pseudo Christmas counts)

82.Buy flowers for someone, just because - completed April 7, 2005

83.Buy myself flowers - completed April 2, 2005

84.Fix my frog prince (Greg did this for me)- completed November 11, 2005

85.Send 10 pieces of fun mail: 10 down;0 to go - I am considering this done cause I mailed out way more than 10 Christmas cards with personal notes and all. completed December 9, 2005

86.Go skiing

87.Buy a dress coat - completed November 11, 2005

88.Spend an afternoon shopping on Whyte Ave - completed April 2, 2005

89.Have a date with Beth & Melly & Terry

90.Eat Gelato

91.Go to a wine tasting

92.Go see a psychic/palm reader

93.Volunteer somewhere

94.Take a roll of black & white photos

95.Watch the sun rise

96.Take pictures of the city skyline from my current balcony: completed May 29, 2005

97.Go stargazing

98.Go skating

99.Go canoeing

100.Have a waterfight

101. Have hair long enough to put in braids again

* italics denote works in progress

THINKING ...

2006-02-02T10:04:00.000-08:00

1. that I am an IDIOT for doing major leg workouts 2 days in a row (I blame BW)

2. that everytime I visit the Television without Pity website I am reminded how pissed I am that no channel that I get picked up Veronica Mars and although CTV will likely pick it up again for the summer season it was such a schmoz last summer that I am likely to be annoyed until I can get the entire season on DVD next Christmas.

3. that I need to stop getting 10 steps ahead of the game re: my meeting tomorrow (stop it)

4. that our new mail guy at work is really super cute. (no seriously. Super Cute) But I am not entirely sold on our "new" courier. I miss Kevin. He brought me a cinnamon bun.

5. I'm still thinking about the mail guy ...

Skepticism

2006-02-01T14:56:00.000-08:00

Apparently I am getting a wee bit skeptical.

I am so used to having people call "emergency" when it is totally nothing of the sort.
"I spilled a glass of water."
"I need your fax number."
"I need to know what time you are open until."
"I moved 4 months ago."
"I stubbed my toe."
"I need to know your companies protocol if I were to die overseas AND suffer a Cat loss the same day." (And we thought I overthink things.)
These are not emergencies.

So of course today when a lady called up and claimed to have an emergency I rolled my eyes so hard they nearly popped out of my head. Only this time there actually was an emergency. Le sigh.

I am an asshole sometimes. Let's keep it our little secret.

Dreams

2006-01-31T12:09:00.000-08:00

I often have very vivid dreams which are remembered in varying amounts of detail the next day. Sometimes they are so disturbing that I have to sleep the rest of the night with my door open or my light on - because I am 5 and rendered afraid of the dark. Sometimes they seem so real that they are disturbing on an entirely separate level, like the dreams I have where I am sleeping beside some gorgeous hunk of a man and then when I wake up I look around and wonder where my boyfriend/husband is and usually say to myself "oh he must have had to work early today" and it takes me until I get into the shower to realize that it was just a dream and I have no boyfriend/husband and there is still 74.5 years to go on The Plan so shut up stupid dream. I have one recurring dream usually when I am super stressed and it involves me being in school but never actually going to class or doing my assignments and fully intending to drop my class and suddenly I realize that it is the day of my final exam or the day my final project is due and I am still enrolled in the class and man am I screwed. The funny thing is that I never had this dream while I was actually in school.

I just remembered the dream/half awake panic I had last night wherein I was desperately trying to remember the name of a former co-worker and I kept listing of names of people I currently work with and then reminding myself that I wanted the name of someone who used to work with me and then being convinced that her name started with the letter D and listing all the D names I could think of until I fell asleep again, lather rinse repeat. And I just remembered her name which is what brought back the dream to me and it totally does not start with the letter D at all. And I kind of wish that I could have had a good deep sleep instead of worrying about not remembering her name.

Scrapbooking

2006-01-30T11:52:00.000-08:00

6 of us spent the weekend at a fabulous B&B on a scrapbooking retreat. It was really wonderful to get away to the quiet of the country and to be spoiled rotton all weekend by our hosts. Seriously. Everytime we turned around there was some new freshly baked treat awaiting. So it is probably a good thing that I am determined that my gym schedule will get back on track after the total screweduppedness of December & January.

But it was also nice to have some time totally dedicated to working on my Europe scrapbook which is quickly becoming the Longest Project Ever. Karen got to do a happy dance after finishing her wedding guest book; I am decreeing a happy evening of dancing when I finally finish my project. I am at 54 pages and counting and have been working on them for at least a year and a half. Most everyone else has finished at least 1 book in that time. They all make the creative process look so effortless and beautiful while I feel like I have to sweat blood and tears for the same effect. I am really happy with how my book is coming along but man. It is HARD. And I feel really needy because I crave positive commentary and ego stroking like some people crave crack cocaine. I think in some ways it is because I have always been told that I am unartistic to the Nth degree - I can't draw, paint, sculpt, or do other traditionally artistic things. I am all thumbs with the occasional faceplant into dismal atrocities. And it is only starting to occur to me that not being an artist in the traditional sense doesn't mean that I am not creative. And of course now that I have under-utilized the creative side of my brain it is taking more than a gentle kick start to get into gear. Working with pictures is one of the ways I have chosen to try and relate more with my creativity and although it is frustrating a lot of the time because I just don't feel like it comes naturally it is also something I hope to explore more of and maybe find other creative outlets. Just add it to my ever growing list of goals and aspirations.

New Beginnings

2006-01-27T11:31:00.000-08:00

So I've kind of decided to move my random scribblings to this location. In some ways it feels like jumping on the bandwagon but lately I've found that I occasionally have only a few quick things to say and my current format just isn't conducive to the shorter posts. It's great when I want to blather on for a while but that's about it. And in the end that is deterring me from writing on a more regular basis. I'm not going to swear that the move will definitely change things but I am hoping that it will. In the end, this space is more for me than for anyone else, a place to jot down the chaos that swims in my brain and hopefully gain some perspective from the writing excercise.

More of the Same

2006-01-25T11:08:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it is leftover lethargy from being sick or the January blahs or what but I feel like if I were to be compared to a flavor I would be Plain. And since the only thing I can think of that comes in a Plain flavor is yoghurt I would be Plain Yoghurt. I tried to explain this analogy to BW last night using Vanilla but I actually kind of like Vanilla. And regardless he only laughed at me and told me I couldn't be plain anything because I was way too crazy. I think that was supposed to make me feel better.

But it is true. I am feeling utterly Plain Jane. I am ballet (without the beauty and grace) instead of hip-hop; dry history instead of action-adventure; planning and predictable instead of spur of the moment; Prim & Proper. And that's fine I guess. Only right now I am rebelling against myself. I don't want to be who I am but I don't know how to be anybody else. And also when I do have my moments of slight risktaking I a)find rejection right quick and b)feel guilty for days and weeks and sometimes even months. It's who I am and who I have always been but lately in ways I can't quantify I am not happy with myself. I want to be different. I want to be noticed in a crowd. I want to be someone people call. I want to be somone people respond to. I want to be someone people remember. I want to have exciting news. I want to do interesting things (and not spend days sick in compensation). Instead, I have my little routine that I rarely deviate from and little things to look forward to that don't really change the grand scheme of anything ever.

Maybe I'm NOT Sorry

2006-01-20T13:06:00.000-08:00

I've been sick for what feels like a million years (actual time span: one week of moderate cold; 3 days of hell on earth bronchial infection) and have been ignoring ... well pretty much everything other than couch, bed, kleenex box. I hate being sick. I hate the Hot Mouth thing I inevitably get going that makes me feel thirsty all the time so I am drinking gallons of water and spending so much time in the bathroom that I might as well make a little nest and move in permanently and yet no amount of liquid actually quenches my thirst or cools off the hellfire that is burning at the back of my throat. I hate the raw red nose look I get going because I have gone through a big box of kleenex in less than 24 hours. I hate the achy bones and muscles and sensitive nerve endings that make the slightest touch feel like you are being dipped in molten lava. I hate the inability to find a perfect temperature - I am either so hot there is literally smoke wafting off my body or I am so cold there are icicles.

I usually hate going to the doctor so it is a sign that I am feeling pretty icky when I voluntarily call to make an appointment (I think I still blame doctors for telling me that penicillin tasted like bananas - which I loved - and then the medicine tasted like ass and because I associated it with bananas, bananas began to taste like the medicine. For years I couldn't eat bananas without an instant gag reflex (I still don't do well with banana flavored liquids) and still when I am sick I get that medicine taste in my mouth and I want to die). Right ... Doctors. But the good thing about my new doctor is that when I called Tuesday morning I got an appointment for Tuesday afternoon (!!) and didn't have to wait in an overcrowded medicentre for several hours. So far I am pretty impressed with my new doctor. Very short wait times, able to be seen when you need to be seen and not 3 weeks later, pays attention when I am talking, answers my questions. All good things.

I'm not usually one to acknowledge that I deserve to be treated better but a lot of the time I do. I'm so good at making excuses: oh they're busy or they have patients who are sicker than I am or they're having a bad day or I'm being too sensitive or whatever. And I don't think that my excuse-making is going to stop overnight - I've had 25 years to develop a fairly complicated system of pretending everyone else is more important than I am 99% of the time - but I think it is something I need to look at and address. Because I don't ALWAYS have unreasonable expectations. And I'm not ALWAYS being overly sensitive. Sometimes the problem actually is exterior to myself and in those situations I need to be able to a)recognize them as such and b)say "I'm sorry. It's not me, it's YOU. We're done here." (Maybe even without the I'm sorry part. A girl can dream.)

Pete the Perch

2006-01-12T12:06:00.000-08:00

I keep thinking about an episode of Gilmore Girls that B and I watched recently where Lorelai goes fishing and then keeps the fish she catches in her bathtub. It made me think about spending summer weekends out at the lake with Niki and her family and the one time we went fishing. Which, like most things Niki and I did together, ended up being quite the comedy routine. We did catch a fish that was too small and had to be thrown back but not before we grew thouroughly attached and named the poor thing - Pete the Perch. I think.

Man we had a lot of fun. Making up card games like Sluff the Maid, playing real card games, eating yummy Baba baking, tube rides and boat rides and seadooing, being allowed a drink or two even though we were under age, and always always lots of laughter. And of course the incessant dicussions about the 10 boys I had a crush on that weekend, none of whom I had ever really talked to. But we had theories and schemes and jokes and more theories and we talked until we were blue in the face.

So many things have changed since those hazy lakeside days. But one constant is the amount that Niki and I can talk when we are together. Not always about boys these days but they still feature when it is warranted. There aren't many people I can talk to the way I talk to Niki - some people come close but they still don't get me to divulge quite everything on every topic. I can't think of anyone else that I could spend an afternoon with and then 2 hours on the phone in the evening and still have more to say. Of course these days the phone marathons are warranted because we don't talk every day ... It's just sort of hit me how much I miss her. We have secret plans about how we can arrange to live in the same city again. God willing they'll actually be feasible one day.

Randomness

2006-01-10T13:58:00.000-08:00

The good news is that while I haven't been writing anything here the last few days, I have been writing. Sometimes you want to share your life with the internet, other days, not so much. Actually I haven't felt much like sharing anything with anybody lately and when I have opened my mouth I've been talked over and just plain not heard and I figure I didn't have anything important or life altering to say anyways so ... I'm finding lately that I am much more at home in smaller groups where I can play an integral role in the conversation. Which doesn't mean I dislike all large group activities because sometimes I do just like to listen. It's all about finding a balance I guess. Historically I have had a lot of problems with balance (literally and figuratively) ... I tend to hit one extreme or the other. So I am trying to fine tune but there is not always a lot of precision. It's not like physical balance where I can just think "tight abs, tight abs" and my left tilt corrects itself just so. Ah well. If life was easy I would probably get bored.

I've actually been talking to my brother a lot. We went through a really rough patch in the fall cause I was a little bit snappish what with the broken heart and all and he was a little bit snappish what with the lack of gainful employment ... but now he has a job and my heart is a lot less shattered and things are much better. Which is good. My brother is one of the people that I know believes in me no matter what, unconditionally. And that's kind of an amazing thing. (For what it is worth, I believe in him too.)

I've been hanging out a lot with B too, trying to get lots of time in before she goes away. Although she had an interview at the Stollery yesterday so if she gets that job she might delay the travelling for another year. I'm not sure which I hope for more - both would be amazing opportunities for her. The first would mean a week's holiday for me; the latter would mean my best friend stays a few blocks away for a little longer - both would be good things.

Things feel really random right now ... I have a few tentative plans for the coming months (Greece!!) but nothing set in stone until July 7,2007. I know that in the next few days things are going to solidify but at this second my future feels foggy and uncertain. I have a lot of decisions coming but for the next few days I can put them off and pretend that I am not about to stray from my beaten path. Maybe it is too late and I have already strayed. That sounds like I am about to do something risky and exciting and I'm really really not. But I am making choices that will upset the delicate balance of my life as is. I suppose any decision changes things. Perhaps I just feel very conscious of change today. How eloquent of me :p

Blast from the Past

2006-01-04T12:57:00.000-08:00

I got a phone call today from my very first boyfriend. I think it has been almost 10 years since I last talked to him. And I just ... I don't know what to say. I picked up the phone as usual and said "Thank you for calling My Workplace, Gwyn speaking" and he said "Gwyn?" and I said yes and he said "that's a name I haven't heard in a long time. Do you know who this is?" and I honestly thought it was one of my dad's friends or someone from one of the other offices just being silly so I made some smart comment and he said "from the way you just said that I know you're who I think you are. This is ..." Our jobs are sort of tenuously connected and he came across my name in some of his paperwork and thought he would check it out. I didn't have a lot of time to chat being at work and all but I gave him my cell # and maybe we will go for coffee or something and catch up.

It's weird but also a little bit wonderful to hear from him. I mean, it's been 10 years and I don't think about him all the time but he was someone I cared a lot about at one point and every once in a while I wonder how he is and what he is doing and wish that I knew how to get in touch with him. And now here we are. He's married and has 2 kids and it's crazy and strange to contemplate. Maybe he will never call again, or maybe after all this time we'll have nothing in common but today was still nice.

It fit in kind of nicely with some of the stuff that has been rolling around in my brain these last few days about friends and friendships in general and how sometimes you drift away from people you always thought would be right beside you. And I think a lot of the time the drift is unintentional ... maybe it's an inherent laziness of mostly spending time with the people who are in closest proximity, maybe it's the natural progression of things. I'm thinking about the other people I was close with 10 years ago and how I thought we would always be friends or at least keep in generic touch, a card at Christmas or whatever ... and the only people really around from those days are B & Niki (although Chnaners and Jo entered the picture right around then) and I wonder what makes my friendships with those 2 girls different, why we lasted and continue to last, especially given that there have been big blowouts that could have ended things. How have we held on? Maybe I shouldn't think about it too much other than to be thankful every day that we have. But I can't help wondering how it all works. I think of the people I am close with today and how I can't imagine not being close with them and a part of me wonders who will still play a role in my life 5 years from now, 10 years from now. Wonders if I can do anything to make sure we are still in touch, to make sure they know how much they touch every moment of my life and how much that matters and in some ways will always matter.

That's what todays phone call made me realize. That yes, people drift apart, but the effect of those important people is never truly forgotten. I still remember that first kiss, I still remember the look he had that was reserved just for me, I still remember all the laughter and good times - maybe not the specifics of it all but the general feeling of comfort and good will. I remember the tears and the rough patches and the learning experiences. And while that time 10 years ago, and those people from back then, are no longer the focal point of my map, they're still an indelible part of who I was and who I have become.

It's hard to stay in touch with everyone that I want to. Even with e-mail at my finger tips, I often talk myself out of writing to the people I care about because nothing super interesting is going on or I can't think of anything witty to say. But I am going to work on it. I am going to try and keep in better touch, even if it just ends up being a quick e-mail or a card to say "I'm thinking about you" or "you're important to me". Because I don't want to wake up 5 years from now or 10 years from now and wonder where my friends went and wonder if I could have tried a little bit harder to keep them in my life.